#dnff

Keiko’s POV:

The moonlight peaked through the curtain in the window, shining brightly as it lit up the darkened bedroom. Despite the lateness of the hour, Keiko was awake and alert, sitting upright on her bed. It seemed as though sleepless nights were becoming her new normal, more so than before. The thoughts that raced through her head made it hard for her to sleep, no matter how exhausted she was. Her hand mindlessly raked through her disheveled hair as she thought back to the other night with L. That scene kept replaying in her head, over and over again. Although she was alone, she could still feel her cheeks flaming at the thought of his sudden raw confession. 

Embarrassment was something she was unfortunately rather familiar with, something she seemed she couldn’t run away from. Her own awkwardness aside, she honestly wasn’t sure who had been more flustered at the time. It appeared even the world’s greatest detective wasn’t immune to having messy, confusing emotions. 

That’s what flustered Keiko the most; seeing L, who was usually so stone-faced, be vulnerable with her. It was rather jarring. It was rare to see him be open, to admit to his emotions, or rather, admit to even having emotions. Despite this, Keiko believed every word he had said. She suspected that last night was probably the most open he had been in years, or perhaps his entire life. He had been so open, so vulnerable, and dare she say, nervous. 

Keiko had to admit, she was never sure how to deal with L, he had always been a mystery of sorts. It had to be a talent of his, confusing people and making them feel as though he could read their every thought. This was a talent that Keiko did not share. Even with his sudden confession, she still had no idea what he was thinking. It was both a blessing and a curse, something that flip flopped every few minutes. 

Right now, it was a curse, and Keiko was frustrating herself with trying to understand the world’s greatest detective. She found herself once again running through their conversation. It was fresh in her mind from her constant repetition, as if it were evidence of something, as if it would give her any sort of clue. 

“It’s not an ideal time, but, I suppose to be entirely transparent, I have strong feelings for you, Keiko Kagami…in fact, I think it’s safe to say, I’m in love with you…I have been for a while now.”

The world’s greatest detective is…he’s in love with me…?!!

To say Keiko was absolutely stunned would be an understatement. She had been hoping for weeks, months even, that L had felt the same way, that he had also been falling for her, and yet…she found herself at a total loss for words when it had actually happened. 

This was it, the moment she had been waiting for, but still…she realized with embarrassment that she had never prepared for how to react. She was not sure how to react, what to say or what to do. Keiko wasn’t sure what L was looking for, or why exactly he chose now to let those words free. Her heart thumped away in her chest, so loud to her own ears that she was certain that L could hear it, too. The warmth of his hand, which was lightly squeezing her own, brought her back to her current reality. 

As surprising as it seemed, he looked uncertain. There was an earnest, almost anxious expression on his face. For once, it was as though their roles had been reversed. He was the nervous one, or rather, he was also nervous. That was for sure. There he was, his dark eyes staring into her own, as he waited for a response. A word, a subtle movement. Anything. 

Keiko looked him over, unable to hide the shock from her face, eh?! Is he…is he serious…?

His eyes, soft and vulnerable, never left her own. She searched his face for more answers, but found none, only more questions. Her fingers pressed against his own, confirming that he was in fact real; she was really experiencing this, it was not a dream or an illusion. The sudden hand movement got his attention rapt, and she remembered that she still had a voice. Sort of. 

“I-I…” Keiko trailed off. She wasn’t sure where to begin. Or how to even start processing what L had just confessed. “I, um…you…you…really…?”

Wow, Keiko kicked herself, you have a way with words…but is he…?! In love?! With me…?! You mean to tell me…this is real…? Not one of my dumb dreams? 

“I’m sorry.” The great detective’s voice broke through the sudden silence. His gaze was still soft, his voice almost as quiet as hers had been. It seemed he was also at a loss for words, unable to properly respond or react. Keiko supposed this made sense, he was probably just as surprised as she was at himself. Given his behavior and his body language, she could tell that he seemed genuine. There was no snark, no sneaky sarcasm, no monotone. For once, he only seemed to be full of pure, raw emotion. 

It was odd, almost surreal, but Keiko had already established that this wasn’t a dream. For better or for worse, this was real life. This was her life. This was his life on the line. 

Keiko’s heart did a somersault, right…his life is still…very much in danger. 

