lup: and here we have the gays in their natural habitat.

barry: witness the courting rituals of the male adult corvid. he embellishes himself with shiny objects and bright, flashy gemstones to catch the attention of the adult male feline. an unlikely pair with similar interests, you might say.

lup: those interests being their biological predispositions to love sparkly things, of course. romance cannot have a factor in these intensely physical encounters. they are based off survival and raw sexual compatibility alone.

barry: gross.

lup: you said it, my fellow scientist.

kravitz: can you two please come out from behind the couch? we’re just going somewhere fancy and we want to look nice—

lup: our naturalistic observation has been violated! retreat, doctor bluejeans! retreat!

barry: [ducking behind the couch with his camcorder] retreat!

barry: this week on starblaster unsolved, we investigate the phantom canine, a case that has left us both baffled… and disturbed.

lup: y’know, i really think we could do better with that intro.

barry: you think?

lup: yeah. it feels like we’re ripping something off. anyway! viewers, today doctor bluejeans and i are venturing into the depths of the unknown to try and get some answers to a question that’s haunted us since the start of cycle 24.

barry: everybody knows there are no dogs allowed on the starblaster, but our resident dog lover, magnus burnsides, hasn’t taken this lying down.

lup: for weeks we’ve heard shuffling, what sounds like quote—“muffled barking”—end quote, and spotted magnus sneaking out of his room at odd hours.

barry: we think that somehow, he’s acquired a dog, and today we’re going to find out—because we’re going into the belly of the beast. magnus’s room.

lup: a true terra incognita.

barry: you said it, doctor—uh, the script just says REDACTED?

lup: yeah.

barry: o-kay. anyway, we’re here, live, at magnus’s door. you hear that?

lup: the shuffling.

barry: this unsolved case is about to get solved. you see, that just sounds wrong, y’know? it’s weird—

lup: yeah, yeah, i agree. okay. here we go.

barry: into the maelstrom.

[door opens, the camera fumbles]

barry: OH GOD IT’S ON ME—

lup: holy shit!

barry: I THINK IT’S—[sneezes] IT’S VENOMOUS, LUP, RUN—

lup: barry, it’s—it’s a puppy, it’s fine—

barry: winter is upon us, dear viewers, and that means we have the thrilling opportunity to see the adult male feline in action.

lup: although he fluffs his feathers and plays the role of selfish asshole to his fellows, we can see how he puts together an extravagant meal for his young friend and sets aside only hot pockets for himself.

barry: a truly noble sacrifice.

lup: indeed. observe—he disguises his affection as using his companion for an armrest.

barry: an interesting choice, but i suppose he is wearing heels for a reason.

lup: drag him, my good man.

barry: you see, the adult male pretends to care nothing for his young friend. but watch! his ears perk and twitch as he listens to the young one talk about the latest caleb cleveland novel.

lup: listen closely, now, for he will sigh and exude faux boredom to keep predators from catching onto the fact that he is, in fact, a giant nerd who enjoys angus’s company.

barry: his dedication to the act is remarkable.

lup: truly.

angus: sir, miss lup, you know i can see you behind that plant, right?

oh my god, you’re so right.

lup: we’d like to issue a correction.

barry: we’re pretty ashamed of ourselves.

lup: well—

barry: no, right, you’re right, not ashamed, just—

lup: there was an oversight in our goofing, and as you know, we’re dedicated to bringing you only the highest quality goofs. and for the most part we’re pretty damn spot on. but here’s the thing—

barry: the thing is, we referred to taako as the species felidae when he’s obviously the species herpestidae.

lup: [whispering] it was right in front of us all along, how could i have been so blind?

barry: [whispering] that’s what happens with improv comedy, okay? you just don’t think of some things! it’s okay!

barry: [normal voice] uh, anyway, we have some pretty solid scientific evidence to back up our claim.

lup: if you’ve ever heard those things scream, you know what i’m talking about.

barry: and it explains so much, too—like why i’m afraid of the guy.

lup: [whispering] okay, but—y’know, we’re not really in the wrong here! felidae, herpestidae—they’re both feliformia, it’s an easy mistake to make!

barry: [whispering] what did you—?