#dontbreath

Anyways, since that ain’t gonna happen, I’m going to have my very own award show… the umm… ‘I’ll Give Whoever, Whatever’ Award Night. Yea I’m allowed to do what I want to, pffffttt, it’s our blog. [Before we actually get the show going, I have to warn you… SPOILER ALERT! ;) ]

PINK

Numberrrr 1!!! [NumeroUnooo!!] First up, in the Bollywood category, we have, ‘Pink’.

Based on three city women, Minal (TaapseePannu), Falak (KirtiKulhari) and Andrea (Andrea Tariang) who are victimized by self-righteous patriarchal dicks who think that treating women the way they want to is a sign of their virility. They make it quite evident that it’s okay for a guy to be tough and warm but for women, it’s a tradeoff, and your whole life depends on what you pick, the way you’re treated or looked at or touched… [It’s a sad reality in our society] The movie starts off with the girls making a getaway, frightened and quite disturbed while somewhere else a man is being rushed off to the hospital with a grievous eye injury. [There is an obvious connection between the two but nothing has been revealed so far!] As the movie progresses we find out that the girls had just attended a rock concert followed by what seemed like an innocent reunion with a couple of guys from school [actually with one guy from school and his friends] but things took a turn for the worse,when the supposed “friends” turned into vicious predators and tried to take advantage of the girls and in the struggle that ensued, one of the men, Rajveer (AngadBedi) was injured by Minal.

The first half of the movie soon escalates into becoming a cat and mouse game where the girls are bearing the brunt of the sadistic male ego in play, with the men trying to get back at the girls for what was their fault to begin with. [They think that the girls need to be “taught a lesson’, claiming that they did what they did, because the girls seemed to be coming on to them.] Hellbent on making their lives miserable, Rajveer and crew try to get them kicked out of their rented house, Falak loses her job, Minal is constantly being followed and threatened and made to feel like she needs to go down on her knees and beg for forgiveness. They even have the audacity to kidnap Minal and cruelly molest her in order to teach her a lesson. The girls literally go to hell and back and it’s sad that there wasn’t  a single good person out there, to help them out. [We get a taste of how money turns the cogs and springs of society and how the rich decide on what the public see, hear or speak]

Three girls are eventually taken to court, based on a false FIR, accused of being prostitutes, Minal is also accused of attempted murder. The “victim”, Rajveer, a privileged Delhi baby brings out all the top guns, buying witnesses, bribing the police [the “harbingers of justice”], getting a hotshot lawyer who is such an asshole and a dick of a sexist that you feel like straight-out cutting off his balls. -_- [Really good acting on the part of Piyush Mishra… We loved to hate him!] When we feel that all hope has been lost, retired lawyer, Deepak Sehgal (Amitabh Bachchan) swoops in as their savior/lawyer.

The movie picks off on a  better note in the second half, we start to feel an affection for the girls and a sense of admiration towards Sehgal, with the calm bravado of Amitabh Bachchan, the way he empathised with them and how he came out to help the girls simply out of the goodness of his heart, his commendable dialogues, the way he brings out the real feminist issues in a rather dry sardonic way which comes out as quite striking.He did complete justice to playing the part of defender of the wronged. Minal, who gave an amazing performance as the tough girl who takes no nonsense from anyone suddenly transitions  into a shattered version of her past self, torn apart by the mockery that they were turning her into and yet again emerging victorious towards the end.

Pink is definitely a film that sticks out,with real raw emotions,where you see a lot of issues like premarital sex being addressed, where questions about virginity are being raised,right under the critical eye of the public, without any blushing or shaming [Indian cinema has come a long way]. Parading your string of lovers or getting a drink or two at the local pub, getting wasted or a guy coming over to your place at night, are all deemed to be completely okay for some special people. [Clearly pointing out that our community considers all these activities to be normal and quite natural when men are involved, but it’s completely wrong and shameful when it’s with women] Consent, is another issue that’s brought out in the movie. When she says NO, it means NO, whether it’s a silent plea in her eyes or her resisting your touch and pushing you away.Pink is a shout out to all you men out there who think that a girl being friendly, clubbing at 3 a.m., exposing her bareness and all that orthodox bullshit makes her seem like she’s asking for it. It’s high time that you change your mindset of what it means to be a nice brown girl.

The movie does have its shortcomings though. An emotional and soft landing for an intense story [makes you wonder if the final verdict would ever be the real case] and horrible acting on the part of Andrea (who was probably offered pity dialogues methinks).

