#dotfic

About: About you: Have been around in various fandoms for a while, involved to greater or lesser degrees. At the time Supernatural first aired, I was into the DCU (comics and animated) especially the batfamily, and SPN’s themes really pinged for me, plus I’ve always been a fan of horror movies. I wrote my first SPN fic after “Dead in the Water” aired, just to try something new in a different fandom and uh…the next thing I knew I was completely obsessed, it was 8 seasons later, and I’d written a ton of SPN fic, gen, het, and Dean/Castiel. What? Where am I? What happened? I was monofannish for a while with SPN but that’s not really my natural habitat, so I’m mostly multifannish and SPN continues to be a major touchstone for me, the characters continue to move me and hit a strong nerve. I’ve been writing since I was a kid, I’m into lots of different kinds of music, I used to play the piano, I love animation, art (although I don’t draw or paint), and photography, and have a challenging day job I love. How you got into destiel: Kind of like SPN itself, I had no idea what I was getting into and was blindsided. SPN was super secretive about the introduction of angels and how Dean got out of Hell. So that last scene of 4x01, with the roof of the barn nearly blowing off, sparks literally flying everywhere, it was a complete jaw-dropping moment. And this guy in a trenchcoat walks in…right from “you don’t think you deserve to be saved” — I had goosebumps. Ship or not, it was obviously Dean and Castiel were going to be interesting to watch together. I did ship it immediately, although I thought it was going to be an adversarial, frenemies kind of tension and be a rarepair (hahahaha oops). Castiel himself intrigued me right away, but I had no idea how the friendship was going to develop, or how far it would develop, how much they would get to me on an emotional level. What is special about the pairing: Dean was raised in the hunting life, taught that his job was to take care of Sam, watch out for his little brother, that being this projector was his main purpose. I love the brother relationship, but we also have seen how Dean had to grow up too fast, and placed his entire self-worth on being a protector, his father’s blunt instrument, the good soldier. He also has trouble admitting his fears and insecurities. He always watches over others. So to have this new character stride in, stare at Dean like that, right into him, and identify a truth about Dean’s fears about himself, was a powerful moment. Castiel saved Dean, pulled his hurt soul out of Hell, placed it back into his broken body and healed him, and was appointed to watch over him…and then Castiel continued to watch over Dean and Sam even when ordered not to. That struck a chord. Castiel is such a mirror for Dean’s issues—Castiel, like Dean, prides himself on being the good soldier, and on his job as a guardian, and Castiel puts a lot of his self worth into being the protector, fixing things, protecting others. He tells Dean he’s not there to perch on his shoulder, but then spends the next half a decade or so doing that. Dean and Cas both seem to have trouble seeing how they’re valued for who they are, they lose themselves into the job, being the soldier. The blunt instrument and the hammer — they’ve both recognized these things don’t entirely define them, they’ve both acknowledged it, but neither has really shaken off the fears that this is all they’re really good for. Their daddy issues and stubbornness and vulnerabilities and strengths click together. It’s not that they’re two peas in a pod and get along perfectly, although they care for each other, and enjoy each other’s company, they also find each other frustrating. It’s both their similarities and the ways they’re different that makes them fit together, they challenge each other and relate strongly to each other. Along with other issues, Dean and Castiel also can’t seem to recognize the extent that the other one loves and values him, why they’re worth all this trouble. It’s been fascinating watching this relationship grow over the seasons, as I said above, I had no idea how closely entangled they would get emotionally. Dean recognized a kindred spirit in Castiel, despite the species and vast cultural divide, Castiel saw someone he related to and who might understand the doubts he’s struggling with. He comes from a world where doubts were very much not ok to have, but he showed doubts to Dean. They connected as a pair of fellow soldiers, thrown together by forces bigger then themselves, and wound up personally attached. They weren’t supposed to be on the same side, let alone become friends, or care as much as they did. One of the appeals of Dean/Cas for me is that it’s not destiny. Textually, it’s a close friendship like-family bond, but I also see a ton on screen suggestive of romantic yearnings, in the way they look at and respond to each other, body language, in dialogue and the stories. Dean and Cas is one of the relationships on the show that embodies the “family don’t end with blood” theme, it’s an incredible story about friendship—and love however you define it—against impossible odds, but I also think there’s a lot of UST and feelings they don’t address (so typical). It’s a potent mix. Anything about the fandom/destiel/spn: Like SPN fandom as a whole, the Dean/Cas portion of fandom has some of the most talented, friendly, amazing fans. They write fic and meta, create vids and art and crafts, and support charities. Whatever emotions SPN brings out, the fandom seems to zero in and magnify it, highlighting what’s there or making you see things you’ve missed or spinning out what-ifs. I have a lot of thoughts on Dean/Castiel fans within SPN fandom and the challenges as well as the joys of that. It can be frustrating, due to both external and internal pressures, and I think there are a lot of misconceptions, about shippers in general as well as Dean/Castiel fandom and how it really works, as well as how Dean & Castiel work in canon and how that furthered how and why fans ship it.

Destiel Fanfic Highlights: It’s so hard to narrow this down! But here are 3 Dean/Cas fics that have moved me: The Cold of Flesh and Stone [NC-17, 9,600 word count, AO3 link]

Maybe I'm sick of spending Christmas elbow deep inside something's intestines, or standing in a grave somewhere in the freezing cold waiting for bones to burn.

The Cold of Flesh and Stone by entangled_now: Set during season 5, one of my favorite kinds of fics, blending a hunt with sharp, poignant character insights. This has Sam and Dean as a team, how Castiel is becoming a part of that team/family unit, and how Dean and Castiel are getting ever more tangled up in each other emotionally and physically. A geometry for spirits [T, 1,800 word count]

'Angels have their own script,' he murmurs, close against Dean's mouth. Dean trembles against him, for the knowledge or Castiel being so close, Castiel can't say.

A geometry for spirits by aesc: another early Dean/Castiel fic. This could be gen except the sexual tension is so scorching. A must-read take on Castiel’s backstory, and beautifully rendered Dean and Cas dynamics. It captures a lot of the things we saw on screen in S4 (and after, although I believe it was written during S4), both the intensity and the understanding, the kindred spirits who are trying to figure each other out and what makes the other one tick, while liking, admiring, yet being wary of what they see. Respite [T, 700 word count]

Castiel has brought them here because he knows that Dean is tired.

Respite by proxydialogue: Gorgeous, timeless slice of hurt/comfort. It’s both heartachey and comforting, aware of painful history, as well as the love, longing, and how they fit together and need each other.

Self-Written Fanfic Highlights: In a state of imaginary grace [T, 1,000 word count]

Dean's not sure what he meant when he said to Cas in Purgatory, we're going home, except he guesses he meant, in part, this. Coda for 8.07.

The image of Dean with his fingers wrapped tightly around Castiel’s wrist after the reveals about the portal wouldn’t get out of my head, and I’m fascinated by how Castiel gets past some of Dean’s barriers, Dean is willing to show vulnerabilities to him, and how Dean leans on Castiel, while Dean is equally determined not to let Castiel down, to save him. This and that of you [M, 2,400 word count]

"Do you trust me?" Dean said, and when Dean grinned like that, Castiel wondered, again, if he should feel more shame for the choices he'd made.

Part of the syntaxverse, which goes AU after 4x22. I have a thing about Castiel’s tie. Also trust issues, their fears about getting so close, and Castiel dealing with the trauma of slowly falling. Covalent [T, 2,000 word count]

The apocalypse takes a breather, and Dean wants something more than whiskey.