#dr-tan

“I just can’t believe you were kissing her in the middle of our room like that.”

“Rachel,” Quinn attempts, half sigh and half plea, but her unformed apology is cut off by a rush of accusations and jerky hand gestures.

“You should have let me know she was going to be here. I shouldn’t have to walk in on…on things like that.”

Quinn frowns, not understanding where Rachel’s offended attitude is coming from. Sure, it had been awkward and uncomfortable for her to walk in on Quinn and Megan in the middle of a kiss, but it’s not like they were doing it on Rachel’s bed. It wasn’t even all that hot and heavy. Unfortunately, Quinn understands her own slightly pathetic need to offer an apologetic explanation to Rachel all too well. “I didn’t know she was coming over. She wanted to talk about…”

“That didn’t look like talking, Quinn,” Rachel cuts her off with a frown of her own.  Crossing her arms, she glances away, reluctant to meet Quinn’s eyes as she continues to talk. “But it’s f-fine. She’s gorgeous. Of course you’d want to…to kiss her.” Rachel shakes her head before finally returning her gaze to Quinn. “I just didn’t think she was really your type.”

“I don’t even know if I have a type.” That’s a lie. She has a type, and it’s standing right in front of her, but she still hasn’t mustered up the courage to admit that to Rachel and make their friendship weird right when she needs it most. “Megan is the first girl I’ve even gone out with.  I’m still kind of new at this, Rachel.”

“So you thought you’d let Megan break you in?”

The unexpected sarcasm hits her like a slap in the face, fraying the edges of her temper. “God, what is your problem?” she demands, wanting to know where all of Rachel’s supposed support of her newfound sexual identity has suddenly gone. “Megan is exactly the second girl I’ve kissed, and the first one doesn’t count because it was Santana! Am I not allowed to act on my sexuality? Am I supposed to just spend the rest of my life alone and miserable?” 

And pining for you? she thinks morosely. 

Rachel’s entire demeanor changes in the blink of an eye—shame and regret instantly washing away the defensiveness. Her arms drop to her sides and her eyes grow wide and wounded. “No, of course not. But you shouldn’t just…just jump at the first girl who shows any interest in you. You deserve to be with someone who loves you, Quinn,” she explains almost plaintively. “Someone who knows you…and…and respects you. N-not a girl who…however, nice she may be…is a self-proclaimed flirt. I mean, she even tried to pick me up when we met.”

Quinn remembers, and she remembers Rachel claiming she was flattered but wholly uninterested—right before she’d rushed out to meet that guy from her acting class. “It doesn’t matter, Rachel, because I’m not even that into her. Okay?” In fact, it’s the reason Meg had come over to talk. She’d wanted to apologize for pushing too hard and fast with Quinn on their date, and Quinn had admitted that she wasn’t really ready for a physical relationship just yet—at least not with Meg. 

“Then why did you even kiss her?” 

“Why do you care?” Quinn fires back in frustration. The kiss with Meg had been more of a goodbye than anything, but it really shouldn’t matter to Rachel. Unless… 

“Because I…I care about you, okay?” Rachel stutters out, growing defensive once again. “Megan isn’t right for you?”

Quinn silently agrees, but, “You don’t know that.”

“Yes! I do!” Rachel exclaims, pressing a hand over her own chest. “I know it because I know you, Quinn…and…and I know you’re not just looking for some random hookup. Deep down, you’re just as much of a romantic as I am, and you…you want to be wooed and…and fall in love…and have someone fall in love with you, all of you, the good and the bad and the…the bitchy, and to see how beautiful you are, inside and out.” With every impassioned word, Rachel’s eyes glisten more and more—or maybe it’s Quinn eyes that are glistening. “You want someone to talk with and fight with, someone who believes in you and…and challenges you. Someone to hold you when you cry and…and live for your smile. Someone who will stand proudly beside you no matter what life throws in your way. You deserve that, Quinn,” she says, voice trembling with conviction—and something else that Quinn prays to God she isn’t imagining. “You deserve all of that, and I wish…God, I wish…”

Rachel cuts herself off, agitatedly wiping at the obvious moisture beneath her eyes. 

