#donutself

I was poisoned so badly. And it took every bit of strength I had to get rid of it. Much like Korra, I felt trapped. I felt weak. I forgot who I was. I forgot I how to love myself. And as much as I care for others, I don’t ever want to poison myself ever again. Someone else gave it to me, but ultimately I was responsible for drinking it.

My personal cures:

- Travelled to beautiful places

-Got back to my roots: Re-establish the things I loved to do: play new pieces, go back to FF and Pokemon, listen to new covers of nostalgic songs, write my feelings out

-Immerse myself in my Art: writing and music

-Watched Studio Ghibli movies and other films to remember how beautiful life can be

-Reconnect with all my loved ones, especially the people I’ve set aside for 2 years

-Met new friends (didn’t expect to meet my boyfriend so soon though!)

-Live in the moment: go out late and have deep conversations over drinks to learn different perspectives

-Went Boxing (my at-least-once-a-week commitment) and lost 10 pounds as a result

-Bought new clothes and make-up while I couldn’t gather the courage to wear the things that might trigger memories. Now, I can wear my old stuff again.

I’m really proud of myself! Oh, life. You’re so weird. But I’m very thankful right now because my bravery got me this far. There’s still so much I’m looking forward to, especially this 2017. Every day is exciting and nothing will ever be the same again, because I came out of it a new person (or rather, a new flavor of donut).

Ezraaa Millerrr!!!! Kidding Pogi Pattycake! I miss you!!! I just wanted to keep my favorite pics of you here in my private blog for lots of strength and guidanceee. Yep, this week is going to be super tough for the both of us.

Always know I love you b! I’m here for you. Thank you for being here for me too. You are my place of comfort even when you’re so far away. But I never felt lonely, not even once. It really hasn’t been that long since we got together, yet you’re everything I wished for and more. You’re just being yourself yet I feel really spoiled. And It’s already August! I believe we’ll make it through, like we decided last May. 💕

I will do my best. And I know adventure awaits!

From piano covers, voice covers, creative writing, orchestra arrangements, to all the things I can share. I will share them with you. Life is happier with cake. :D

“Tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?”

“I’m willing to see beyond the imperfections. I hope you’re like that too.” 

“I’ll make sure you get your appetite back, okay?”

Well, true enough, Jess Glyne’s “Hold My Hand”, the song that got me through the hellish ordeal, now rings true. I’m glad I didn’t lose hope. I’m also down to 120 pounds, the same or even lighter than my graduation weight. 5 more pounds ‘til I hit goal weight, 10 pounds lost in total. 

I wake up in the darkest place imaginable. Blacker than black, emptying itself into vast nothingness. Am I blind? 

I have no idea what will happen to me. But I’m trying so hard to find a light. Where’s the door? Where am I going? Am I stuck here? No one answers. I hear a tiny plea whisper from the ceiling, or was it the corner? Her voice is soft and trembling. 

She whispers, “You can do it. There’s a candle in a drawer somewhere here. All you have to do is light it up - enough to get you past this room.”

 I feel confused and start to cry. There’s hope, but in this massive black hole of a room, it seems unlikely that I’ll ever find it. 

The feeble, familiar voice continued, “Don’t despair. Dear, you don’t remember me, do you?”

I shook my head.

“You’ll remember me soon enough. Just be brave.” 

I can barely hear her now.

“Wait, don’t!” I shouted.

 But she’s gone. She might just be a hallucination from my loneliness.

I journey on to find even the slightest hint of a wall or corner.                      There’s nothing but floor. Sometimes there’s a wet puddle, so I take a sip when I’m thirsty. Thankfully, it’s just plain water.  Sometimes, I even find biscuits to eat. I curl up into a ball and sleep or cry. I scream at the voice too, hoping she’d come back.              Nothing happens. Time passes for sure, but I have no concept of it anymore.

On some days - not sure if they actually are days - I felt energy. It’s my lucky day, I thought.

Yet, the hours keep passing by whether I feel energetic - or not.

Looking at all these developments from the perspective of Donna from last  year, I’d go, “WTF. What happened???”

And also: “Who is Pio? How could Snake do that? Why is your hair still the same length? You listen to weird music.” and etc.

