#dp00boo

This movie starts with pretty epic bass. Dude.

Creepy driving on the road scene.

That bodes well.

Voiceover by…I think it’s Nicholas Cage.

Yes, yes it’s him.

That is a pretty motherfucking car and pretty motherfucking house.

Holy crap.

That daughter looks familiar…but I don’t want to look her up just now

CIGARETTES

IT’S PROBABLY CAM

OH. DAMN. NICE POOL.

That girl seriously looks so familiar

Oh, Nicole Kidman is the wife.

Nicholas Cage and Nicole Kidman…what an unexpected pairing

That is a crazy expensive diamond.

No wonder someone breaks into your home.

And by someone.

I mean Cam.

And his friend.

But mostly Cam

Nicole Kidman is gonna put on sexy lingerie, nice.

Nicholas Cage, your wife is probably cheating on you. She’s randomly super dressed up and doesn’t look like she’s going anywhere.

I’m suspicious

The girl already snuck out

I bet she did

The daughter is gone

And the wife is talking to a door

Nicholas Cage…why so suspicious of that concrete wall in the back of your property

Ohp. I was wrong, girl hadn’t snuck out…but she certainly is now

In a skanky outfit too

WHOA. SECURITY SYSTEM

Nicole Kidman is getting druuuuunk

Leapt a fence to go meet up with her equally skanky friend

Yup

Oh, joking about your mom needing a divorce, so classy.

I’m far off about the cheating thing, I think. I watch too many crime shows.

Nicole Kidman…totally about to jump Nicholas Cage

Still not sure if I see it

Ohp. There’s the marriage fight

AND A MYSTERIOUS PERSON AT THE DOOR

FINALLY

Oh. Look. Mysterious ‘cops’

I bet they’re not cops

I bet its Cam

Cam and his criminal friend

They are not showing any faces

NOT COPS

NOT

COPS

NOT COPS

WEARING MASKS

PROBABLY CAM

BE CAM

CAM

I SHOULDN’T BE ROOTING FOR THE CRIMINAL…

BUT HERE I AM

The daughter is so skanky.

No wonder they think your friend is a bad influence because SHE IS ONE

But right now, she was your best shot at living

Not just Cam and a friend. There are 4 people

A girl and three guys

Cam is one of them, and like the only one I can tell who it is

HOLY HELL. Cam just went through the house and punched all their computers

PUNCHED ALL OF THEIR COMPUTERS

THEIR COMPUTERS ARE BROKEN

BY HIS BARE HANDS

TAKE ME NOW

IF YOU COULD HEAR TRISH IN MY HEAD LOL

This girl is the whiniest criminal ever

I feel like she doesn’t really want to be involved

Nicholas Cage has horrible glasses in this film

Don’t shoot Nicole Kidman, she’s won awards!

Nicholas Cage is talking and making excuses

Cam is like ‘bitches, don’t listen’

Cam is once again, the only smart thing in the room

The other two criminals are crazy

And the lady is off criming somewhere else in the house

But Cam is just…chuckling

Creepily chuckling

Omg

HOW IS ‘HOOLIGAN’ A CURSE WORD, NICHOLAS CAGE. WTF YOU WHORE

Well, clearly you aren’t leaving after 6 minutes, stupid random 4th man

This movie is an hour longer than your crime intends

CAM KNOWS NICOLE KIDMAN

HEY THERE PRETTY CAM

CAMCAMCAM

Nicole Kidman had an AFFAIR WITH CAM

I WOULD TOO

HOTDAMN

DIRTY LADY

Oh…cut back to the daughter…she’s not super important right now

And cut back

Fun

They keep pointing their guns at Nicole Kidman

CAM OMG

CAM DOESN’T WANT NICOLE KIDMAN TO BE KILLED

OMG

…now the daughter is just walking around in her underpants

NO. THAT’S THE GIRL ROBBER.

NOT THE DAUGHTER

WHUPS. MY BAD

WHY THE HELL IS SHE WALKING AROUND IN UNDERPANTS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS CRIMING

Nicholas Cage, they have lots of guns. They are not going to let you go

AHAHA. LOST YOUR STUPID GLASSES

CAM. CAM. OMG.

CAM

CAM LOVES NICOLE KIDMAN.

AND IS NOW REALLY MAD THAT CRIME DUDES 1 AND 2 WANT TO KILL HER

HE’S NOT LOVING THIS

AND IS ABUSING THAT REFRIGERATOR

HE PUNCHED THE REFRIGERATOR

Oh lookie here

A flashback

Cam is so niiice

For a criminal

I NEED TO UNDERSTAND HIS MOTIVATION

I WANT HIM TO BE AWESOME

HE’S SO HOT

GUYS. I FEEL LIKE IM WATCHING AN AU UNFOLD BEFORE MY EYES

HE’S LIKE…HADES AND HOW HE WOULD REACT IF TRISH WAS EVER IN DANGER

IF HADES WERE TO JOIN A CRIME GROUP TO MAKE SURE TRISH WOULDN’T BE HURT

and you know...also kind of a creepy stalker. That bit isn't very Trades...but THE OTHER THINGS

OMG

GUYS

OH LOOK, THE ANGRY REFRIGERATOR GIF THAT WE ALL LOVE

I FOUND IT

Random lady criminal is wearing Nicole Kidman’s dress. Cam got mad

I wouldn’t ask Nicholas Cage if I were that criminal…I’d just cut off his finger and taunt him about it later

Hey look. Another person removed his mask

I can call the ringleader Mustachio.

