#double goodbyes

Day Seven Hundred and One

Like MJ and Iman Remember the time When I saw you on the bus you said hello with your eyes Well you did in my mind By the way you probably busy but I’m outside right now I just thought I would try No yeah yeah I saw the poster in July but

First of all, is there even “the one?” And second, it’s your best friend. It’s always something or somebody, I guess, but it really is your best friend. It was him before it was you. The moment I met him I knew there was something. His soul stained my shoulders. My whole life smells like him. It would take time, undoing him from my blood. He took something out of me. I don’t give chances, hell it took me months to give you one. “No one deserves me” were my exact words to you but now I’m giving you a chance and it’s you that shouldn’t be giving me one.

One December night I breathed in and breathed out and with a slight laugh I uttered the words to him “I am in love with you.” I got back “I care about you, too” and the thing was I didn’t even mean it. I don’t know why I’d said it then. All I know for sure is that I don’t know what in love feels like but he’d made me feel something I’ve never felt before. I expected nothing in return but I lied awake that night waiting for him knowing he wouldn’t come. I had every intention to erase him after that.

So I called you and you came and you took any pain I might’ve felt away but it was supposed to be a one time thing. You were the rebound, the one that wanted me first but the one that didn’t get me. I woke the next morning with no regrets and then you called back and you came back and I let you in again, intially letting him back in, too.

I opened the door and he said “so you had to move on to my best friend to get over me.”

Suddenly you became more permanent and I’ve been ok with it.

We don’t talk of it a lot but he comes around often and every now and again he’ll remind me there wasn’t any closure and I opened up a door to a whole new chapter with you.

Suddenly you love me and I love you, too.

Then there’s nights on the beach that him and I sneak away just to talk of what might’ve been if I hadn’t chose this. There wouldn’t have been a lot because he wasn’t ready to settle and he says the only reason I told him I was in love with him was because I already knew it’d push him away and maybe that’s exactly why I did it because I knew I couldn’t have him so I had to let him go, but he’s your best friend that’s the thing. So he hasn’t gone. That’s the hardest part. He walks in our home like it’s his home. He sleeps on the couch some nights, the couch we used to fuck on and you don’t even know that.

He’s your boy but the loyalty lied somewhere else, sometimes it still does.

We don’t talk about it often but when we do I know it hits you in the chest. He’s the only thing that lights the jealousy in your eyes on fire. You can’t believe I chose him over you from the get go.

I’ve learned to love your mousy eyes and the way the blue lights up in the sunshine, the way your facial hair scratches my face if you go a day without shaving and our legs tangled together in bed in the early morning hours.

I’ve learned to love you but he’s the one I’d give it all up for.