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I can feel the weight
Whatever is bothering me or going to bother me I can feel the weight of it on my chest. I prefer for the feeling to like not... It just makes me wanna not get out of bed. Facing life is hard. But I'm doing it.
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Fuck.
I haven't posted something personal here in a while. But, I'm at a loss and I feel this is my place. I'm so angry at myself. I let my depression and anxiety grow into one hell of an ugly monster. I've been using them both as a crutch to excuse my lack of maturity in handling situation. I'm so angry. So. Fucking. Angry. But I'm also sad. I feel like a point I'd never be at again. I feel like a stupid little kid who just kinda wants to be love and is so obsessed over something he felt he never had, at the first taste of something real, more real than he's ever had, he goes insane. Something snaps and he starts actin the fool. That's where I'm at. Stupid guy going insane acting the fool. What the fuck. What the fuck what the fuck. Sometimes I really fucking hate myself. And I wonder "why not just change?" And then I'm like... "You stupid piece of shit. Even if you did change, it'd just be into something worse and more pathetic" and then I'm back at square one hating myself again. Fuck this stupid fucking bullshit hand I've been dealt. I'm taking a fucking rifle to the dealer after I fucking clean house because I'm sick of this shit. I'm gonna make my own fucking way. I'm sick and tired of being sick and fucking tired of myself. I NEED change in my life. I'm 20 years old. I need to grow the fuck up and stop letting this stupid bullshit run my life. I'm fucking angry. And I'm fucking sad. But more importantly I'm fucking determined.
It's 5 AM
It's five in the morning and I haven't slept yet. My mind wanders over everything that's going on in my life. I'm trying to be better. To not be a depressed asshole all the time. I'm trying to get over her. But goddamn... That's hard. She was such a huge part of my life and we both hurt each other. ALOT. I can't afford to be stuck on her anymore though. I need to close that door and suppress those memories like I do most bad things. She wasn't a bad thing. The situation was and it haunts me at times like this where the darkness surrounds me, and my mind clings to the negative. I can't do it anymore I can't be in her life and I can't have her in mine. Not if I want to get better. And I'm getting better. Without her. Finally. I'm ready for a new chapter in my life. A new chapter with a new plot and new characters. I'm ready for a new adventure. Hell, I'm ready to fall in love again finally. I'm ready to open my heart again because I've been shutting myself off for way too long. I'm ready. I'm giving myself a outlook on life. Positivity and optimism are what I'm challenging myself with and I'm so excited to be at this point.
Hmmm
After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that a more suitable name is out there for me. Although Andrew treated me well for the two or so years that I had it, I believe it's time to choose a more fitting name. Since starting college I've lost and found my way again which has brought me here today. So, if you have a name that you think would fit me, shoot me an ask and tell me why. Or if you feel like Andrew fits me do the same. Thanks lovely followers. I love you all.
Blah blah blah.
Here we go again. Here we go the fuck again. I can feel myself slipping back into my old ways. The depression, the disphoria, the ex. Jesus I thought I was at least past her. But the longer I'm alone and away from her the more I regret not being with her. I know no matter what we'll never be the same but A small part of me wants to try. As for everything else, I knew it was coming. Always does right after the anniversary of mom's death. I'll keep the razors away for now. Happy Whatever the fuck you celebrate.
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I hate Christmas.
All I want is cigarettes, weed, alcohol, and to be far away from my collection of razors and my overbearing family. This year sucks and money is so tight. My phone is off and I got $40 bucks. Im grateful for getting anything at all but Jesus this is stupid. This is why I hate Christmas. Fuck being home. I can't wait to leave.
Oh, okay.
Since no one will actually read this, I'm going to say things that my brain is thinking at the moment. Only because I'm angry and sad and frustrated and I need to get some things off my chest.
I'm hungry. I missed dinner. I missed you a little while ago, then I remembered that you left me and missing you is illogical. But, I still miss you. I miss the way we used to lay in your bed just cuddling and making out. I miss our cute days where we'd just do things as a couple. I miss saying "babe". Then it hits me. I don't have to miss you. I could take you back right now and everything will be better. Nah, it won't be better. It would be putting a tiny bandage on a huge fucking hole. I can't do that. I can't handle the thought of that. I can't handle anything at the moment.
I guess this is the part in my life where I'm at my low again. I'll be here for a wee bit and then I'm right back to normal. I guess what I'm wondering is when that will stop happening. It's either going to stop because I'm just happy all the time or I'm going to break my sanity in half and be a mess all the time... Wait... I'm a mess all the time now. Maybe I broke already.
Ugh. I hate being alone this time of year. I sink into my head and my thoughts drown me. This is around the time where I realize that my mom's dead, my dad's clueless which makes him an asshole, my family is falling apart, and I have no control over any of it. I have no one to distract me or lean on for the support I need. The support of someone more than a friend. Someone that I've connected with on a deeper level. Someone who only wants me to be happy and make sure I achieve that. Someone to love me.
Sorry about bitching so much.
On a better note,
Lately, I've hated most things. Although I still do, I've found that today has been rather shitty, then good, then shitty, and ended on a good note. I'm rather grateful for that. A couple of people that I really care about are off to a better path than before, I'm becoming more comfortable with the female population, and I'm giving less and less fucks about what my dad has to say about my life. Things are starting to look up.
