A subtle lowering of the brow...
Oh, I’m terribly sorry. It shouldn’t really have taken us this long to correctly assess the tastes and wants of our audience. If our tumblr feed is anything to go by, we were, perhaps, foolish to think that any lengthy piece of text would gain appreciation in such disposable-plastic-cup environs. We have clearly failed in our duty to correctly address the ether. As we prattle ceaselessly about the nature of society, scarves, and cranberry silos, coughing out pictures of long-dead Edwardian coal merchants as we go, others are providing service of a quality we can scarcely match.
We have no pictures of female breasts at unfamiliar angles, single panels of obscure comic strips, pictures of beasts of burden engaged in unexpectedly human acts, decidedly unimpressive photography and art, or, in general, the sort of things adorning your walls as a university undergraduate when your personality is still a bleak collage of popular culture’s ironic detritus.
And for this we can only apologise. Our relentless attempts to educate and improve you were patronising and, ultimately, for nought. This will change immediately.
Instead, this article will teach you how to do something that is, from what we are able to discern, overwhelmingly close to your hearts. We are going to teach you how to create your very own ‘meme’. Of course, in order for something to become a ‘meme’ it has to become unaccountably and incalculably popular by spreading and growing in the collective consciousness like a malignant tumour made of earwigs. And cancer cells, obviously. This we cannot do. BUT, through painstaking analysis of existing memes we can educate you in how to create a meme that will be an instant classic (if such a thing there is) - known, adored, and reviled throughout the world in equal measure.
Step one: Use this background
The vividity and combination of colours is enough to dull the operation of the motor-neurones and causes the synapses to widen almost imperceptibly. This, in turn, impairs brain function by a fraction of a second. The confluence of points in the centre creates a vortex towards which the sluggish pink mass of the brain gravitates. This is vital to preparing the receptive mind for your seedling; the brain carcinoma that will, all being well, germinate and take root.
Step two: Add an animal of your choice
The animal is designed to be disarmingly cute or seem exceptionally wise (for an animal). From what we have observed, the more phonetically and aurally peculiar the name of the animal, the better. It is for this reason that, as the subject of my exemplar meme, I have selected the weasel.
Step three: Create an identity for your animal
Adjective up that bad-boy! Just select any adjective to give your animal its own personality and niche amongst the veritable zoo of internet animal celebrities. Mine will be belligerent because hostility makes for a most hilarious meme.
Step four: What does your chosen animal think?
Give your chosen animal an opinion, or a quote, or something. It doesn’t really matter what it is, because your selection of animal and adjective will be so ingenious that the thing it says or does will be scooped out, hollowed like the innards of a pumpkin, and other people will fill that bit in with something they think is funny, ad infinitum. The creation moves beyond the creator's control.
Step five: Show off your creations!
A quick traverse of the internet will soon show you where your meme will get the most exposure. One notable example is 4chan, a hive of staggeringly misused intellect, spurious facts, and child pornography. Perhaps make a few, just to be on the safe side – but make sure that they are all utterly unique, whilst still conforming to the strict configurations listed here.
Congratulations! You have now achieved something that only a reasonably expansive group of people have managed to do before you. Your meme will buzz around in the catacombs of the internet from now until the end of… the internet – taking its right place alongside such classic memes as:
We do hope this is more to your liking.