#dnce truthfully

When you first met Seb it was like hitting a brick wall the way he was just suddenly a part of your life. Like he was always meant to be there. He was so funny and kind and genuine. He got you out of your mind and showed you that you were worth more than what you thought you were.

In the beginning, Mondays felt like Fridays. Throughout the day you couldn’t wait to get home to FaceTime with him while he was on the set of his current movie. Having time together was always a challenge. With your own hectic life and him off on location for most of the year, your relationship was mainly phone calls and the occasional off time or set visits. But, you made it work. You were happy together. Happier than you’d been in a long time.

“I miss you,” you whispered to the screen Seb.

He half smiled, “I miss you, too, babe. I’ll be home soon. It’ll be a little longer than I originally thought though. We have a few reshoots to do, but I should be done in about another month.”

“That’s alright,” you said masking your disappointment.

You heard voices in the background calling him.

“I have to go. I’ll call you tonight to say goodnight,” he promised.

“I’ll be waiting,” you half smiled.

Falling in love with him was like jumping onto a speeding train. Loving the way the adrenaline pulsed in your veins knowing that at any moment you could fly off the tracks, but not caring because you were flying every time he told you he loved you. You never thought you could let yourself love someone the way you loved Seb, but it was just so easy to let him in. It was like he had been waiting for the right time to pop into your life and show you how wonderful and spectacular being in love could be.

“You know how hot that motorcycle move was right” you laughed at his reaction, as you sat in the cinema watching Captain America: Civil War with him.

“Why y/n, do you like bad boys?” he smirked. “You are constantly surprising me. Maybe I’ll see if I can borrow a bike from Hemsworth and give you a ride,” he whispered suggestively.

“I love you,” you grinned leaning in to peck his already close lips.

“Love you, too, y/n.”

You don’t really remember when it started. On one of his leave days when you were both watching a movie, with you snuggled up into his side, you thought about life always being like this. As he absentmindedly ran his hand in a circular motion on your hip you realized you were always dreaming of him, always being with you. You loved him so much. Sometimes it felt like you loved him more than he loved you, but you’d push the thought to the back of your mind. Refusing to even consider it.

Then he’d leave again.

When you did fight, it was horrendous. It was messy and ugly and you always felt like a fool afterwards.

“No, of course, I want you to pursue your dreams!” you yelled as tears threatened to spill out of your eyes.

“Then what do you want!” he screamed back as he threw his clothes into the suitcases sprawled across your shared bed. It was just a few hours ago that he held you there. The world didn’t exist then. You wished it still didn’t.

“I don’t want a relationship with my computer, Seb! I want you,” your voice cracked. “I love you. You know that don’t you?”

“I’m not doing this today, y/n. I don’t have time,” he sighed and zipped up his bags. “I have a plane to catch.”

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat and feeling out of place in your own home. You always felt like a school kid begging for his attention and time when he had to leave. He always blamed the bad timing, which you knew wasn’t really his fault. He loved acting and you never wanted him to give it up, but sometimes it was just really hard to deal with not having him here with you more.

You followed him to the front door and watched him silently walk down the drive without turning back. As his taxi pulled away, you let the tears fall, “but I love you.”

You weren’t sure how you’d gotten to this point. His calls became shorter and less often. You felt like you were a bad habit he was trying to quit. You didn’t fight anymore but you weren’t sure if that was a good thing or not. It didn’t feel like a good thing.

When he finally came back, you knew what you had to do. It wasn’t fair to either of you to keep doing this to each other.

“Seb, I…I think it’s time we quit lying to each other,” you said as you poured him and yourself a glass of wine. You remembered when you’d picked out the glasses together on one of your visits to his set in London. You ran your finger around the rim of the glass thinking about what you were about to do. What you were about to give up.

He sorrowfully stared at his own glass, “I’m so sorry. I’m not sure why we keep fighting.” He looked down ashamed at the truth you two had been avoiding for far to long. 
“It isn’t fair to you. You are the kindest, most loving person I have ever known. I didn’t want us to end like this.” He hung his head in his hands. “I didn’t want us to end.”

“Seb, the fact that we can sit here and make this decision together…I wouldn’t have known for sure that I could survive this if it weren’t for you. You helped me see that I’m more than what others think of me. That being in love is scary as hell, but it’s also one of the best feelings in the world. The me you first met would’ve been a shattered mess on the floor for months, but you taught me how to be strong.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be more for you. I wanted to be so bad, but…”

“But we just don’t fit anymore.” You finished for him.

“Can you ever forgive me for leading you on?”

“Seb, you didn’t lead me on. We were happy and in love for a while, we just lost our way in the end.”

“I’ll be there for you if you ever need anything,” he reached for your hand across the counter. “I love you.”

His sad eyes met yours as your tears began to fall, “But speaking truthfully, I love you more than you love me.”