@drnataliemanning
Itâs not his blood, but the grey shirt is now dyed a rusty red, he had washed his handsâŚtwice, but he couldnât get the blood out of his finger nail beds, every time he looked at his hands, he found more that he couldnât get off. It wasnât like he hadnât seen people die before, heâd seen them shot, worked grisly murders, held peopleâs hands as they died on roadsides before ambulances could get to them, watched people die in violent explosions in a war-torn wasteland. There was never, ever, going to be a world where it didnât effect you. Where it didnât damage someone.
SometimesâŚhe just needed a minute, in private, in the dark and cold of the Chicago night to try and box everything away again. Jay Halstead didnât deal, he didnât show emotion, heâd always boxed it up. That was just, how he did. What else could you do? Jay didnât really know another way, it wasnât as if the army was famed for its sit down chit chats about how you felt, it was all about getting on with the job, and Jay, had a job to doâŚeven if he couldnât bring himself to get up and do it right now.
Heâs defeated, deflated, heartbroken and lost. He didnât know what to do. He didnât have anyone to go home to, normally he would have gone home to Erin, would have washed the blood off, would have a cold beer, and sit in a stoic silenceâŚbut just having her there had been something. NowâŚnow he didnât bother with bed, he drank and watched TV until he couldnât stay awake any longer. He found ever new creative ways to keep himself busy, sat in his car flicking through the scanner to find open calls that he could respond to, even while off shift.
This time though, thereâs just nothing left in the tank, exhaustion, heartbreak and disappointment were the only thing sitting in his stomach. That poor womanâs last words playing over and over in his mind. How sheâd cried, clung to his hand as he tried to stem the bleeding, as he told her she wasnât alone, that it was alrightâŚeven though he knew it probably wasnât. Sure, his quick actions might have helped keep her alive long enough to get to a hospital, but, wellâŚit hadnât panned out.
