#duplix

"... Not a clue. I was no one before this."

"..."

He's just staring and not responding. Luckily, you're noticed by a different pirate.

"Of course I didn't...

"Why the hell....... are you talking as if you know what happened...?

I mean-- nothing... nothing happened, I'm not.........

...

Fuck... I hate this. I feel like I'm gonna throw up...."

He shifts and fidgets uncomfortably, debating with himself for a long while about how he's going to respond. A whole minute and a half of awkward silence passes, before he sighs in defeat.

"........ Everyone on this ship is running from something. Mostly the law, in some form or another..... And at first, so was I. Something bad happened and... I was in a lot of trouble for it..... So I ran.

Time passed, and I knew eventually they'd stop caring, but... I still cared........ I had... I had a way different life before this..... Fuck... I had such a different life....

Yeah, I'm scared of getting in trouble, but I'm.... I'm on a fucking pirate ship with a fleet deserter and several mutants and other rejects....... I'd get in trouble even if no one remembered what I did....

I just-- The thing I'm scared of is thinking about it. I don't want to think about the way everything got screwed...... Like you don't get it, I fucked EVERYTHING up...... My life was ideal. But now I'm here, and I don't want to be here, but where the fuck else am I gonna go? What if everything ends up even worse?

I'm fucking.... paralyzed by the idea that at any moment, my life could get ten times worse, even though I don't even know what went wrong the first time. It's terrifying. It's terrifying and I hate thinking about it, I hate talking about it, and I hate all of you for constantly pressuring me to address it.

"He knows..... Fin and Lyydia know too, since I hate them a little less than everyone else.... But nothing they can say or do will help.

"................ Fine. If it'll get you guys to finally leave me the fuck alone about this.

I was a famous chef. I had my own restaurant and everything... It was a huge deal......

I was hired to take care of this huge event at my restaurant.... A lot of respected highbloods in one room, you know? And I oversaw everything.... every minute detail....

Midway through the dinner service, I came out to check on everyone and....

.... Fuck....

I don't know what happened.... I really don't know what the fuck happened.......

They were just--

They were.... dying in front of my eyes, and I just stood there, unsure what the hell to do........

And there were guards and... everyone was shouting.... Poison, they said..."

"I had always been... good at managing my stress. I'd never shut down while on a job, even when stress made me want to cry... But I shut down. And to everyone else, I was just standing there watching.

I know how I must have looked.... I know what happens when I shut down like that..... I must have seemed so cold to everything that was happening, because I remember them screaming at me why I did it....

It was only when someone tried to grab me that I finally came back to myself and I just... I ran. I ran as fast as I fucking could. And I know that made me look even more guilty. But regardless of what really happened there, I knew that my whole life would go down the drain after that. You just-- you don't come back from an incident like that....

At least a dozen violets and fuchsias died in my restaurant, under my watch... Even though it wasn't me, the responsibility would have fallen on my shoulders........

Everything I had would have been destroyed regardless of whether I stayed or left....

...

That's basically it.

"People make me uncomfortable....... They expect too much of me...

I uh, I used to be really good at masking.... And I could handle my stress and my shutdowns pretty well....

But after everything happened, I was just so shaken that I felt like I lost control of everything..... So now it's just.... too much to interact with people normally...

The people on the ship generally know not to bother me too much..... They know I get stressed.... And that I can get sick or shut down or something.... So they don't bother me as much as they definitely could be... It's better, but I still don't love it...

Lyydia's the best about it.... She doesn't talk to me if I don't seem like I'm in the mood for it.... But she'll still come and sit in the kitchen.... I know she just wants to include me or something, but it just feels like pressure.

Everyone.... everyone expects that one day, I'll just be better or something...... But what if that doesn't happen? What if this is it? She can't be getting much out of it, can she? Just.... fucking sitting there.