#dogsofinternet

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Woke up thinking about Mia and her last moments. That tore me up. It was only about 5 a.m. but... Better to get up and start the usual morning routine. I even made my bed. It's only 11:30 now.

I'm remembering the big mud puddle that happens where the road dead ends and the farmers field begins. Mia never met a mud puddle that she didn't love. I found these photos of her in the cute raincoat. I dressed her up sometimes. She put up with it except for the hood, that was a hard no. Silly girl hated the clean rain, would refuse to go out until she had to.

These photos are from 2021 or 2022, during covid. The lockdown was actually a good time for me. Walks, neighbors, car rides, yard work with my supervisor, watching lots of TV usually with 3 cats ad 1 dog who gave me a small space in the corner of the sofa.

Mia was the perfect dog for me. Beautiful, loving, smart, happy, listened most of the time, love to walk & ride in the car, and had more fans than a Kardashian. I snuffed out the light in her eyes (not by myself of course); I have to find a way to live with that.

I'm upset but not sobbing writing this. That's progress for today. The rain suits my mood.

Meet Daisy a 7 year old rescue who's been with a foster for a few years. She was found as a stray with her collar embedded in the skin on her neck. I met her today, just a meet & greet but the foster lady brought her to-go bag just in case I took her today. Bless her heart, she's a nice enough dog but had only a so-so interest in me and a huge interest in the park. We did spend some time together in the gazabo but there was no spark, no recognition, no feeling that I had to take her with me. She wasn't the right soul looking for mine.

The last few dogs I've had have dropped into my life when I wasn't expecting it & there was a rightness to it. Lucky was the runt of the litter and her owner tried to sell her to my brother-in-law. Lucky got her name because we rescued her, she was sick and hungry. We had her for about 10 years or so, she had a stroke.

I found Princess on the side of the road. People dump animals in the country convinced they can fend for themselves...wrong. The dog that was with her didn't come to me & later was hit by a truck on the highway - so I was told. I named her Princess, my 2nd one, because I promised her she didn't have to be afraid anymore & I would take care of her. I did for 16 years.

After Princess died my sister went into a physical rehab facility and I was lonely. Cats are wonderful but you don't go on walks with them. One day on my way back from seeing my sister I stopped into the animal shelter & found Mia. Her owners turned her in two weeks before saying she ate their chicken eggs and chewed a pair of shoes; she was 2 years old. She didn't like raw eggs and never chewed a pair of my shoes, she recognized quality footwear. I took her on a short walk & we watched the sunset together. I asked if she wanted to come live with me & she gave me a look that said it all, said take me home. The next day I asked my sister, who answered she'd never say no to a dog & off I went to pick her up. Best $50.00 I ever spent. We had 7 years together & our relationship was different, strong and deep. She turned into my ride-or-die emotional support baby girl. We spent Covid together when the world was shut down and we were in our own little world in our small neighborhood.

I cried on the way home today. Daisy wasn't the right fit and all my other beautiful souls are gone. I hate being left behind, hate what if, hate could have/should have, hate might have been, hate feeling like I gave up too soon. Mia loved car rides and went almost everywhere with me, she would wait in the car while I ran into the store for a loaf of bread; everyone knew her. We had such a good time together. My cats have been by my side almost constantly, they know I need support and love. Buddy is laying by my feet right now. Losing Mia has hit me hard, I'm down to a very few people in my life, relatives and friends. That happens when you outlive others so there's good and bad to it. I'm crying again so I'm going to bed with a glass of wine to watch some Hallmark movie, they're all the same. I've got a kagillion of the on my DVR. As Scarlet O'Hara said...tomorrow is another day.

Nothing yet. Went for my med check yesterday and my NP at the mental health office said she was sorry about Mia & changed my meds around a bit upping the dosage on 1 and timing of another. The goal is to keep me as well as possible while I'm going through the miserable rollercoaster stages of grief. I asked for valium but that never works. I did get a referral to a therapist. I haven't seen an actual therapist since 2019/2020 after my sister died. The therapist has, of course, left the company so I have to start all over. Whatever.

I think this photo of Mia is actually her spying on the neighbors. She loved to lay out front and watch the coming and goings of the neighbors. One of her best friends was our postal carrier Anita. During Covid lots of people were home or bored and hanging around outside. Our morning walks could take a long time because everyone wanted to say hello, mostly to Mia who loved everyone & they were her devoted fans.

I had started evaluating & reviewing products for Amazon when Covid hit. So many people were ordering on-line that things went crazy, Amazon outsourced their deliveries to USPS & they were overloaded. One day alone I got 27 packages delivered. Anita usually pulled into the driveway to unload my packages & met Mia. *Chinese shipments were stuck mostly in California at the docks so Amazon found other countries products to promote. The coffee from Vietnam was very good. Unfortunately when things opened up they went right back to cheap Chinese products.* Anita carried dog treats in her truck & Mia had a treat dealer. LOL. Anita fell on an icy patch & was off work for months & we missed her a lot; the entire neighborhood was happy when she came back. She's been off work again and has no idea Mia is dead; if she comes back I'll have to give her the sad news. James with UPS still doesn't know since I'm not getting packages often. He stopped one day just to get a hug from Mia; said he'd had a rough day & that made him feel better. James carried dog treats too.