“I know, Keiko. I know I’m being rather selfish right now…especially given the current circumstances,” L continued, and Keiko realized he had once again read her thoughts. “I’m not being very fair, my life is on the line, and you’ve been trying really hard…pretending really hard, to protect me. I have no right to confess to you like this…therefore, I apologize. Please pretend I didn’t say anything, if you’d like…”

Pretend?! He wants to pretend this never happened?! How? How can I go back to how I was a few minutes ago, it’s impossible. He must know that…right? He must know how crazy that sounds to me, there’s no way he means that, right?!

“L…” Keiko trailed off, unable to figure out the right words to say. She could still feel his fingers holding her own, and she was once again reminded of their close proximity to each other. A surge of electricity coursed through her veins at his touch, and she felt momentarily bold. Bold enough to speak her mind for a second, “I could never pretend…”

She paused, the moment over almost as soon as it began as she found herself speechless again. Staring into his dark eyes and thinking were two things that did not go hand in hand. Although she could not fully express herself in words, she found herself thinking that she could express herself in other ways. Ways that she should not be thinking about, not when she was technically still dating Light Yagami, pretend or not. Despite herself, she glanced over at the detective’s lips, which were entirely within kissing reach. All she wanted to do was lean over and bridge the already increasingly small gap between their bodies. 

Oh no no no no. This is dangerous, Keiko Kagami. Too dangerous. It’s too hard to think clearly like this. Not when he looks so open, so vulnerable, and so kissable like that. You have to be strong, for him. Not kissing him is protecting him, remember? You’re with Light for a reason, as he said…but still…

Keiko needed a moment, or rather, several moments to collect herself. Something she simply could not do while staring into his inviting eyes or his enticing lips. It was taking all of her energy to not give in.

I can’t stay here with him…not like this…not when he’s so close. Not when he’s just confessed to me like that…I’d be too tempted…scratch that, I’m already too tempted…

She figured she should start by removing his hand from hers. Then she would slowly make her escape. However, this proved to be a rather hard feat when he squeezed even tighter onto her own hand. 

“I know we shouldn’t, but…I don’t want you to go…” the detective’s voice was even softer than before, Keiko had to strain to hear it. 

Had he even meant for her to hear? Was he even aware of what he was saying? This was unlike him, and she had a feeling he was holding back just as hard as she was. That thought alone made her heart pound, and she felt torn once more.

“I’m sorry…” Keiko replied, “I…” 

I wasn’t expecting this…? I don’t know what to say anymore…I don’t know how to act or what to do. I don’t know whether to pull away or to give in. But I do know one thing: I love him, too. I’m in love with the world’s greatest detective. Despite the danger, despite Kira, should I tell him that? Doesn’t he already know how I feel? I suppose he does, but it’s one thing to think it and another entirely to hear it, if this conversation is any indication. Should I tell him clearly, like he just told me? 

She let out a soft sigh, nonono. The danger, it’s far too dangerous. You don’t know what it could lead to…well…maybe you do know what it would lead to, but…you really can’t afford to be confessing to the world’s greatest detective right now, let alone thinking about him loving you and what that could potentially lead to. Not when he’s in grave danger. After all, you were going to leave, weren’t you? If the roles are reversed, you should be the strong one this time around, for him…For L. 

“I can’t sta-I mean, er…I shouldn’t stay, even if I wan-if I want- I mean…we shouldn’t…I should go, right?” Her voice was slightly squeaky. If he somehow didn’t know she was nervous before, he definitely knew now. Keiko mentally kicked herself at her words. 

Smooth move, Keiko. Way to go-oh god, he won’t think I’m rejecting him by what I just said, will he? I mean, I guess, technically I am, but I’m not…well, I don’t want to, but…but the situation…and Light-well Kira…I don’t even know anymore…even if I don’t say it, he must know I’m struggling to hold back, right? He surely knows I don’t want to do this, he must…I hope. He must know why I’m doing this…he said it himself a few minutes ago, when he told me to pretend…I hope he knows, at least. Either way, I have to stay firm in my resolve, I can’t let temptation get to me. Not when we’re this close to the end…

The detective, seemingly brought back to reality, let out a little cough as he let go of Keiko’s hand. A move that Keiko was all too familiar with, one that she pulled rather often herself. It was odd to see coming from him, especially when he was usually so sure of himself and his actions. When he usually never second guessed himself or his beliefs. His cool, confident demeanor had momentarily slipped away. 

