#dpdiary

Record #32

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Whhat… sshhould I exspect nexst?.. Whhat can be worrssse thhan my currrent condition?..

I assked mysself thhesse quesstionss sso many timess… So many timess I couldn’t imagine ssomethhing worrsse to hhappen to me. And yet… it hhappened. It hhappened no matterr whhat… Sso… Hhow can I hhope now thhat my condition won’t become worrsse withh time?.. Hhow?..

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I guesss… I can only wait forr a nexst deterriorration…

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It’ss funny actually… My condition frrom jusst a few monthhs ago sseems to me almosst asss ssomethhing pleassant now. Jusst a little irrritation… A trrifle…

Will I rrecall my currrent condition withh thhe ssame attitude in thhe futurre?..

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Thhiss… Thhisss thhoughht sstrikess fearrr in me… But… Whhat can I do about it?..

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My currrent condition… No… No, I cannot imagine ssomethhing worrsse thhan it. I jussst can’t…

Judge forr yourrsself, dearr diarry…

Firrsst of all, it’ss my sskin… Forrtunately, I hhave nothhing new to ssay about it, but thhiss fact doessn’t make sstate of thhingss betterr... It’ss sstill a quite nasssty featurre... Howeverr, now it sstarrted to sseem like ssomethhing inssignificant, comparring to everrythhing elssse. Comparring to… Comparring to my face, if I sstill can call it ssso... Comparring to my blood... Comparring to thhesse thhingsss on my fingerrss whhichh make it agonizingly hharrrd to do any kind of worrk withh my hhandss... Of courrsse, I can type insstead of wrriting, but… thhe rressst… I… Now I can’t do ssso many thhhingss thhat hhelped me to rrelaxs afterr worrk beforrre… I… can play my guitar only barrrely now… Thhesse ssoundss thhat I exstrrract frrom it… Thhey hhharrdly can be called musssic…

And… Thhesse... clawsss (I… can’t call thhem nailsss anymorre, at all dessirre) and… ssscaless on my body… Asside frrom looking plainly hhhideousss, thhey damage my clothhes a bit too often. It’ss annoying… maddening... Not to mention thhat thhiss fact makesss it hharrderr to… hhhide everrythhing…

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Hhide… Hhhow can I hhhide my condition at all?!! My frrrame itsself hass chhhanged! And pain in thhe back won’t let me walk ssstrraighhht. And my voice? I… I rreally trrried to chhange it. I trrried withh all my mighhht! But… thhiss coarrrssenessss…  It jusst won’t go… Desspite all my efforrrtss, I can’t hhide it… And… it sseemsss… I noticed thhat… It sseemss, it becomes worrrsse withh time…

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Yess… I can’t hhide my condition… Not anymorre… And thhuss… Thhusss… I can’t leave thhisss rroom…

No morre walkss… Jusst thhiss place… Jusst I am hherre alone in thhe darrknesss… And darrknesss… It’ss inevitable now, becausse… becaussse… my eyess can’t ssstand brrighht lighht anymorrre…

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Hhoweverr… maybe… I thhink thhat maybe I don’t even want to parrt withh thhis murrk thhat muchh, conssiderring thhe currrent cirrrcumsstancesss. Yess… It can hhelp... And it hhhelpss. I… ssomehhow feel sssaferr underr itss coverr. But… at thhe ssame time… it opprrresssess me…

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Worrk hhelpss too… at ssome degrree. It hhhelpss to forrget, but… it hhass sstarrted to become muchh morre tirressome thhan beforre... Thhe rreasson?.. Perrhhapss, it’ss becausse I hhave to worrrk morre afterr thhe rrecent exspanssion, but… thhat’ss not all... Now, in addition, I’m deprrived of ssomethhing quite imporrrtant forr one’s ability to concentrrrate.