But most importantly, “Why don’t you trust easily anymore? ”

The present would seem strange and foreign. Just like the way French sounds to me. Just like Pio’s curly hair. Just like Wo Qui Non Coin or Ray Gun or the songs that replaced my life soundtrack.

All strangely attractive, but foreign to last year’s version of me. I was so used to being an eternal student, having braces, wishing that Snake wouldn’t work out because he seems unreliable but cancelling those feelings because his effort to be with me blew me away. Pio is his opposite, except that I can share with him much better. It’s like the shift from Japanese to French in this song. It transitioned “seamlessly” on the surface, but I was in shambles, putting on a brave front, before Pio loved me and after Snake betrayed me. The French part is cuter (the song and its meaning for me), but the first part needed to give way to it. I wonder what I’d be like to Pio had Snake never happened. I wanted to be all #yolo and crazy, to kill my usual timid self. Snake said I never took risks, knowing that he was one. So 1st sem, 4th year. I got a couple of my blockmates to go with me to Intersection, part of my Ateneo bucket list. 

When we got there, we ordered food and beer. Some girl threw her shoes at the guy she was fighting with and stormed out. We played beer pong then a guy approaches us and shares stories with us. He said he was surprised that I was not used to the drama, and that I looked like a party type of girl. I came home that night smelling like  I bathed in yosi and beer, even though I didn’t smoke at all. Nothing dramatic happened but I felt elated as I went home, knowing that I was making new memories in new places. I liked the feeling that I pushed for it to happen, going out with my blockies to a place we would never normally eat in. It was new, foreign and strange. I haven’t gone there again though. What I gained from it was the shedding of my shyness and my “scared to ask people for what I want” disposition. This was the way I asked Pio to party with me a couple of months after that. No hinting, “beating around the bush” type of strategies anymore.

I didn’t really analyze WHY I had asked Pio the moment before I did. Now that I think back on it, he was very attractive to me in the same strange and foreign way that I found the experiences above as exciting. Pio is reserved and quiet but I knew he had the spontaneous/adventurous spirit like me. Also, I knew he would be fun to be with since we were both random in a unique category that I can’t identify what exactly. I didn’t overtly plan romance to happen but I think that time, I hoped that we would at least be the very best of friends. That night was easily one of the happiest, most spontaneous night I pushed for to happen. It’s not in me to ask a friend I only knew for 2 months to party with me and be an unfiltered version of myself to, with the senseless blabbing and weird habits. 

Falling in love with Pio is the strangest, most foreign yet beautiful story I have. Yes, I’m aware I’ve used those adjectives again and again but I don’t care. I want to continue the story all the way through. Just like how I picked German for FLC because it sounded alluring to me, when I think about it, even that decision made a big splash. There were a lot of tiny decisions that led to our story, and both of us had a lot of those factors. It’s scary how if one of those minute decisions were different, it would prevent me from meeting and being with him. We met the night following that morning I said goodbye to Snake, which was June 10, 2013, which is, like he said, a plotline for a guilty-pleasure drama series. No idea how important he was going to be to me later on. Cliche but life can sometimes teach us how grand it is by putting so many coincidences together.

Now I can’t wish bad things never happened to me. I think they happen to unveil grander things, like a curtain unveiling a bigger picture while you were focussing on the darkest part of it. And as I learned to take in the Strange New World I live in now, I learned to appreciate and live a life without saying no to character-developing experiences.

...has made me realize I don't want to love anyone romantically anytime soon. I'm tired of applying myself to that word. I'm happy for other peeps who have it. I'm inspired by them actually.

For now that'll be a treasure on the top of the mountain I'm too exhausted to climb. I've missed myself. Sure I felt lonely at times, especially when I don't have that automatic support at the day. Sometimes I felt jealous of my taken friends or I stay away from love songs.

But because of this I learned to support myself on my own. Life is still terrible, but terribly beautiful too.

I took the time to notice today that even with the bad weather, my favorite tinge of blue is ever-present. I walked today around campus alone, listening to music after I saw my friend off. It was a date with myself.

I loved the chill in the air and I relished the fact I was alone. I wished I could walk alone some more.

I've missed them: block mates, friends and myself. I missed the heart-to-hearts, and the way I feel completely free with them sans makeup and proper manners. I'm back to where I belong. I'm Donna without the connection to a significant other. This is the me appreciated in even fragments by my friends, instead of just relying on one main person.