“What? What do you wish?” Quinn begs, afraid to hope—but God! That speech is everything that Quinn has ever wanted to hear. It’s everything she feels about Rachel so perfectly summarized that it has to be impossible for Rachel to be describing anyone else but herself.  She carefully reaches out to take Rachel’s hand between her own. “Please…Rachel?”  

Rachel’s tearful gaze meets hers. She looks a little lost, a little afraid, more than a little bit hopeful, and when she finally answers Quinn’s plea, the words are all but whispered. “I wish I could be that person.”

Quinn lifts her free hand to cup Rachel’s cheek, brushing away a stray tear with her thumb. “Rachel.” The name is both exhalation and exaltation. “You already are.”  

Rachel’s breath hitches, and her eyes widen in wonder. The look she’s giving Quinn is—it’s that look; the one Quinn has been dreaming of seeing directed at her for nearly a year. There’s really no way she can even try to resist kissing Rachel, so she doesn’t. 

And Rachel doesn’t stop her. 

The first brush of their lips is soft, tentative and careful. It’s an answered prayer, a benediction, a veneration. It’s that moment when the first car of the roller coaster crests the hill and hovers for an instant a hundred stories high in anticipation of the big drop, all swooping stomachs and fluttering hearts. And then it drops—

A soft moan vibrates against Quinn’s lips, and it doesn’t matter if it’s Rachel’s or her own, because Rachel tilts her head just so and deepens the kiss, and just like that, Quinn’s world explodes in a rush of adrenalin. It’s thrilling and passionate and addictive and even better than she’d ever imagined, and she never wants it to end. It’s only the eventual need for oxygen that reluctantly parts them.  

Rachel inhales on a shuddering breath—her arms wrapped tightly around Quinn’s waist. “Tell me this is really happening, that I’m not just dreaming this,” she murmurs in awe. 

A breathless laugh escapes Quinn, because she wants to ask Rachel the same thing. “I don’t know. I’ve been having this dream for so long.”

“You never told me.” And she sounds so bereft about it. 

In retrospect, Quinn realizes that she’s been so fucking stupid. But really? “How did you not figure it out?” There have been so many moments when Quinn had been certain that she’d failed to mask her feelings.

“Because you’re Quinn Fabray,” Rachel answers like it should be obvious, “and I’m….I’m just…”

“Everything,” Quinn supplies before Rachel can start doubting herself. “You’re everything, Rach. Beautiful. Talented. Caring. Stubborn. Exasperating.” Rachel frowns at that, but Quinn only smiles. “And so, so perfect for me. I’m so in love with you.”

Rachel’s eyes widen again, and she gasps. “You…you love me?”

That makes Quinn crash down from her euphoric haze pretty quickly, and her hold on Rachel loosens. “Is it…is it too soon?” she asks before realizing how stupid her own question is. They’d just kissed for the first time, for heaven’s sake!  “It is, isn’t it?” she worries. It’s just like her to immediately screw up a good thing. She should have just been happy to finally have a chance with Rachel—enjoyed the moment and not rushed it. “I shouldn’t have said it…”

“No,” Rachel hurriedly exclaims. “I mean, yes. Yes,” she quickly amends. “You absolutely should say it. I love you too, Quinn. I do.” She hugs Quinn closer, and Quinn’s heart practically bursts out of her chest. Rachel loves her! “I don’t know how or when it happened,” Rachel continues earnestly. “I only know that I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Like I always want be close to you. Like your happiness means more to me than anything…and just knowing that you’re happy makes me happy. Like we just…fit.” Her eyes are filled with so much tender affection that Quinn can’t doubt for a moment that she means it.

“We do. I…I feel it, too.” She has for a while now. “I love you.”