Ssince thhhat nighht, I hhave a trrouble ssleeping. Thhherre iss sssomethhhing… a drream… a nighhtmarrre maybe… thhat bothherrss me all nighht long. I… don’t rrememberr it well… and… I hhave not sso muchh dessirrre to rrecall it. Hhowbeit, itss effect is obviousss…

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It’ss… It’ss good thhat I hhave ssuch a ssecrretarry. Norrma hhelpss a lot. Among othher thhingss, I hhad to assk hherr to take overr ssome of my clientss and parrtnerrss eithherr vissiting orr calling. I… do not thhink thhat it will be hhhelpful to my bussinesss if thhey sstarrt to assk exscesss quesstionss. And now… my voice sssolely may induce thhem forr it…

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*Sigh*

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But, I wonderr… Norrma sseess me. Sshhe hhhearrsss me… morre often thhan any othherr perrsson (including my own mothherr, sssadly), and sstill… sshhe sseemss sso loyal.

Hhonesstly, I exspected hherr, desspite thhe contrract, to ssprread rrrumorrss about me. But sshhe… It sseemss, nobody knowss whhat sshhe knowss sstill. Thherre arre no rrumorss… no guessess… Nothhing…

And… hherr look… Hher eyess… Thherre’ss ssomething in thhem… sso vivid… sso cleverr… It… brrightenss my day a bit when I ssee hher...

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Unforrtunately… Thherre arre sstill too many thhingss to be upsset about… And I… ssee hherr too sseldom…

Desspite everrythhing, I can’t rrisk. Too muchhh iss on ssstake…

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But… thhiss rrremindss me… I hhaven’t mentioned yet thhhe mossst disssturrrbing… thhe mossst… disssgusssting… featurre of my wonderrrful condition.

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I wonderr… if any hhhorrrorr wrriterr… if any sssci-fi sscenarrrisst… ever thhoughht of hhhow a chhharrracterrr withh teethhh like mine, eatsss?

It’ss rreally an amussssing tale, I musst ssay.

Do you want to hhhearr it?

I confesss… up to thhiss point, I wass too disssgusssted to thhink about it, muchhh lessss I wanted ssay it aloud, but… I hhhave to sssay it… Issn’t it a point of thhisss diarry, afterrr all?..

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Ssso… Hhow to eat if sssome forrrce rreplaced all of yourrr teethh withhh pegsss? Well… thherre iss no sssuchh thhing asss chhhewing available to you anymorrre. Nope. You jussst hhave to trry it once to dissscourrage thhe desssirre to do it again. If you trrry to chhew… well… you’ll neverr rrreachh yourr goal, but... thhhe food… it will… inssstead it will sssstick anywhhherrrre whherrre it’ss posssible between yourrr teethhhh. And… if you trry to… do ssssomethhhing about thhis messs… well… thessse pegss arrre quite ssshhharrrrp and… it won’t end withhhout… cerrrtain amount of pain…

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*Heavy sigh*

Thhusss… you can eithherr drrrrink sssomethhing orr… rrrip ssomethhing aparrrt and... sssswallow thhe bitss asss thhey arrre.

A pleassurrre frrom eating? Forrrrget about it. At all! Thherrre iss… no sssuchhh thhhhing anymorrrre. You eithhherr eat like old-aged man orrr… like a wild animal…

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And alssso… Pluss to it… I ssstarrted to notice thhat my body doesssn’t favourrrr grrreensss thhat muchhh anymorre...

I guess… thhat liquid thhhat worrks asss blood in my body iss not sso compatible withh thhhem (Competition in colourrr? Hhahhh-ahh…), jusst asss it’ss not compatible withh clean airrr, of whhichhh my hhhonorrrrable doctorrsss kindly inforrmed me afterrr… thhe latesst rrrevelation.

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Yess… It… turrnsss out thhat I can’t brreathhe clean airrr withhout ssuffocating indeed anymorrre. (Asss if everrythhing elssse wassn’t enoughh...) Sso… I hhave to keep thhe window open now, dessspite… ssome potential nuisssance. If I hhave a vissitor I hhave to meet in perrssson, I jusst hhave to closse thhe window forrr thhe airr to become clean again - I didn’t turrn off thhe airr cleaning ssyssstem. And thhen… Thhen I hhope thhhey don’t notice anythhing disrturrrbing forr thhem… desspite my hhheavy brrreathh and coughhh… (Lookss like I hhhave finally found thhe rrreassson of it. A blessssing in disssguisssse, hhuhhh?!!)

