ITWON’TWORK

AREYOUSTILLSHOUTING

IGNOREMEIGNOREMEIGNOREMETHISISN’TREALIT’SNOTHAPPENINGIT’SMYBRAINMYEYESHURT

IGNOREMEPLEASE

Alright... so I’m currently taking a small break from the studying that I’m doing today. I don’t know why but I felt like typing my thoughts out. I haven’t done that in so long and I feel like I shouldn’t because... it isn’t really going to fix anything. But if you’re reading to this then... thanks for taking your time to read out something that might turn pointless after writing this and you reading this. But anyways... during the studying, I was starting to feel stressed. And when I’m stressed, comes negative and real thoughts. Real thoughts? Well thoughts about the real world. The thought of how my future will go, how my classes will go, how I’m going to sustain financially during these next couple of days without a job... It just came down washing upon me just now. I had to get it out. Thankfully I’m not feeling super depressed right now. I’ve managed to control my emotions and depression all a bit better. Minus the anxiety, that comes and goes at random times. Fucking woohoo... So... currently I’m studying in college. I’m in my second year, and soon going to my third year of studying. Major in Computer and Networking. It’s been going pretty smoothly. I’m enjoying it. However, it doesn’t stop me from being super stress and anxious over when tests are incoming. I feel like I worry more than I should... or maybe I’m worrying like I should... but anyways, this is a career that I chose to study because I like working with computers, and I have the capacity to work with them. However, my mind has been very conflicting these past months. Well... ever since I was going to admit myself to the university... basically, content creation in general. Ever since as far back as 2009, I’ve been creating YouTube videos. However, only the recent ones are available as I’ve deleted a few in the very far past just to avoid cringe, and I kind of regret it as they were fond memories now. But anyways, recently I’ve been known for making PMVs. (Pony Music Videos). I’ve enjoyed making them as much as I enjoyed the show and the community in general back then. However, things hasn’t been going well trying to make these... at first, I was able to create quite a ton of content back then. No problem. Despite the lack of good performing hardware even (which I’m still dealing with today, more on that later). After my PMV “The Big Black” I... sort of went in a hiatus. A year... 2... yea currently at 2. I’ve made almost nothing of creative content. I was at first dealing with mild depression and anxiety, to the point where I couldn’t function well. I had to be taken to a mental hospital to treat me. After that, I’ve become more stable... but in a emotional level. Not like... personality or dealing with stuffs that I’m currently dealing with.

Currently the lack of content is due to laziness, anxiety, stress and worries. Laziness is the minority, the rest is practically what’s taking up the confidence and motivation out of me. I’m a person who fantasizes alot. Like.. ALOT. And that’s bad I know... Fantasies of me creating something amazing. Ideas that I have lingering in mind and that people could praise and look at and leave positive feedback that they’re enjoying what I make. It makes me happy to think about it. And I imagine making alot of that. However... during my first year in college, I realized that content creation isn’t something I should do as a full time job like I originally wanted... mostly because, creating too much in a small span of time, leaves me stress and unmotivated, out of ideas. I run out of ideas quickly after using them. So I figured that maybe as a hobby... or as a part time job that I would do it no problem. However that’s not the case still. I currently do it on my free time. Is not a job because I barely get any revenue. About 5-10 bucks a day... that’s not really much... it only gives me enough for like monthly subscription on Netflix or what not.

So anyways, at this point you might be thinking. “So you chose to study in university for computer but you seem to be more enthusiastic about content creation” Ehh... is complicated. See, I enjoy both. Not only do I like tinkering with computers, fixing them (at software level), programming, etc. But I also like making stuffs ON the computer. I took this because is seems like a much more stable option for a job then content creating at my house through the internet.  Plus, it serves me as a plan in case if I one day try to do content creation as a job and fail, I can go towards what I study. However, the major that I’m studying in, is what I’m aiming for first. Is my plan A. 

But the whole point that’s stressing me out is... I don’t feel... ready... or capable on taking on anything... I feel weak, I feel like everyone is better then me... the videos that I make. The ideas that I have for content creating, whether it’d be videos, games, music. In a future job dealing with computers, I feel like I’m going to be thrown something that I haven’t dealt with or heard of before but that people are supposed to know and then I get fired. I currently don’t have a job so there’s that other thing. I’m dealing with constant financial crisis. I still live with my mother and little brothers. The financial help that we get, is only enough for paying bills and even then, sometimes is not enough. Trying to get a job here in Puerto Rico is near impossible. There’s almost 0 job opportunities over here, because this island is fucked.

