Corn dogs? I think not, I prefer mine horny
The story goes, I dropped Lesbian Lover off at her boyfriend’s apartment. (Yes, my Lesbian Lover is cheating on me, with a man. A jewish one. We keep an open relationship. And no, this doesn’t make us bisexual). I then had the room to myself for the remainder of the night, as LL was drunk so I had no expectations of her finding her way back that evening. I then happened to make textual contact with Horn Dog, who ALSO happened to be drunk… and obviously horny. Yay me. He asked if we could hang out and since I was all alone and bored I said “ssssuuuuurrrrreeeeee.” Mistake #1.
He promptly was dropped off at my door and as we were walking up the stairs to my room, what happens but he grabs me. Not like grabs me, but like GRABS me right on the ass, then spins me around and gives me the awkwardest most forceful kiss I have ever in my limited experience experienced. I was too taken back by his bluntness to have much of a reaction. My first reaction I believe was 1. Holy fuck that sucked. 2. Holy fuck I just upped my kiss number! The only number we virgins look to flaunt is that of the guys that we have kissed. So bad ass right? I can only imagine how sexually active people feel.
As if this was bad, the awkwardness was only intensified when we got to my room. This was a fucking A bomb of awkward. I wasn’t really in the mood to be kissed, and not in the way that he was wanting to kiss. I do however have to give this kid props for lifting me from a standing position off the floor and throwing me on the bed. Under really ANY other circumstance that would have been like super sexy, but it just wasn’t at the time.
After I was forcefully thrown on my bed, he obviously crawled up too, cause, hey I’m a hot piece of ass (psssshhhh a fat piece of ass) and who wouldn’t want to make out with my face. Literally though, he made out with my face. Like, you know how when you are neckin with someone usually BOTH parties are active participants? Yeah, well THIS party right here was getting choked out by this drunk guy whose only interest was to tell me “a little less teeth.” Hello!!! Maybe if your face wasn’t shoving my head back with your raperish ways of kissing then you wouldn’t have that problem! I mean, come on douche tard, you really set yourself up for failure here.
I didn’t want to make out with him, so I nicely pushed him off a few times, but he would always just wander back in his booze infused Horn Dog rage. This escalated (don’t worry, clothes were involved the whole time) to him, actually relatively forcefully, dry humping my leg. Like, right on my thigh. I’m pretty sure I have never felt a more awkward sensation than his penis stabbing my thigh fat. He seemed to catch on relatively quick that I wasn’t exactly a big fan of his actions by my grasping at any way out of the situation, even if it meant sacrificing myself and falling off the bed, so he stopped. I was quite thankful for that.
I was not thankful for what happened next.
Kids, you don’t make friends or fuck buddies or whatever it is that you are looking for by dry humping someone’s leg, stopping, looking into their eyes and saying “Are you a virgin?” Whoa whoa whoa now let’s just hit the brakes on this whole experience. My answer was “YUP!” to which he responded “That’s ok, I was too, at the beginning of the year.” Great. Just great. Not only do I have some drunk yuppie all up on my junk, but an inexperienced one at that! And not even terribly hot! Let’s take the terribly out of there cuz that’s being nice!
Keep in mind I would have been fine with most of this had it been the man of my dreams riding in with a shining six pack (muscles, not beer cause I’m only 19 and don’t do illegal things like drinking alcohol EVER… NEVER! #beersucks #whyistherumgone?) and if he had been a little bit more sly about it, and less handsy.. and damn it! If he hadn’t have said “less teeth.” Is it bad that the most aggravating part of that experience is that this dumb drunk fuck was telling ME how to make out when in reality I was just laying there like a blow up doll, praying for an end?? Hurt my feelings. And now one less person will know what a fantastic maker outer I am in real life. His loss. But good lord had he been hotter and actually experienced I would have been flattered rather than repulsed by his actions.
To end the evening I not so gently and unceremoniously shoved him out the door and was so scarred from the experience that I was unable to fall asleep. I had to put in my favorite movie (Boondock Saints hoes) and drift off to visions of hot men that are probably excellent maker outers floating through my dreams.
Let us now break from the monotony of attacking penii as I tell you the tale of a different experience, one that is laced with cleavage and pedophilism.