Anyway, the reason for this Thursday sob blog is yard work. I was doing yard work in the woods in the backyard the day before Mia died. If you don't keep it in check it takes over valuable territory. Mia was out with me sniffing in the woods, eating sticks & eventually asking me to let her into the air conditioned house. The other day I worked in two of the flowerbeds in the front yard and today I deadheaded one of the rosebushes. A little at a time. I run out of energy & pull my back easy since I haven't been out walking or doing work or exercising of any kind. I've gained 5 damn pounds in 2 months. It was just as sad as it could be. Busy work helps keep my mind off how horrid my life has become but working on the rosebush out front had me thinking about Mia being my "supervisor". She should have been in the yard eating a stick & making sure I took frequent breaks. LOL again. The day she died she'd been in the front yard while I got dressed & a neighbor knocked on the door to let me know she'd gotten out. I thanked her & made Mia come inside. No need to tell her Mia wouldn't run away unless you dangled a steak on a stick in her face.

When I told my sad story to the NP she asked what I was doing to cope & I told her I was blogging my emotions. This helps a bit, I get to visit my memories and tell anonymous people - if anyone actually reads my postings - how bad I feel. After a while friends and relatives don't ask & don't want to hear about it anymore. You my internet friends are all I have now. Who knows if I'll see a therapist soon or even at all; three of them are out on maternity leave. Just my luck.

Monday, Monday, can't trust that day Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way On Monday mornin' you gave me no warnin' of what was to be Oh, Monday, Monday, how could you leave and not take me?

Every other day, every other day Every other day of the week is fine, yeah But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes You can find me cryin' all of the time

The Mamas & The Papas had it right. I drove to the community center this morning to get my voucher for the food bank giveaway this Friday. Once a month the official Memphis Food Bank has a giveaway but you have to be signed up, therefore the sign-up to get a voucher. That's a whole 'nother story. Anyway, the 31st of March was a voucher Monday & I took Mia with me. The crowd at this location has become manageable so it it doesn't take long. When I came out I walked Mia to the playground and she sniffed & peed everywhere. It was a new experience for us. By April 10th she was dead. So, today was rough and I thought about Mia so much. I'm teary eyed still. It's a small bit easier now but still raw and unresolved.

I've been so lonely and alone, the cats love me but they're not going on walks or car ride adventures. I took Tracy & we went to a rescue dog meet & greet at a restaurant downtown called Mama's, a cross between a hole in the wall and a yuppy bar. There was live music and the burger was good. The dog I was hoping to see wasn't there. Turns out when her bio said shy it meant scared of her own shadow. I haven't filled out an application to get a face-to-face. Tracy sent me dog photos from Pet Finder and I checked out a couple of dogs. I've filled out paperwork so I can meet them. You have to be vetted before any rescue group will let you see the dog. I'm a little scared to do this, it seems so soon and kinda disrespectful to Mia. Maybe nothing will come of it but at least I'll know if I'm ready to jump back in or not.

I worked in the yard a couple of mornings last week. It's hard this year, I'm out of shape. Pulled my back - of course - and discovered that a glass of Merlot pairs well with cyclobenzaprine. Dangerous to mix but I don't really care as long as the cats are taken care of. I'm tried, hurt, sad, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed. I decided to type up a new med & doctor list - I carry them with me in case a hospital ER needs to know about me. I taped a copy on the kitchen cabinets where you can't miss them. I also typed up one for Buddy about his meds and vet. We're ok if anything happens.

The only good thing - THE ONLY good thing - that's happened in all this mess is my finances have lightened up. I'm still crunching numbers all month but coming up with another $75.00 plus vet visits was scary. I dipped deep into my savings to pay for the emergency vet hospital & all the meds & tests. I won't say how much it was but, it was my vacation to Eastern Europe to see Vienna, Prague, Budapest, Salzburg to hear Mozart's music. I would have gladly managed it for however long I had to but it was worrisome.

I'm going to go blow my nose, wipe my eyes & watch a little bit of TV. I'll try and write something lighter and not so gut wrenching, heart-breaking soon. The cats have taken good care of me but I can tell it's getting to them. Moving from room to room with me is interrupting their naps - plural. Hard to get a full 23 1/2 hours sleep when you have to chase Mom from room to room.

It's the Tuesday after a 3 day holiday weekend. Memorial Day, it was fitting. My sister had a pretty brown-autumnal colored cat named Baby. After Cheryl died in 2019 Baby became mine. She was one of the sweetest cats you'd ever meet. For Memorial Day weekend in 2024 I noticed how skinny she'd gotten, it was hard to spot because she was so fluffy. I was concerned enough to pay the emergency vet fee so off we went. I got an answer of nothing and a bottle of antibiotic. I was trying to get the nasty taste off Baby's tongue when a tooth fell out. A rotten tooth may have been the cause of it all. I got a work-in spot at my vets office on that Tuesday & Dr. Drew didn't have a magic answer either. He said keep her hydrated, yea sure. She died a couple of days later. It was heartbreaking to watch her fade away no matter what i tried. She's been cremated with instructions to be buried with me.

Mia left these footprints on the front porch after one of our rare winter snow events. Memphis doesn't get cold enough for long enough to have a big problem with it. The only true snow ploughs in the city are at the airport. Attachments for trucks are what the city uses.

My best friend, loyal companion and car ride buddy is gone almost 7 weeks now and I'm still torn up. A neighbor, Lynn, stopped me today when I was out & hugged me. Mia was a favorite of hers, she brought Mia treats before she died. We talked about Mia a little bit & I started crying. Covid had so many people home & out in their yards that on our daily walks we met loads of neighbors and Mia made friends with everyone. They knew Mia and I was just the lady that walked her. One neighbor called her a rockstar. When life went back to normal & people went back to work it changed but neighbors still stopped to see Mia. It couldn't happen like that again, it took a lockdown to introduce neighbors & become more than someone you wave to.

Just a heads up...when someone says come pet my dog & get some love it'll make you feel better. It doesn't work like that As much as I love her Shelty she wasn't my own fur baby.