Of course, being a girl of this day and age, I know that the ending was totally scripted in some stoned daze because it was too good to be true. Justice in the face of extreme likeability sexism (where only nice girls get justice dished out to them, nice as in, modest, quiet, fragile, un-opinionated beings) is hard to get because no one’s going to be on your side. Besides,it’s not just the mindset of the law enforcing vultures that has to be changed but that of the society as a whole who still haven’t gotten over what makes a man a man and a woman a woman,definitions they’ve stood by and are too stubborn to give up.This might not happen anytime soon,but a girl can dream can’t she?

Pink is a must watch though, to see the spirit of Falak and Minal, to see how male ego and money slithers into the cracks in society [Unnoticed but lethal], to see the horrific sexist notions our society still has and to ask ourselves,on which side of the great divide do we stand?

P.S. Don’t miss the ending credits, where Amitabh Bachchan does an amazing recital of Tanvir Ghazi’s Pink.

STORKS

Numberrrr 2!!! [Numeroooo Dos!] ‘Storks’ is the new Warner Bros production on the block.

Cuddly,zany and fun filled with many gags along the way… The tale [or tail! Hehe... Get it? Coz with the birds and all… No? I’ll be quiet…] starts off on Stork mountain,the baby making place! (Yea.. No, they don’t believe in the birds and bees story, sex is not a real thing [or at least it doesn’t give you babies],they’re really hush-hush about the whole thing.) Send in a letter to the storks about the baby you want, a fat baby, a smart baby, a baby with super ninja skills maybe or even a baby who hates the pineapple pen apple pen song. (I LOAAAATHE ITT! -_-) Whatever it might be, they never fail to deliver![Except for the one screw up baby delivery by a stork named Jasper who got way too attached to his "package" and failed to deliver the little babe] Yea he botched up the whole thing and all they had left was a rotten business. And that's what brought on Cornerstore.com, an Amazon like behemoth, trusty deliverers of packages.

Sprinkled with funky characters right from the start,from the Orphan Tulip (Katie Crown), the abandoned baby, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the flock, [Junior (Andy Samberg), quite cocky and born to deliver!], Pigeon Toady (Stephen Kramer Glickman), the dude-bro of the workplace [He goes all “What’s up brah?I’m so cool brah!!I’m a pigeon brah!! Check out my girlfriend brah!! Okay faine,I kinda got hooked onto the whole brah thing], the BOSS (Chris Smith), hell-bent on making the package business boom even if it means getting rid of the glitch Orphan Tulip and all other funky brahs (teehee!!).

In an attempt to get her out of the way, Tulip was made chief of the dead ‘Letter Department’ and that's where things started to derail! She messed up…, BIG TIME! All she had to do was to get rid of THE letter, THE letter that would start it all, Nate's (Anton Starkman) letter [The nine year old who craved for some quality time with his work crazy parents and realizing that a baby brother is just the thing he needs! And who better to ask for one than the storks?] Little did he know that they were out of the baby business, little did anyone know that Tulip would actually screw up so ginormously and start the baby machine again! Actually, someone did know,and that someone was not happy! [She means the BOSS!] Junior who was initially supposed to get rid of the "glitch" now had a huge mess to clean up… With taking little baby Diamond Destiny home without letting anyone in on it being the number one priority.[With Tulip’s help of course]

What follows is a series of misadventures [Much like our own] on Tulip's flying machine [Like our Punto], as they bumble along,her neurotic, humpty dumpty self [Hehe humpty dumpty! That’s so you!] and his over confident, goofy one [HEY! -_-].(teehee!)

There's a lot of deadpan humor, some of it may come off as trying too hard but it all depends on what tickles your funny bones. They sure got to me though, especially the wolf pack (voiced by Keegan-Michael Key & Jordan Peele as the Alpha and Beta wolves) and their ingenious wolf submarine, and wolf boat, and wolf bridge...MAAAAAN...PET GOALS:MULTIPURPOSE WOLF PACK!! [a serious must-have] We were HOOKED to the story, logic apart. It was a fun ride and it even had a go at stuff like how important it is for family to be there for each other and how parents need to make the most of the fleeting moments they have with their kids who will soon turn into slouchy,messy,insecure,rude teenagers. [Nate is one of those witty youngsters, who’s dialogues are just too… idk what’s the word… calculated? xP] Some of the characters really got me going,like pigeon Toady,the stoned dude,his weirdness made me laugh and go huh? [Reminded us of someone we knew personally, but for the sanctity of this post, he shall be unnamed] .Orphan Tulip,Junior...yea they're all great...but the wolf pack?? Just WOW!!

The movie ends on a happy note with a lot of family reunions and hugs and self-discoveries… the typical happily-ever-after’s! But it's okay you know…life's deep enough as it is… why over-complicate kids movies with all the moralizing and insight? Right?

