#duefaith

         her mulish tone makes it seem as if she had been strapped to this chair with no other option but to wait for the brave colonel to wake up, when in reality more than one nurse, and even doctor lam herself, had reminded her that the room she was assigned was within the accepted radius;   more than once, she started the journey, only to turn back and plop herself down on that chair again, long legs thrown over the armrest.    “    and after all my hard work healing you...   tsk.   ”

A head tilted to the side, looking down at the stranger she couldn’t help but think how…different he looked. She’d never seen someone with those colour eyes before. Yet. If you had to ask her, she wouldn’t have really been able to say anything other than he didn’t look like he was a subject of the Junwu Empire.

That was a bad thing. A very bad thing. Still it wasn’t what she was most concerned about, his injuries were serious, she had done everything that she could, cleaned the wounds, managed to stitch skin back together, but there was no accelerated healing here, she was the most advanced doctor in town. If she couldn’t do it, it couldn’t be done, not right here and now.

“You ok there?” A smile, soft, kind, as gentle as she could be before she knelt down, the kid gloves were on…though that was mostly her approach anyway. Feng Wu had an excellent bedside manner, even if she wanted to strangle some patients. “It’s ok, you’re safe.” Well. Half lie. Just about anything that was coming through that door she could fight. She would if she needed to. After all, her patient was her responsibility. “You were found injured, a…how should I put it…” at least in a way he would understand…hopefully. “Someone with a good name brought you here.”

A good name afterall meant more than a good face.

@duefaith​   said   “ isn’t  it  funny  how  day  by  day  nothing  changes,  but  when  you  look  back  everything  is  different ”

 atlantis wasn't the plan  -   a missed opportunity swept out of reach during a time her only option was to stay    (  more anchor than anything,   not there to drown him but to stop him from slipping too adrift when grief screamed and gripped him with a strength she could never match   ).   he would have been fine,    with time,    without her.    that much she knows.   yet leaving him had still been so much more than she could manage:    for first time in life,   incapable of leaving even when every sign seemed to tell her that she should.   he stayed throughout her own recovery:    through the time it took her to recognize own skin as something hers, as something that would not be taken away again.

 they have both had their bodies turned against them,   yet the pain that he is left with seems all too unfairly harsh compared to the one she must keep.

 ❝   you do know this is sounding more and more like a breakup talk, right?   ❞    low teasing barely hides the way head tilts,     gaze as curious as it is simply confused by sudden turn of conversation.    there has been too much    –     too much forced into recent years,    loss and pain and nightmares tangling into one blur of barely spread out trauma.    could brunette truly blame him if it has become too much to see through?    a reminder of hard times over a reminder of anything good she once represented to him    –     if by missing her time to go,     she has ensured they must have a different kind of end.

 they’re hardly the people they were when they first met anymore.    growth and hardened skin are indistinguishable and haunting all the same.    ❝   truly,    cam,    seems a little bit harsh breaking up with me with so little warning.   ❞    her humour clings to what concerns seep beneath calm surface,    playful in their attempts to crack confusing ice between what he says and whatever they are building up to    (   how unlike him,    brain mutters,    that he should try so hard to build to anything but some kind of bad news   ).

 echoes of his recovery will be present for a long time still,    just as remaining pain in damaged spine or quiet nighttime panic attacks will mark them both for likely life.    the truth all rests in the open now    &&    maybe she was naïve to think it’d truly not impact them after his initial forgiveness.

“You did?” He pauses, considering. This has been his reality for so long, he kind of forgot what it would be like for a normal person to experience for the first time. “I guess it’d probably make more sense if it were a lie.”

That person he’d been when he’d first learned about the Stargate project might not exactly agree. When Catherine found him was when his life had finally started making sense... at least for a little while.

And sometime that feeling comes back, briefly. Like when they’re on some planet, the way they are now, taking a break from helping people fix their irrigation systems after a sudden change in their climate. 

Dr. Aaron Hotchner had already talked to General Landry, which had been… interesting. He expects some push back. This isn’t just military he’s dealing with, it’s a top secret base that had become insular over several years. Of course it had; these people only have each other. He’s worked with people who had confidential jobs before, and all the strain that puts on families and friendships, but this is something far more isolating than the typical kind of secret life. So, of course, Hotchner being an outsider, a civilian, and someone who claimed to understand what was going on in their heads? No, he does not expect anyone to welcome him with open arms.

