This is gonna sound wild but the answer is to NOT do. Every impluse that tells you to DO, only pulls you further away from "I will supply all of your needs."

I remember during 2020 when I was going through the most upsetting time of my life; i told my mentor all about what I was experiencing and what did I need to do in order to get here or there and she told me. . .nothing. She told me you are a human being; not a human doing. Doing is such a distraction. We are always doing. In fact we do so much that we inturn miss so much too.

I'm currently sitting in silence and realizing how much of my internal thoughts I drown out simply by doing noise. sitting with myself in silence is so peaceful. Its so calming. Its so wonderful. Yet I allow so much noise in by DOING.

I read something today that said "what is a hobby you do just because you enjoy it. It's not transactional. And I forgot that writing my innermost thoughts is just that. I'm not monetizing this, because I'm simply being this.

My thoughts were what do I need to DO in order to make the money I need to pay for this and that? Then earlier, I thought about something my ex said when I asked her what did I do that would've caused her to fall in love with me so quickly, to which she responded "what makes you think you had to do something for me to love you?" Even now this brings tears to my eyes, because I have been programmed to feel that I have to always DO in order to recieve anything. Even simple things, because me simply being is not enough. But me being is why she loved me. Me being is why life has worked out. Me being is why I receive the best. Me being is how I got the job that I didnt even look nor apply for. Me being is how I got the friends and opportunities that I got.

During the moments of being was when I received so many unexpected things. And I wonder if the reason why we don't truly experience the power of God is because God only can exist when we chose to Be; not do but Be. How can God showup if we're playing God?

Money is always in the back of my mind because I chose to believe that I have to do something in order to get my bills paid, but what if they weren't getting paid easily because I was deciding to do? What if I allowed me doing or trying to figure out a way to pay them was off the table. That it was not my job. I picked these bills because they are what I wanted; however, how they got paid isn't up to me. It's only up to me if i make it up to me.

I know this sounds insane but this is the divine download I got for my own healing. Being a child that never felt truly taken care of, because I got in the drivers seat to take care of the things outside of me so I never learned how nor had the space to take care of me. And now that I am learning my true needs and how to take care of myself, that is my only job. God has removed everything fimilar from me to get me to focus on myself and all things I love and enjoy. I believe God is willingly to handle the rest if I give it to Him. If I give it to Him.

And the loop is because I am so use to not being taken care of it is hard to trust that He will take care of me.

-an intense cry I just had-

God please teach me how to trust you. Please teach me how to trust you without having to do anything to figure out how to trust you.

Even today I told my friend to say more, but talk less. Everything revolving around doing less. And during this season I've been doing less while trying to fight it by doing more. I've only dipped my toe in the less, while simultaneously doing more because I don't believe that I have the right to do less, but the gag is I do.