#drunkluvconfessions

So look ... I don't have a therapist yet and I have just been thugging it out. I have been a little more quiet than usual, but my mind is going a mile a minute. I have to dump this mess on you guys and hopefully you all won't run away from me.

I believe that I am going thru a depressive cycle right now. I only noticed that it may be an issue when I saw my clothes from my AUGUST trip to the Dominican Republic were not put away. They are clean and folded but just sitting in the chair in my corner. So weekend goal is to put up my shit.

I am starting to think that the men I like do NOT like me. Now don't get me wrong, these men LOVE me but they don't necessarily like me. I always discuss how LIKE and LOVE are two different things. And for me one is more important than the other.

Too piggyback that notion, love is an action word in my world.

My Dad came to visit and I learned so much about him. my family and why I have been trying to date men like him for all my life. The damn psychology people really know their shit.

My feelings aren't hurt, I am just disappointed. I am tired of saying that about my experiences.

When you really begin to work on yourself, there are just some things that are no longer worthy of your time. Also it makes your phone bone dry. People sometimes do not like the new you.

I had to admit to myself that I want a thoughtful and caring person as a partner. I am a hopeless romantic and I need a bit of romance in my relationships. I have been functioning like a fuck boy for so long that it is my default. But that never ever gets me the things that I want.

Last thing that I want to say is that, I want what I want. I have always felt like I never get what I want. But I am not going to stop until I get what I want.

I have actually started to have fun writing these. This is currently preventing me from doing a micro-podcast similar to Drunk Luv Confessions. I don't get sick of hearing my voice this way.

Dating Apps are like Shein to me. When I get on the Shein website, I like plenty outfits, but only a few actually make it to the shopping cart. And even if they make it to the cart, I may change my mind and remove it. Most of the time when the purchase happens, it is because it was on sale, very low in price and can be delivered in a timely fashion. But once I have it, most times it hangs in the closet or is not worn very often. Y'all can interpret that as you will.

I wonder how hard it is for people who wake up in the morning and spread nothing but negativity on Beyonce's internet all day. I pray happiness for those people. Because that has to be the most miserable existence.

I have a quick question for FaceTime/Video call people. Why? In my past life, FT calls had to be scheduled. I am now a "answer the FT call when it comes through". I am sure that has more to do with the person on the other end of the call. And now I am also a "you are gonna get this bonnet and crusty eye face" FT person. Stop laughing while you read this. This is your fault.

Leaving for vacation is so stressful. Once I am there, it is all good. But the packing and trying to figure out what I might POSSIBLY wear. Crazy anxiety. Thus I always overpack. Don't judge me, I want to be a little cute on vacation.

I feel like I need to start doing these things so that I can get shit out of my head and somewhere else. While some people spiral with certain information, I get hyper-focused and create scenarios in my mind. Then I don't share my thoughts and I have to talk myself off of the ledge. So I need to share with strangers and let things go.

I have been having issues with my virtual church experience after discovering disparaging information about someone in the church family. It is public record and I understand that people can change, but child abuse never sits right with me at any point.

I don't catastrophize, but I do live in worst case scenario land. This is why I prefer clear cut communication so I know how to respond appropriately and move accordingly.

Being a romantic in a world where romantic gestures are seen as lame or corny is hard work. But I want all the romance. So if you read this and you like me, ROMANCE ME HEAUX!!!

Positive Coochie Reviews don't make me feel superior to any other woman. Good coochie doesn't keep people in your life. At least not for the right reasons and not for long.

I join dating sites when I am bored and want a good laugh. If you matched with me on one of them, I'm sorry. I probably never took anything you said seriously. I decided I should get a hobby instead of chatting with men I don't like.

I like surprises. If you know me, you can surprise me and I will probably love it.

I have abandonment issues. Because of that, I have to work on expressing my emotions effectively. There is always a fear of my emotions causing people to leave me, but I cannot hold to them forever and drive myself crazy.

No I don't love trauma.

Have I experienced my fair share of trauma? Yes

Does my experience with trauma effect my relationships? Hell yes.

Every time i interact with men, specifically it shows up in the worst way. Makes me look like I am disingenuous and not connected to people that I care a great deal about. My threshold of trust is very small and I keep people at bay because of that. And I want to change that because if I don't will lose the people that I want to stay in my life.

My story goes: I like person. Person likes me back. I doubt person really likes me despite them saying so. The doubt begins and a step back a few feet. It becomes awkward and I fade into Bolivia. This is cyclical and I have been doing this since college. I am tired of the narrative. So I have to stop disappearing and stand in my emotions and feelings. That will be difficult because I am not interested in disappointment and hurt but that sometimes is a part of a relationship. I hate that part the most. But I have to give people a chance. It is unfair to have people fight unspoken demons they know nothing about.