#downitgoes

i made a realization today that my mom mocked and made fun of my stimming when i was younger. like it’s not great to make fun of your child to get them to stop doing something, but to later learn that my habits where stimming and that she mocked me for that? it’s kinda fucked.

it really suck walking around and just thinking about how you want to die or want to be dead. it’s just an added layer of struggle on top of everything else going on. it makes that’s that much harder today. it makes it that much harder to get through the day and to interact with people. and it makes it that much harder to mask.

what the fuck am i even doing with my life. do i even have one? is my life really just work? what do i have to show for myself? what is the fucking point of it all?

when will it be my turn? when will i have my time? my chance to enjoy? i promise to give in return, but when will it be my time to receive that?

do i keep starting relationships with people far away from me for a reason? am i putting myself in these situations because i’m punishing myself? do i feel like i don’t actually deserve to be in a relationship so i’m just torturing myself with something far enough out of reach that i string myself along?

why the fuck do i keep doing this to myself. why do i keep starting relationships with people several hours away. why can’t i find someone in the same fucking town as me. i have two more people in my life now that mean the world to me and i feel lonelier now then i did before.

it’s funny. if i applied the same logic as my family does with my new legal name, then all the women who have married into the family would still be referred to by the maiden names