#dump?

i only break at the end of the funeral. when we've made it to the grave site. the pastor has presided over the coffin and everyone is ready to go and pay their respects by taking a flower or leaving a note. i break because I'm scared to leave. I'm scared to turn my back on the person and finally accept that they're going into the ground, never to be brought back up again. it breaks me because what if that person will be lonely. what if they don't want to be buried. what if i miss them too much once they're underground. its almost as if them being above ground, in a coffin, calms me because I know they're still there. i know that that person is still right next to me but once i leave. once the grave diggers start burying the coffin, there's no going back. i call it forced acceptance. i may not be ready to accept that the person is dead but the people getting paid to bury the box are. as they swarm the funeral party members, waiting for the immediate family to announce where the lunch service will be. i just want to hold on to the last moment where my loved one is right next to me.