SULLY

Numberrrr 3!!! [NumeroooTresss!] (Will you stop that!) So as I was saying… Numberrr 3!!! ‘Sully’!

Sully(Tom Hanks), a decent and down to earth man dealing with the brunt of his decision, the decision that saved the lives of 155 people. [The miracle on the Hudson] Flight 1549, piloted by Captain Chelsey Sullenberger and co-piloted by Jeffrey Skiles (Aaron Eckhart) was in perilous waters, literally, following dual engine failure and the only safe option was landing in the Hudson,a possibility which far from being safe was almost ridiculous.No amount of flight simulations and training had prepared them for this. [With 155 lives on their hands, decisions wouldn’t be as easy as it would have been in a simulator] But they did it! An incredible and successful emergency landing which saved all those lives.

Lives were saved; the city rejoiced and hailed them as their saviours. The movie deftly portrays what makes up a hero… ordinary men leading extraordinary lives? No,it’s just the common man doing his duty. The pilots,the lifeguards,the people of the red cross, the whole city came together to lend a hand,all heroes worth honouring. But soon it becomes quite evident that Sully is going to have a tough time, [Not only dealing with the sudden rush of fame] but also with accusations being thrown at him and Jeff by the douchebags of the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSF) for ditching the flight.[Ditching is the term used for water landing] The media begins to taunt them, questioning their decisions to land in the Hudson. Eventually they themselves are haunted by self-doubt even though they have an entire city backing them up as character witnesses. The movie keeps you a tensed throughout with anticipation and worry creasing your eyebrows with concern for the almost fallen heroes.

It's a lot of ‘what ifs?’ running through everyone’s minds. As to whether something better could have been done, whether Sully really misjudged the entire situation, his whole reputation being "sullied"… and it all comes down to the results of various computer simulations carried out by the NTSF in order to shift the blame of poor judgement to the pilots. [I don’t know why no-one can see that 155 lives were saved and just leave it at that… -_-] The movie has you questioning everything, even though you know that it's going to be okay at the end.

Sully's integrity, impenetrable spirit, and his genuine concern for the lives of the souls on board definitely leave a mark.You find yourself standing up for his blessed self, loathing the self-righteous bastards on the Board and cheering for him when he deftly one ups them. [Sully aptly questions whether any computer simulation or training program could simulate a human’s response to crisis, especially one where many lives were at risk!] Sully is definitely another amazing contribution from Tom Hanks. [A big salute to the man] A definite must watch and a fresh change from the too loud and out there tragic-incident re-enactment movies.

[Can I start the next one?] No-ways braah! [Aww come-on!] Fine but no Spanish! -_- [Done (Y)]

DON’T BREATH

[Numeroooocuatrooo!!! *whispers* ‘Don’t Breathe’…]

[We’ve seen slasher thrillers like Friday the 13th and the Hills have Eyes but Director Fede Alvarez’s Don’t Breathe redefines the genre. Honestly, I had forgotten that I had seen the trailer a few weeks back and expected the typical scares…] With pale faces and stringy hair or demons who-must-not-be-named coz they’re cursed of course but mostly because they always have the MOST complicated names, I mean,take for example Beelzebub,is that BEEL-ZE-BUB??BEEL-ZE’-BUB??BEEL-SI-BUB?? [*quote Wolverine* “That all you got BUB?” xP] Omg!!! My teddy’s name is Buzhubu… but he ain’t demonic...or...is he?? (like chucky???? :O) And it was only after the movie started that it all came back to us.(I really have to shorten my sentences,I think my thoughts kinda drift away like that one time when I was crossing the road and I started thinking about Oswald [the Octopus!] and the way he was always so safe and then about the safetymonitorin Junior High whom I had a crush on and then I thought about slushies… [Wait… what? O.o] mmmm…anywaaaayyyss….)

[The movie starts off on a mellow note with the protagonist, Rocky(Jane Levy) and her pals Alex(Dylan Minette)] who has the hots for Rocky coz that just HAS to be there in every GODDAMN story! [and Money (Daniel Zovatto)] yea, they were too lazy to think up a name so they decided he’d be called something dumb like that! [breaking and entering into some rich dudes crib and making off with valuables (while money squirts “DNA” all over the place) and later cashing it all in. Rocky who has a messed up family has dreams of taking her little sister(Emma Bercovici)away with her and making it big in California… once she makes enough money.]

