#dotthets

"I had a dream that you were mine. I had that dream a thousand times" is how the song begins. I did have that dream, though I believe not as many times.

In it we kissed and a new we took flight, slowly, steadily, unfolding its wings ever so slightly at each beat of our hearts, now in synchronized motion.

I cannot tell you this. I wish not to burden you furthermore. I have done enough unwillingly to upset your universe. Now that I have gained conscience of the dire straits I've put you in, I am, to the best of my abilities, working hard to avoid any more pain upon you. And, selfishly, to bottle up any more dreams, desires or unfounded expectations. And it hurts.

Despite what Cat Stevens/Yusuf sang all those years ago, I don't believe "the first cut is the deepest" when it regards to romance. Simply because time heals all, right? From my own perspective, it does. What really hurts are the futures that never began, the uncorresponded passions, the lives that never were, the paths I didn't travel, the highs and lows that never came.

I am trying hard (believe me) to divert from the path that leads to you. But then we lock gazes and the light that reflects off of you hits me with the power of several stars. Alive and bustling stars. It's so hard to look away, that I fear your face is getting burned onto my retinas.

Then, you utter in your deep radio voice "I am going to miss you!". I cannot muster the words needed to describe the power of the jolt that pierced my body right there and then, from head to toe, toe to head, left to right and right to left.

Then we hugged, your head just below my chin and the anguish of a goodbye that I wish wasn't. I can't put a number on the repetitions that would be needed for it to be palatable. It may tend to infinity, if my math is anything anyone should bestow trust upon.

I wish I was able to swiftly dismiss these feelings and wholeheartedly believe that there is nothing but your empathy shining through. That you don't mean anything more than friendly reminders (albeit as tight as they don't have any reason of being) that we click as any other two kindred spirits in the world.

I confess that I have made big deals out of small gestures of friendship or even simple niceties. I possess that childish ability(?) of mistaking care for love. Particularly when I am already in a state of heightened misconception, brought about by what my parameters of internal and external beauty are.

I am sorry for not being able to hide or quiet how much I like you.

I am sorry for dumping on your shoulders, in these tempestuous times you face, that I am drawn to you. I have no right, and you have no fault. I just couldn't let it go unheard by you. Again, I have no right.

I'm not helping as much as I should. I am, above all else, your friend. I wish peace to be upon you. That you carry on living without experiencing heartbreak nor pain and, in part, I have been the bearer of such troubles.

My desires will go unattended. As they should, for they are mine alone to bear, in spite of any abusive read I may make of any of your gestures, words, smiles, facial expressions or requests. I must not let myself fall in love with you.