General Landry had been somewhat different than he expected, though. Good at seeming welcoming while he gave very clear indications of what he expected and where the boundaries were. However, when Hotchner asked to speak to SG-1 first, Landry suggested he talk to the leader before he talked to the rest. 

“If you win him over, you might reel in the rest of them a little easier,” Landry had said, clapping him on the arm.

Hotchner doubts it’ll be that easy. He’s read their files, he knows he’s got a long road ahead of him. But he also knows they have been at this for a long time, that they’ve had the worst of it, they need him the most. He might not need them to like him, but if there’s a chance, he’ll take Landry’s suggestion.

“Thank you for coming to see me,” he says. They’re in what will be his office, but is mostly boxes now, stacked around a desk with chairs on either side which were here when he arrived. He’ll have to rearrange that, but for now… Well, he doesn’t want it to look too much like a psychiatrist’s office just yet. 

❀     ||      my defences are down,   I’ve lost all resistance       ||       ©.   happy  (  almost  )  1 year cam&&maeve anniversary  @duefaith​  !​

@duefaith​  said  “Don’t you disappear on me.”  !

 scientist truly hates it,   the sharp lights of medical,  the familiar edges of room where one too many friends have slipped out of reach.   she can barely stand to spend time here when it is her hurt   (  shot,  injured,  freshly returned from various circles of hell  ),    but there is a sharpness that comes with sitting too long in cold space when all she can do is wait.  wait and,  usually,  do her best to never be witnessed in tired lingerings.

 a note,  flowers,  are usually all she allows to be the evidence of her flutterings.  yet her efforts to avoid being seen have faltered  &&  burnt to ashes:  to the point genius cannot quite say to even herself that she did indeed try.

 ❝   oh,  I'm pretty settled.  you're not lucky enough to both survive all that and to get rid of me so easily.   ❞    hand gently reaches over,  rubbing thumb over knuckles in simple attempt to avoid causing any further pain to already battered form.   ❝   no.  I rather think you're due the bad luck of being stuck with me.  even if just as a form of punishment from the universe for your absolute lack of self preservation.   ❞ 

 not that even what crumbling mess remains of her defences can stop how much softer voice comes when fingers so lightly shift in his.   ❝   you worried  -  really worried me,  you know.   ❞    and,  if for once,  she is happy to not hide own concerns in a greater ‘we’...  then perhaps maeve can blame the late hour and lack of sleep.

@duefaith​  said  “Are you nervous?”  !

 it's an easy yes,   one that echoes and screams through every millimetre of slender form no matter how she doesn't allow it to slip from peach lips.  is she nervous?   yes.   so nervous that bones are tense enough to snap  /  back straight and hands flatly placed on own knees.  (  he has never made her nervous before,  and he is yet to,  but circumstances seem to suffocate her even as breathless little laugh escapes.  )  

                 this is cam,  after all,  what could she be nervous about?  she has known him,  loved him,  for well over decade.  their paths have tangled and entwined to point scientist cannot quite begin to imagine how she'd even begin to separate them.   if there was any way to do it  -  any way for vengeful universe to cause them more hurt  -  him forgetting her is certainly an approach.

 ❝   I promise I was important to you.   ❞    small laugh comes,  a tense    &&   and awkward little sound that barely makes a noise.  an apology of sorts:  he didn't ask for this anymore than she did,  but what a hell it must be to face world whose details have been erased.  how is she meant to explain it?  she who has never believed herself to be permanent,  to truly matter,  to anyone?  she whose anxiety has thumb absentmindedly twisting wedding ring that rests around her finger.

maeve mattered to him and now there is no ghost of recognition to be found in blue eyes that had long since become safer than any home.   ❝   I'm sorry,  I don't want to say too much and overwhelm you.  I also don't want to say too little and have 'why didn't you tell me' moments later on.   ❞

how can there be such a thing as a healthy middle ground on something akin to re-explaining a life lived together?   he loved her once,  such a thing is unlikely to happen again.