[Flash forward to what we’ve already seen in the trailer, the young trio find themselves locked inside the house of a blind Army veteran(Stephen Lang)] who seems to have no problem in blowing people's brains all over the bloody wooden floor! His senses are like a hundred times escalated compared to people like me who can’t even make it through a day without bumping into someone [mostly on purpose] or knocking things down, I think I really need helping hands. (teehee!) [You’ll notice a lot of “teehee”s coz Treas be a huge fan of big time YouTuber Ryan Higa AKA nigahiga! (she even dreams of marrying him… *rolls eyes*)]

[Everyone’s LITERALLY holding their breath scared to make a single wrong move. As usual, people die, blood is splattered…] Money is that nitwit from every horror movie with zero survival skills and soon ends up being the one who has his brain splattered almost as soon as they break into the house.

[Alvarez did an amazing job in confining the story to a small two storied house without boring the audience who were constantly dreading that the old fart would get to the two as they made almost-escapes.Then comes the part where we realize that the story runs deeper than the whole “SAW like similarity” with the revelation that there’s supposedly some poor soul being held captive and some sort-of “relevant” back story that goes with it. Shots are fired, (yea the blind old timer goes nuts with guns) followed absolutely disgusting man juice usage…] And suddenly our brains were like “EWWWWWW!! *gag-reflex*Oh!! So this is why this movie was A-rated.” Then our brains kind of went into auto-blur mode... [She’s referring to her brain figuratively… we all know there’s no such thing!] The next thing we know…the duo are making their way to the main door with the keys and we’re all like“Oh!!! Finallllyyy!!! They’re getting out of that hell-hole” [But NO! The old man has decided he isn’t going to go down so easy and finds a gun from imagination sland and shoots Alex!] But they were gonna live happily ever after with the money they stole… [NOOO they aren’t!] He’ll come back again! Pssht... [Nope, two shots to the heart pretty much kills a guy.]

Then it’s pretty much of a one-man one-woman show with Rocky going into ultra-bitch mode and she pushes herself into trying to escape! Does she? Doesn’t she? Did Alex actually die? Does the old fart ever die??For more spoilers please contact Glob. [AKA Me! :D]

[All in all, Don’t Breathe is a thriller nevertheless and provides a new outlook to what the genre has to offer] despite a few plot holes. [You feel terrorized and go all “Don’t breathe, he’s gonna kill ya!!AAAAAARGGHHH!!” to the dumbass sitting next to you at the theatre.] Our verdict… Don’t Breathe is a must-see for the average fan who loves to get a good kick out of horror thrillers. [Good job Alvarez turning the prey into the predator.]

Now coz you guys are really bored…

WHAT? Doggie videos are ADORABBBBLEEEEE!! (teehee!) [I’d sell you out for pizza too xP]

Okay… *clears throat*, it’s time, for the results of the 13th ‘I’ll Give Whoever, Whatever’ Awards, ANNNNDDDD the award goes to, (annoying pause where I ask for audience guesses and I giggle and swish my hair,while the main actors look like they’re gonna pee in their pants while trying to look like they don’t care at all and yada yada yada), duhhhhhhhhhh! STORKSSSSSS (applause and loads of jumping up and down), [Before you go all “What? What are you saying??” Hear us out…]

As amazing and heartstring-pulling and powerful as Sully was, as bold and  loud as Pink was, as chillingly scary and suspenseful as Don’t Breathe was, the unicorn-loving tulle-skirt-wearing little girl in my head is shouting and screaming Storks!Storks! Storks!! [We were back after a long trip and Sully, Pink and Don’t Breathe had us worried, thinking and terrified! What we needed more than anything was to relax and lay-back and laugh a little (or a lot!) And that’s exactly what Storks gave us! And suck it up… It’s our Awards Night xP]

Come on! The wolf pack could form a submarine for godsakes! [It even made submarine sounds!! *BEEP*] I mean that’s even better than what Tom Hanks did,could he have made a plane?The wolf pack could!!

During the whole penguin ambush scene,I was rooting for Orphan Tulip and Junior so much that I was literally on the edge of my seat! Even more than for Don’t Breathe - which just filled me with sheer terror. With Storks I was caught between laughing and holding my breath so I wouldn’t wake up that monstrous crying baby.

The baby even ended up having super ninja skills at the end! If that ain’t girl power, then I don’t know what is! Of course Minal was awesome too, but she didn’t cut the mark. [Ninja Skills RULE!!] Woot-woot!!

Cute baby picture to melt the stone-cold hearts who are totally judging me!!

AWWWWWWW…..SHE TASTES LIKE FLOWERSSSS!! SLURRRRPPP!!!!

Blob and Glob making a run for it while you’re still distracted by that cute ball of pink adorableness! [Adios mi amigos] Sorry for all the spoilers and the cussing and Ashik’s Spanish [es español x)] and anything else for that matter...

But you know what?? I’m not sorry!