#dramatic tony is dramatic

“Why don’t you use their oversight to help us escape this place?” Thor suggested.

“Oh, but I can’t be smart enough for that, otherwise they’d have realised and tied me up,” Tony bitched, very aware of how petty he sounded. “I guess I should take my PHDs back and -”

“Tony.”

“Fine,” he sighed dramatically, before rounding on Bruce. “Ready to go to work, Brucie Bear?”

“Well,” Bruce sighed, “if you’d listened to me twenty minutes ago instead of screaming profanity at the guards, you’d have realised that there’s a vent in the corner that could maybe fit one of us in.”

“One of us being...?” Tony asked slowly, because he didn’t like where that train of thought was going. 

“It makes more sense for you to go, Tony,” Bruce mumbled. “You can get the Iron Man suit and come break the rest of us out.”

“Plus, you’re the smallest out of the two of you guys,” Clint smirked. “You’ve got a better chance of wriggling on through.”

“First of all, I’m feeling very attacked right now,” Tony sniped. “Secondly, Clint, fuck you.”

“Tony,” Steve murmured, and dammit, when Tony turned to face him he was giving him full blown puppy-dog eyes. “We need your help.”

“Of course you do,” Tony hummed after a moment of pause. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

---

Tony hated his team. 

“This isn’t funny, guys!” he grunted, trying fruitlessly to unjam his backside from where it had caught on the sides of the vent. “If I get caught like this, we’re all in for it, you asses.”

“Yours is the only ass I can see right now,” came Natasha’s muffled voice from behind him, and Tony could practically hear the smirk in her voice. 

“Tony’s right, guys,” Steve’s voice chipped in, and he sounded much more frantic, for some reason. It wasn’t that big a deal. 

“Aw, lighten up, Cap,” Clint chuckled, and then Tony felt a hand spank him. 

“Fuck you, Clint!” he yelled indignantly, wriggling again to no avail. “Guys!”

“This isn’t getting us anywhere!” Steve squeaked. “Tony, I - can you not move at all?”

“If I could move, do you really think I’d just be couched here, ass in the air?” Tony huffed. “Of course I can’t move! One of you is gonna have to give me a push!”

“You should do the honours, Captain,” Thor hummed, and Tony immediately felt himself heat a little under the collar. 

He and Steve were... close. Not touching each other’s butt, close - at least, not yet - but close. Tony had actually kinda been hoping they were starting to get to the butt-touching part, but he really hadn’t expected the first occurrence to involve the team, too. 

“Um!” Steve’s voice had gone very high. “I -”

“Unless you’d rather one of us do it?” Natasha asked innocently. 

“No, no, I’ll do it,” Steve cut in quickly. 

God, Tony was glad none of the team could see his face. Even he wasn’t sure what expression he was pulling as, suddenly, he felt a pair of large, fumblingly warm hands cup his ass. Steve obviously couldn’t control himself, because before he pushed Tony forwards into the vent, he gave a light squeeze and sent tingles racing right up Tony’s spine. 

“T-thanks, Cap!” Tony’s voice was even higher than Steve’s had been as he was propelled a few inches forwards, freeing him from his entrapment. “I’ll be right back!”

Not sure what else to say, he shuffled forwards and didn’t look back; they’d have to talk about that squeeze when they were somewhere a little more private.