No way…there’s no way. Is he feeling…awkward?

She wondered once more what he was thinking. Again, she hoped that he didn’t take things the wrong way. She hoped that he could read in between the lines, to read that she wanted nothing more than to stay with him. To be with him. To have what she couldn’t have, especially now when time was not on their side.  

Stay strong, you have to stay strong, Keiko Kagami.

“You’re right,” L’s voice rang out. It was louder now, and it had lost its initial softness, but was still gentle. His eyes gazed into hers as he drew a quick breath, “I don’t know what came over me…”

He’s really…vulnerable right now…he’s not used to letting himself feel, is he? I must be right, this must really be a rare occurrence for him. In fact, I know it’s a rare occurrence…him truly letting his guard down around me…it shows how genuine he’s being right now, how much he truly cares about me…

Keiko felt heartbroken, almost guilty, at her dismissive response. Her heart, which had been soaring mere moments ago, felt as though it had taken a deep plunge. Despite trying to do what she thought was right, what if she had been wrong? Should she have approached the situation in a different way? Without giving in to him, what else could she do? 

Nono, Keiko, it’s all right. As long as he’s alive and well, it’s all right, Keiko tried to reason with herself, it’ll all be okay in the end, anyway. You’re doing this for his benefit, you’re doing this to try and stop Light…

Even so, she felt almost empty. Seeing him raw and emotional like this hurt her. All she wanted to do was lean over and physically show him how much she cared for him. To kiss him, to embrace him, to show him that he wasn’t alone in his feelings. It hurt, logically knowing that doing that would potentially hurt him, which was the last thing she wanted to do. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right. Light Yagami shouldn’t have this much power over her, but Kira was evil. Kira would stop at nothing to see L perish. The thought made Keiko shiver and she had to keep her eyes from watering. She wasn’t sure how she felt, she was so conflicted, and seeing L like this was gnawing at her heart. Keiko averted her eyes, feeling flustered, but this time for different reasons than usual. 

“It’s not your fault, Keiko…” the great detective spoke, as if seeming to realize what Keiko had been thinking. A truly uncanny ability of his once again. However, Keiko was thankful, not embarrassed, at his skills. She swallowed, listening intently as he carried on, seeming more like himself. “I apologize, Keiko Kagami. I shouldn’t have told you that, at least not right now…like I said, it isn’t fair…”

At his words, Keiko felt herself freeze once more, what does he mean by that? ‘At least not right now’? Whatever does he mean? He doesn’t regret telling me, does he? I don’t want him to regret it, not at all, but still…ugh, there’s truly not enough time to process this right now…not enough time to process anything at the moment…

Before she could wonder anymore, L continued on, “you don’t have to give me a response. I understand well enough why, I know you care about me, so please don’t worry…and you’re right, you should go…”

Keiko wasn’t sure whether she should feel upset or relieved at his words. On one hand, he was comforting her. On the other, he was telling her to go. In context, they made sense. Logically, they made sense. They both knew that it was the right thing to do. But her heart…her heart was another matter entirely…even though she knew they couldn’t be together, hearing him tell her to go was not quite how she would’ve wanted his confession to go. 

Before she could process anything else, he pulled his hand away from hers. She immediately missed his warmth, but she knew better than to grab onto him, to hold him despite how much she wanted to. Despite how much she craved it. She let out a breath, trying to collect herself. 

I just…he has to know how I feel, right? She met his eyes once more, and she had the feeling that he had not once looked away from her. 

“L…I’m sorry…I wish…” Keiko trailed off, feeling less bold than she had before. She couldn’t bring herself to finish her sentence. Her heart, which had gone through several ups and downs in the last few minutes, was still pumping strong. She wondered if he could still hear it, if he could hear her, what she wished she could say. 

“You wish things could be different?” the raven haired detective finished for her, a knowing look in his eyes, and the ghost of a smile on his lips. It was almost as though he was back to his old self. It was almost as though this conversation had never even happened. Like he was teasing her as per usual. Almost. It was enough to give Keiko some much needed relief. The guilt within her eased some, and she could let her guard down a little. 

