#dramatic lol

i dont know where to begin

breaking down the huge pile of self loathing i have grown within me.

the walls of my heart are splayed black

and i smell like burning sulphur.

my thoughts are disorganised

and my feelings are out like an open wound, free for people to examine

but even that has stopped now, just flies keeping me company sometimes.

i want to know the ways to treat myself decently enough,

but each time, i am shot down in the midst of getting up

and now the trying part is coming to a halt.

as not giving it a go,

saying to others and mainly to myself

that if i tried, id be unbeatable,

is the easy way having a lesser chance of a heart breaking.

but coming to the realisation

that i tried and did not succeed

was all i achieved this year

and it hurt.

the only value i possessed within me

or more so thought that i did

was not based on practical terms,

but spoken word from others and as a result from me,

that i have that said potential.

its dangerous, living in a world that values geniuses

because they stand nowhere

and are nothing in comparison to people work,

who put in the hours, fighting whatever slack comes their way.

and all i have gained my whole life

has never come due to my efforts.

so in a way

i am and have nothing.

Got you, hun

(sorry for bad quality pic, the camera on my phone is shit 😅)

under the cut is turn around version

I’m a chronic overthinker.

I’m quite good at puzzles, both the jigsaw and logic variety. I’m particularly fond of Nonograms.

I was a “gifted” kid in school. I excelled in all academic subjects until I hit Chemistry and Physics, which just didn’t *click*, and I struggled to keep my grades up in those classes.

I have not gone, nor am I going to go, to college.

I collect Transformers (again, the puzzle aspect).

I’m a visual/spatial learner. I’m possibly mild ADHD. I frequently forget or lack motivation to perform tasks. I remember random little details, and forget others.

Again, INFJ. I’m not particularly secretive for an INFJ, though. I’m very open about certain things and will clumsily attempt to make friends with various people.

I’m currently an HVAC technician, but I’m considering a career switch to nonfiction writing of some sort. Still working out the logistics of doing that without a degree...