I’ve wanted to save up money to buy stuffs for myself that could help me on content creating and other things that could contribute to my knowledge of computers and electronics. But I can’t... so motivation just goes full down. And without motivation, I feel lazy, an idiot, I feel like everything’s going to bring me down. Is a loop that I get stuffs, since I feel like that whenever I don’t create something. And that’s almost always, because when I try to create, there’s always the lingering thought about financial crisis, failure in university, failure at life itself. One of the options I had for making money is to make a Patreon. I thought about it for so long, I thought maybe it would help me keep myself motivated and prepared, but it always comes around to the “NO”. Reasons being that my current hardware limitations makes it much harder for me to create certain content. Or most... and as I mentioned above, I find it hard to take time to create something, due to procrastination, major worries of my life status, and the feeling that alot of people are better at making what make and that people will frown upon my creation, saying how is bad. How is awful. I’ve had nightmares about it. Is awful. Now I’m not talking about well constructive criticism. Those I understand, and listen to. But is just... well lastly, there’s WAY too many people that already has patreon. What makes people want to donate to me anyways? They either don’t have money, or they already donate someone else on Patreon, so why waste their time on me? My content is garbage compared to the ones that other people make!

I get hopeless, I think that maybe I should just abandon content creation all together. All the ideas I had in mind... blown away into darkness. The “amazing video editor “, “the master of glitches”, “pixel senpai”, names that alot of people has known me and called me for, is gone and will be irrelevant if I do so. They’ll be looking up towards other people that inspires them. I’ll lose friends because I’m not relevant, I don’t fit in their category anymore. And on top of that it makes me feel lazy because I’ve always been an imaginative person. I want to let those ideas out and show them to the world.

So... whether if I do that or not, there’s still the path that is going to be taken with my job as a computer and network installer and repairer. I feel like I might fail miserably sometime soon in the university, or that the fees and bills that I need to pay won’t be paid because of my lack of money that isn’t fully recoverable by the small financial help that I receive. If I manage to make it through... now there’s the time of my life where I have to make all the initiative. Something that I haven’t worked quite well. And moving to the US and trying to find a home or apartment to stay in while I look for a job, and try to see if I can actually FIND a job that suits what I know and what I can do... is going to be tough I know it. I mean... I have some hope that I can do it... but at the same time, worries and anxiety flood in and tell me that I’m not going to make it.

So conflicts of life status, and conflict of trying to make the 2 things that I enjoy is just something that keeps coming back to my head once I get real with my thoughts. I can’t abandon my career for Computer/Networking Installment and Repairment as is something that I’ve enjoyed of learning and working since I like computers. Ever since I was 4. And the fact that it seems like a choice for me to be a stable job in the future... if I manage to go through... But, content creation... I have the choice to abandon it... I can do so... I thought about it so many times. But the fear of doing so pushes me back, even though I’m not making much content at all, I don’t want to fully abandon it. The losing of friends, going back to being a nobody... not being an inspiration nor making people smile... the constant flow of ideas that I get... all getting trapped inside my head.

Is...I feel like crying...

I seriously don’t think any advice I give really helps people. I give helpful, heartfelt tips, and nobody follows them. WHY?? Have you even fucking TRIED?? I show empathy, and I give advice that could eventually help, but NO!

I gave tips like: “Don’t stew on the past”, or “Turn off anons”, maybe even “Ignore those people”. When I say anything like that, I have very good fucking reason for that. I want to try to help achieve any form of personal happiness and comfort, but my advice isn’t followed at all! It’s like some people literally DO want to live in pain!

I know I’m not the “be-all-end-all”, or “the-cure” for jack shit, but PLEASE!

PLEASE!  PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

PLEASE!

FOLLOW MY ADVICE SOMETIME! IT MIGHT HELP!!

It’s hurtful that some people don’t even try to attempt anything I suggest, let alone act like you understand!

I have depression, too! I know the pain it can bring, I know the intense loneliness BECAUSE I’M LIVING IT!

I can’t help if you don’t fucking try to let me!

During periods of anon hate, I suggest anons turned off. “Fuck that, I’m gonna let them pummel me some more!”

During anything else, I’m company just sharing wisdoms that will never be learned.

So what’s the point in trying to help anymore? It’s not like people are going to take me seriously anyway, so why do I still try?

I’m pretty depressed. I’m in a serious funk about where my life is going and when is my life going to mean anything. I’m so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and I don’t know how to stop thinking that…

Insignificant problems I’m currently facing:

1) Freshy in college- 13 years of schooling and still continuing…where’s the fucking finish line?? When can I start living??

2) I’m moving backwards in my job despite working my ass off. I’ve been in that hell hole for years, and I’ve got nothing to show for it…

3) All I do is go to school and work…isn’t college supposed to be fun??

4) My brother gets his first solo flight and everybody and their mother calls; I have a birthday and maybe get two calls…

5) Has insomnia like a motha, but still goes to school and work- still can’t sleep the next night…

6) DUI cop pulls me over for a headlight rather than some drunk asshole…I get a fix-it ticket and have to pay $20 for them to have me drive over there with a new headlight…LIKE NAH, PAY ME $20 IN GAS MONEY AND TIME WASTED!!!! Glad you got your quota…jeeze

7) Still more but complain is dumb because it doesn’t solve anything, but I’m sorta having a pitty party like a dummy…

These problems are so dumb, but I’m trapped!!!! There’s no out for me. I have to work hard because that’s what I was taught to do, that’s what I’ve done since I was 7 (and that isn’t an exaggeration).