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Asss exspected, thhe medicss didn’t know whhy my body worrked thhiss way orr hhow to hhhelp me. Can it be othherrwisse? I… begin to thhink thhat thhisss iss a parrt of thheirr worrk – not to know whhat’sss going on.

Thhoughh… thhey sstill can sssuggesst. But thheirr ssuggessstions… Thhey’rre not thhe thhingsss I can accept… Thhey can’t be trrue… But thhen… whhhat can be?..

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*Heavy sigh*

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Sso… thhiss iss thhe sstate of affairrss, dearr diarry… My life hhass apparrently taken an unexsspected turrn… I… trry not to thhink about it too muchh, but sstill… ssometimess I wonderr: hhow will thhiss all end?.. And… thhinking about thhiss… withh eachh new day I feel like I losse anothherr bit of optimissm in me…

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But… I’m looking at thhe clock… It’ss quite late alrready… It’ss time to finisshh thhiss monologue…

Anothherr day in thhe office iss overr. Ssoon I will hhead to my aparrtment upsstairrss to meet anothherr exscrruciating meal and agonizing drream afterrwarrdss. A daily rroutine…

Hhoweverr… on thhe way thherre I will meet Norrma. And maybe… I hhope, thhat look in hherr eyess will brrighhten up thhe rresst of my day today…

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Record #31

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I… Whhhat hhhave I done?.. I-I… It’sss opened. I b-brrreathhhe thhiss airrr and…

I-I don’t underrssstand… Hhow? It sshhouldn’t be sso! Thhhiss airrr…I…

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No… No, no, no! It’ss imposssible, IMPOSSSIBLE!

Aaaaahhh!

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Thhisss airrr…

Thhhisss… thhhisss p-polluted filthhhy airrr… It’sss… easssierrr… to brrreathhhe withhh it…

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Record #30

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I hhave chhhecked the airr cleaning ssyssstem. It… worrrks. Maybe… sssensors arre brrroken. I…

*Cough*

It… becomess worrsse…

*Heavy breathing*

It feelsss like... I’m sssuffocating!

Aaaah!

Record #29

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I… know I sshould worrk, but… it’s hhhard… now… Thhoughts arrre swarming my brrrain… And feelings… I can’t hhold them inssside. I tried to ignorre this all. I… rrreally trried, but yessterday…

Darrrn it!

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It… wass an appointment withhh my doctorrs yesterrrday. And thhey… thhhey… Ahhrrrr! They sshhould make me feel betterrr, shhhouldn’t thhey?! But inssstead… Whhy do I feel myssself so muchh worrrse?..

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They… hhhave sstudied every inchhh of me… Hahh… They sssaid a lot of thhingss… I asked thhem to. I wanted to know whhat hhhappened to me. But thhen… I wisshhed I didn’t ask thhem at all…

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*Cough*

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Whhhat did they sssay, huhh? Thhat I’m dying? Naaaah. *Quick nervous laugh* I am not. It’ss obviousss, isn’t it? Thiss… This illnesss… It wantss not to kill, but… to transssforrm.

Hhhh… Thhey… Thhhey ssaid I felt mysself so weak beforrre becaussse of my phy- physs- Ah, dasshh it! Thhey said thhhat “the way my body isss functioning” hass chhhanged. Whhat?! What doesss thiss even mean?!! I… feel mysself almossst hhealthy. But thhen… I…

DARRRNED MEDICSS!!! Whhy did thhhey…

*Groan*

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Ha… hahha…

To top it all thhey… they sshhowed me thhat… I didn’t want to sssee it. I didn’t want to believe, but…

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My blood… It wass my blood thhhat sstained my bed thhat morrning… It… was my blood thhhat leakss from my mouthhh whhen I’m upsset… And… it’s grrreen…

MY BLOOD. ISS. GRRREEN!!! HHOW?!! THISSS- Thhiss thing iss supposssed to be RRED!!! It’s… Of c-courrsse it darkened… earrlier, but… it rrresembled blood at leassst! And NOW?!!