Keiko nodded, “yes.”

More than anything in the whole wide world, yes…I love you, L. I love you, too. If only I could tell you, if only I could show you…but for now, this has to do…

For a moment, Keiko felt her lips slowly curve up into a small. It was both from nerves and from happiness. Despite the awkwardness and bad timing of the current situation, she felt as though she learned quite a lot about the great, raven haired detective. It was bittersweet, the one time he could be honest with her was the time she had to hold herself back. It really was truly unfair, but at least she knew just how he felt about her. No beating around the bush, no more wondering late at night when she should’ve been trying to get some much needed sleep. It was one curiosity she could finally put to rest. It was as good of a confirmation as any. 

So, he’s actually human too. Confirmed, this time…I think. And he’s in love with…me?! I can’t believe it…as confusing as the situation is, as hard as the situation is, it’s still…it’s still enough to warm my heart, to keep me going. Assuming we are able to stop Light at all and let real justice prevail…perhaps…perhaps L and I can revisit this conversation…but for now, I really should get going…before anything else happens between us. 

True to her word, Keiko took a painfully slow step towards the door, towards the hallway. It was difficult to find the motivation to peel herself away from him, especially after his confession, but she knew nothing more could happen between them. As they both had acknowledged several times, it was simply too dangerous.

After what felt like forever, Keiko made it to the door, and was about to open it when she could hear L’s voice calling behind her. It was soft again, something that seemed to be both to her and to himself. Something that nearly made Keiko stop in her tracks. Even though Keiko didn’t stop, she felt like her heart was about to stop. His words tonight were more than enough to make her give in and crumble, but she knew she had to stay strong. 

Even when it was the last thing she wanted to do. His words this time were somehow even more intimate than his previous confession of love.

“I wish things were different, too.”

Keiko bit her lip so hard she nearly drew blood, bringing her back to the present moment once more. Her hand, which had been still raking through her hair, covered her mouth as she winced in pain. Even so, the physical pain seemed like almost nothing compared to the emotional turmoil she was currently facing. Despite mulling over the situation countless times in her mind, she couldn’t decipher what exactly she was thinking or feeling. Or rather, she felt as though she was thinking and feeling too much at one time. There was too much on her mind, too many emotions swirling around inside her. 

It was truly bittersweet, a mixed bag. On one hand, L’s confession had her heart soaring higher than the clouds. It felt so surreal, knowing that the world’s greatest detective loved her, that he was in love with her. It felt almost too good to be true. Keiko no longer had to wonder just what the ever-so-mysterious raven haired man thought about her. 

On the other hand, she had a feeling that this newfound knowledge would make it that much harder for her to pretend. To pretend that everything was normal, well as normal as it could be. To pretend that everything was okay, or as okay as things could be. Even more so, to pretend that she was in love with Light Yagami. Pretend that she was in love with Kira, a monster. Keiko wasn’t sure that she could do it.

But I have to…especially now…

It was a blessing, but also a curse. The world’s greatest detective, the man who could seemingly solve any and every case in the world. He had feelings for her? 

What makes me so special?

It was still so fresh, so random, she would’ve pinched herself to check if it was all a dream had she not just almost bit her lip super hard. It was almost as though her ears had been deceiving her. Had L really said such a thing the other night, or was she just simply hearing what she had wanted to hear? 

Keiko was also starting to wonder things that perhaps she shouldn’t. However, she couldn’t stop herself. Not now. Not when so much had already happened between them. With his confession, she realized that a whole new can of worms had been opened. There were somehow even more questions than answers. 

When? When did he start to feel this way? For how long…? I know he said ‘a while’ but a while is subjective, isn’t it? What exactly is ‘a while’ to a great detective? I wonder, I wonder so much it’s driving me crazy. Just how long has he felt this way, how long has he liked me for exactly…? When did his interest in me turn into love…could it have been around that one night…since then…?

Keiko thought back to the time L and her had suddenly kissed, and felt her face flaming for what felt like the thousandth time that night. It had been a while back, but she still could feel his lips on her own like it was yesterday. 

No no…that couldn’t have been it…right? That so-called ‘mistake’ he had said. That was so long ago…but if not, then when? Keiko thought back, trying to remember all of their interactions, there’s been a lot of times…too many times…that I wondered, just wondered, if he liked me…I felt like I was going insane from frustration, but what if…? Has he truly had feelings for me this whole time?