Then there is Cam

And random lady

And…stilled masked guy can be Masky

Ohp. Daughter is on her way home

Mustachio is creepy

Uhoh

Nicole Kidman got knocked out

THE DAUGHTER IS RUNNING

CAM IS CHASING

GIRLY ROBBER IS RANDOM AGAIN

CAM’S GONNA FIND YOU LITTLE GIRL

LOOK. I WAS RIGHT. HE FOUND YOU.

NEVER TRY RUNNING WHEN THERE IS A CAM IN THE MOVIE

HE WILL FIND YOU

Huh

The criminals are doing this to get a kidney for their mother?

Somehow I think that is a lie

Lol

NICOLE KIDMAN JUST BAMFED

SHE’S GONNA STAB THE GUY IN THE NECK

SHE IS HOLDING MUSTACHIO HOSTAGE

AGAINST THE MEN THAT ARE HOLDING HER HOSTAGE

THAT IS WICKED BADASS

Ohp. Mustachio got free

They opened the safe and there is no money.

Girly Robber just tried to attack Nicole Kidman and Cam lifted her away

Cam just opened the fuck out of a metal briefcase by slamming it against a table repeatedly

He’s so beastly

My god.

Oh look. Not for a kidney

I was right

SUSPICIOUS

WHY DO THEY WANT THE MONEY

Mustachio and Lady Robber are in love?

Masky. Hello. Random entrance

Cam just pulled Nicole Kidman aside and was like “Where’s the money baby? This is for us.”

Cam. Masterfully ducttaping people

Family videos?

Mustachio and Cam power struggle

FLASHBACK

CAM IN A POOL

HOT CAM

IN A POOL

MAKING THE FUCK OUT. MMM.

Oh

Masky took his mask off

What do I call him now?

Lady Robber is smoking some more

Nicholas Cage…constantly talking

MUSTACHIO JUST GOT SMACKED IN THE FACE BY MASKY

OOOH. NICOLE KIDMAN NEARLY GOT SHOT AND CAM WAS NOT APPRECIATIVE

Ohp. Look. Mustachio told Nicholas Cage that Nicole Kidman slept with Cam

DAUGHTER RALLIES

She totally smashed lady robber’s face into a mirror

AND SHOTS FIRED

CAM RUNS TO SAVE DAUGHTER

CUZ NICOLE KIDMAN TOLD HIM TOO

I have absolutely no care in the world about what would happen to Nicholas Cage

LOL Cam, you can’t just talk to the security company and be like “we’ll call you back”

It doesn’t work like that.

STOP BREATHING SO DAMN LOUD

YOU KNOW THAT’S WHAT GETS YOU CAUGHT

LOL.

Nicholas Cage wins for like a second.

Then Cam does

And wins so successfully.

Mustachio caught Nicole Kidman

Oh, btw, she ran off. But has been caught

OW.

SHOT NICHOLAS CAGE IN THE LEG

OW

FUCK

Mustachio is giving them backstory

Story time!

Lady Robber is a stripper

And Mustachio lost a shit ton of drugs

Masky isn’t part of that family

Cam is pacing in a silent sexy manner like he has always done this entire movie

Angry, sexy, silent pacing

Mustachio punched Nicole Kidman

Cam punched him back

And is now really fucking hot

And is apparently psychotic

But I dun curr

Nicole Kidman. Don’t do what you’re doing.

Cam is going to overhear you.

CAM.

JUST SHOT A SECURITY OFFICER.

Shit guys.

Cam is crazy psycho right now

I think he might just shoot everyone

Omg

Nicholas Cage is turning Cam to the light side.

So…that’s why the party was important

So that when the money falls through

The daughter can take crazy robber lady

To the part for some money

Whooo

To save her family

If the daughter doesn’t do something stupid first

She’s doing something stupid

Something so stupid

Omg

YES. CRASH THE CAR WITH ROBBER LADY IN IT AND KILL HER.

THEY WONT NOTICE THAT.

AT ALL.

Daughters are the worst

OHP. MASKY WOKE UP

AND INJURED NICOLE KIDMAN

CAM TO THE RESCUE

Mustachio is kind of just smoking

In the dark

Wtf

OUCH

Masky just lifted Cam

No

And smashed him into the ground

No

Don’t

DON’T STRANGLE HIM

CAM

Oh good.

Mustachio shot Masky

Good

Cam almost died

Ouch

Wait. Cam. You double crossed Mustachio like twice

Don’t do that

Mustachio is trying to suffocate Nicole Kidman

Hey look

They found the money

Mustachio and Cam are now happy and hugged in the middle of their crime

WHOA

DAUGHTER

HOLY SHIT

Mustachio threatened Nicole Kidman

And Cam shot his brother

And now I found the crying gif…

OMG

OMG

OMG

OMG

OMG

OMG

CAM

NICHOLAS CAGE YOU BASTARD

DON’T SET CAM ON FIRE

CAM

STOP BEING DUMB

LEAVE THE MONEY AND GET OUT OF THE DAMN FIRE

OOOOOOW

NICHOLAS CAGE JUST NAILED CAM'S FOOT TO THE GROUND

HE CAN’T ESCAPE

OW

NICOLE KIDMAN…CAME BACK INTO THE FIRE

TO PROTECT NICHOLAS CAGE

No. CAM

CAM is who you protect.

CAM

She’s gonna push him into the fire

Or shoot him

OR HE GRABBED HER

INTO THE FIRE

WHAT THE FUCK

Nicholas Cage shot Cam in the neck

And then Cam fell into the fire

I am displeased

Dammit Nicholas Cage.

Stick to National Treasure next time.