Darn, darrn, DARRRN!!!

*Heavy cough*

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Hahha. Hhherre it isss.

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Dammit…

*Spitting sound*

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Oh-hhhaha! Hhow fitting! You know, it matchesss my ssuit in colourrr! Wow!

*Crashing sound*

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*Heavy breathing*

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*Sob*

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Thhey… Of courrrse, thhey… they didn’t know whhhat to do withh thisss all…

They can only ssstudy… Only ssspeak of whhat they hhhave found… Filthhy sscientistsss… And I… I hhave no choice thhhan… to be theirr sstudy object…

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I saw… I saw hhow exsscited thhey werrre. They… chatterrred in thheir ssscientific language like a bunch of ssschoolgirlss! Maybe… it’s for thhe better thhat I didn’t underssstand much of what thhhey said… It’ss enoughhh of what I alrready know…

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“Thhe way my body isss functioning”…

I… don’t feel it rrreally. But… thhese worrds… They ssscarre me…

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Oh, yesss, rright! My amazing condition inssspirred them to a thhheory of itsss orrigin! Oh-hho! Finally! Do you know whhhat they ssaid? The rrreason may be a pollution! Aha! Wow! I guesss ssomeone rreads too muchhh cheap comic bookss at odd timesss! Whho I am to thhhem? A mutant? Ah-hhahha! Funny.

Pollution. Frrom my factorrry. Hhmph! Thhhere arre exsshhaust filterss! Almosst… everywhhere. Uhhh… Ah, it doesssn’t matter! If it’s becausse of pollution, thhhen why it’ss only me whho caughhht this ailment? Thherre arre plenty of worrrkers in the factorry! Bessidess, my office is the cleanessst parrt of it! The airr herrre iss cleaned additionally! Sspeaking of whichh… It… hass become ssstrangely sstuffy herre for ssome rrreason.

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Mmmhh…

Maybe I’m jusst tirrred, but…

Record #28

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*Sigh*

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Severral days hhhave passed… I… immerssed myself in worrk. It hhelps. A bit... My thhoughtsss are sstill too loud ssometimes… But it’ss better thhhan beforre. It distractss…

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Luckily, thhere isss a lot of work. Exsspansion iss applied at its full ssscale now. All prroduction lines are rrrunning. Demand is hhigh as neverr beforre. I guess, thhhings are going… grrreat? … Yes. Yess, I suppossse, they arre. Thhey arre…

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Uhhh… I… don’t want to thhhink about thhis. But… thoughtss arrre coming… Thhey won’t go until I ssspeak it out…

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It’ss… imposssible! Unthhhinkable, unbelievable! Hhow could thhisss HAPPEN?

Nnnngghhh…

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*Heavy sigh*

New ssuit is hhhelping… At leassst, I don’t ssee it all. But… I can feel… Barrrely, thoughhh… withh thisss kind of sskin…

If only it werre jussst my lookss as beforre, but…

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Hehhe… Even if thhey werrre, it didn’t hhhelp my tailorr…

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Dammit…

It wass so hharrrd to resstrrain myssself when… And thhhen…

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Hhe rrrevealed ssomething… new and interrressting about my body. I… My… body type itssself hhas changed. I… don’t know hhhow… hhow it’ss even posssible! But… among othhher thhingss… I obviousssly became tallerr.

Hhah… In othherr cirrrcumstancess maybe I would be even glad to rrreveal thhis. Now… it’sss jusst disturrrbing… As well asss everythhing elssse…

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*Cough*

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Thhat’s… enoughhh…

It’ss time to worrrk...