Keiko sighed, deciding to finally lie down once more on her bed after a yawn had escaped her tired lips. It was far, far too late. There were many thoughts circling around in that head of hers, but she finally felt like perhaps sleep was catching up to her. 

However, she thought as she snuggled into her blankets, if L and I both survive this…then what does this mean…what does this mean for the both of us…? What’ll happen between us once this investigation is over…? Will anything happen…?

L’s POV:

The great raven haired detective sat at his computer chair. Despite the files he had been mindlessly scrolling through, his mind was elsewhere. Or rather, it was on someone else. A certain someone else. A certain Keiko Kagami, the young woman he was in love with. The young woman whom he had just spur-of-the-moment professed his love to the other night.  It was more than enough to send even L, who had always been calm, cool, and collected into a spiral. His normal composure on this particular night had gone out the window. 

L considered himself to be rather intelligent. After all, his entire career was based on being known as the world’s greatest detective, as well as the second and the third, if you included his aliases. This was something he had prided himself on, he knew the what, when, where, why, how, and who of a situation. If he didn’t, he would do everything in his power to find out. It was numbers, it was calculations and deductions. It was facts, having a clear correct answer. Something you could count on to be right, to be factual. He enjoyed a good mystery here and there, something to solve, to keep his mind busy. His job, all things considered, was usually rather easy, the Kira investigation aside.

However, when it came to emotions, L knew he was rather lacking. Emotions, his own feelings, were not facts, they were not something he could research. There was no right answer, there was no wrong answer. Nothing was clear cut. He preferred not to have any emotions in the past, they were messy and not worth the trouble. How he felt, his emotions, were simply something he did not usually try to think about, let alone dwell on for hours or days at a time. 

There were not many moments in L’s life that he felt lost, that he was confused, that he didn’t have a clear cut, right or wrong answer. This was all new to him, his feelings for Keiko Kagami. His love for her, him being in love with anyone at all, was all entirely new territory. It was different, it was almost nerve wracking, it was enough to keep his mind occupied, it was enough to drive him crazy.

He thought back to the other night, “It’s not an ideal time, but, I suppose to be entirely transparent, I have strong feelings for you, Keiko Kagami…in fact, I think it’s safe to say, I’m in love with you…I have been for a while now.”

L’s confession was more than enough to earn him a lifetime of embarrassment, an emotion he was also not too familiar with. Even though Keiko had long since gone to bed, he could still feel the effects of her being around him. Thinking about her alone was enough to make him feel dizzy, but in a good way. There was electricity coursing through him, he could feel his heart pounding, his blood pumping through his body. 

Is this how Keiko normally feels…? I genuinely don’t know how she does it, it still feels like a constant heart attack, being around her…this crush, this love that I feel for her…it’s something, alright. 

The detective knew he should’ve been working on the investigation. After all, his life was still on the line, but he found he couldn’t focus. It wasn’t like there was a lot of new information at the moment to dive through anyway. He was still waiting on new reports from Aiber and Wedy, he had requested more information on the two prosecutors. One of those two men had to be Light’s knew Second Kira, his new killing machine. L had a strong feeling about that, given Light’s beliefs and intelligence. That and his strong sense of justice, his rather twisted strong sense of justice; L supposed a prosecutor would have to feel similar to how Light felt. It was the most likely scenario given the suspect list. Given this, L had decided to focus on those two men, Teru Mikami and Satoru Ishihara. 

L shuffled around in his chair, positioning himself so that he was sitting upright. He had attempted to look through the suspect files in front of him once more to no avail. It was no use. He was still unable to focus. Keiko had stolen most of, if not all, of his attention. He thought back to their previous conversation once more, his sudden outburst. The detective thought about her reaction, how dismissive she was. It pulled on him, tugged on his heart. He knew she had been unable to respond how she wanted. She was limited by circumstances, she was limited by him. By wanting to protect him. It hurt. It hurt him, and he knew it was probably hurting Keiko even more. 

Keiko…confessing to her…I know it was selfish of me…it was more than selfish of me, it was out of line, it was probably more than she could handle, I know that. I know all of that, but…I simply couldn’t stop myself…

The raven haired detective let out a sigh, I’ve been holding back these feelings for so long, days, weeks…perhaps even months…refusing to let myself feel for so long…and now that Watari’s opened my eyes, he’s told me it’s okay to feel…to recognize how I feel…because of that, I couldn’t hold back. I could no longer hold back my feelings for her…I’ve created this mess myself. I’m sorry, Keiko. It turns out intelligence doesn’t mean that you’re smart when it comes to feelings…I’ve learned my own little lesson. Emotions are as illogical as can be, emotions are not like facts. The two rarely, if ever, coexist.

At this thought, the detective let out a small chuckle, no wonder…I mean, I knew feelings clouded your judgement, I see it all the time. I saw it with Keiko and Light for so long, and yet, even I’m not immune. Experiencing this firsthand, it makes me wonder…was I too harsh on her before? I know it’s silly, but this feeling…this loss of control…this anxiety…this hold she has on me…I can’t seem to shake it. Scratch that, I don’t want to shake it. I want Keiko, I want Keiko to be happy. If at all possible, I want Keiko to be happy with me…as selfish as it is. A selfish wish, one the old me would never even consider…

“Ryuzaki-san,” the sudden voice caused L’s head to snap up. He was face to face with the older gentleman, who somehow had a look of both concern and amusement written all over him. Watari had somehow once again snuck up on him, something that used to be quite the feat but was now happening rather frequently. The detective gave a nod of acknowledgement at his sudden companion. 

“Watari-san.”

“You told her how you felt?” his question, which wasn’t really a question, hung in the air between them. L could see the knowing look in his face, the gentle but stern gaze making him feel almost like a small child once again. He found it hard to speak, to admit out loud to him, even if it was Watari he was conversing with. Someone he had known almost all his life. Someone he felt like he could trust. 

“There’s no use dwelling, young master. There is no changing the past. You can only move forward. You know that, right? Especially given the nature of your job, the nature of the investigation.” 

At his words, L gave a slight nod. It was only natural advice. After all, Watari was correct. Life had to carry on. Life would carry on. It had to carry on, especially for him, for the investigation. However, it was Keiko that he was still worried about. His confession, his sudden and ever so selfish confession. He knew she was limited, and yet, he had failed to stop himself. Even more so, L hadn’t wanted to stop himself. 

She has everything to lose, while I have nothing…I know this, how could I have done this to her…? 

“She’s a strong woman, you know,” Watari continued on, a knowing look in his eyes. It was as though L’s mind was being read for once, not the other way around. It was almost enough to make him feel naked. “Give her more credit, she’s made it this far. And now, at least she knows how you feel; she doesn’t have to wonder.”

“But is it worth it?” L questioned before he could stop himself. “Is her knowing how I feel worth it?”

Watari seemed amused, “that’s not the right question, Ryuzaki-san. The question is, do you regret it? Do you regret telling her? Somehow…despite the way things are right now, I don’t think you do.”

At this, the detective paused for a moment. Even with all his thinking over the last few hours, this was something he had not yet considered. 

I feel for her, I feel sorry for her, but overall, do I regret it…? Do I regret finally opening up to Keiko properly? Do I regret letting myself feel for her? Despite everything, despite all the hardships…I wonder…can I truly bring myself to regret it? 

“I told you to live without regrets before…what I said still stands. Live your life without regrets, young master. With this investigation, anything could happen, lots of lives are on the line. If something were to happen, you want to know that you had done all you could until the very end…that being said, I’m sure your confession may have given Kagami-san some peace of mind. No doubt it’s been on her mind for a long time…perhaps it’s better you told her, even if it did take you a while…”

Despite the fact L thought he was being insulted a little there at the end, he found some comfort in the elder gentleman’s words, perhaps…perhaps he’s right. For better or for worse, Keiko now knows how I feel. No more mixed messages, no more accidentally, or purposefully, toying with her…it’s now out in the open, no more secrets. Not with her, not with Keiko. I love her, I’m in love with her, and no matter what, I can’t bring myself to regret confessing to her, Watari is right, it is dangerous, but there’s no changing the past…whatever happens, I’ll try my best and help her, keep her plan in action, keep Light Yagami fooled…and hopefully, we’ll get through this together…