Record #27

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Thhhrree dayss… It’s been… thrree daysss…

I… hhaven’t felt it…

It sseemed like one… But… a very-verry long one…

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I ate… ssslept… Thhough… it’ss not rrestful anymorre, but rathhher… dissturrbing…

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It wass enoughhh to see… It convinced me… My condition… It iss real. As muchh asss it is disssgusting… nighhtmarrish… It’s sso harrd to cope withh it… Impossible… I can’t even hhhide… My ssuit still doesn’t fit me… Whhhy?.. Iss it because of my back? It hhhurts… Can’t sstraighhten it fully… And rrregarding my hhandss…

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Dammit…

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Thhere’s ssstill not a worrd frrrom my doctorrss. Dassstarrds… But I can’t wait any longerr…

I hhave to work.  

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I… have to ssstay optimisstic.

I don’t feel ssso bad, actually. It’ss strrrange… But I don’t feel mysself ill anymorre, as it was beforrre, indeed. Only thhat pain in the back… Eithherrr way, it’s not muchh more thhan my… looksss?..

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Ah, whhho am I kidding?! It’sss not anymorrre! It’ss worrthhh of jussst one glance! ONE GLANCE! To sssay thhat… I’m…

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Am I… a hhuman at all sstill?..

*Cough*

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Yess. Yesss, I am!

Of courrsse it’s jussst a disseasse. Don’t… give up. It doessn’t matterr whhat hhhappens to yourr body. You arre… thhe same perssson.

Don’t give up, Once-lerr. You’rre ssstill herre… You’rre sstill alive. You ssstill can fighht it!

You’rre billionaire. You hhhave everrything you everrr wanted! Don’t lossse it. You… hhave a business to rrrun. Do it for hher. Do it for yourrr drreams. Nothhing can ssstop you. Nothhing will ssstop you. Whhhateverr it iss, you can win.

You can.

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You can…

Record #26

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Nothhhing! Hhe could sssay nothhhing! Hhis team prrromissed me a currre ssoon! Aaand? Hhhe could sssay NOTHHHHING!!!

Hhe examined me frrrom hhead to toesss! And whhat did hhhe ssay?! “We’ll need morrre analyssesss.” DAMN YOU!!! Whhat I’m paying you forrr? Forr yourr exsscusess out of… perrplexssity?..

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Hhe wass afrraid…

HHHE. WASS. AFRRRRAID! And hhow sshhhould I feel myssself thhen?! I, whho trrrapped in thhiss HHHORRORRR OF A BODY?!!!

AAARRRGHH!

*Crashing sound*

I want to ssstrrangle hhhim! I want hhhhim to SUFFERRR!!! I want hhim to feel whhhat I DO!

Ungghhh… I… I…

*Heavy breathing*

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*Cough*

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Calm down… Calm down, Once-lerrr. Whhat… hhasss hhappened to you?.. Be masssterr of yourrsself… It’sss only an ill- Aah!

Oiiiii… Ow… ow…

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Fo panful…

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No. No, no, NO! It’f not juft an illnessss!!!

Whhhat kind of ILLNESSSS MAKESSS YOURRR TEETHHHH RRRAZOR-SSHHHARRP?!!! WHHHAT KIND OF ILLNESSS GRRROWSSSS FRRRIGGIN CLAWSSS ON YOURRRR FINGERRRSS AND-and… SSSCALESS ALL OVERRR YOURRRR BODY??!!! WHHHHAT KIND OF ILLNESSSS MAKESSS YOURRR FACE LOOK LIKE SSSSOMETHHHING FRRROM THHHE WORRSSST NIGHHTMARRRE??!!!!! WHHHAT… kind…

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*Sobbing*

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I…

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I won’t…

I won’t leave my bedrrroom everr again…

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Neverrr…

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Record #25

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I called for hhim… Hhhe… prromised to be hhere sssoon…

Was sssurprrised of a hhouse call… Hehh… eh…

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Thherre are a couple morrre ssurprisesss… waiting forr him… hhhere…

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*Sob*

Dammit…