#dmaorg

Promise me this

if I lose to myself

you won't mourn a day

the sky cracks open and god himself will reach his fucking arm through just to force you down

It's been a while since I've written anything. Seeing as my thoughts are too scattered to sleep, why not write them.

Trench seems quieter now; emptier, somehow. It's strange how the lack of one person can do that to a place so vast and full of life, as if even the world out here is waiting for Clancy's return.

Camp is the same as it's always been: bonfires, music, conversation, laughter. Even then, I can't quite bring myself to join in, and it seems neither can Torchbearer. He's always been the quiet, more serious type, always keeping busy, but I know this time is different: he blames himself for what happened. I'd be lying if I said i didn't blame myself as well. He even kept a bit of antler, now tied to his torch that goes untouched these days. I have a small piece as well, though mine hangs from my belt. I think we have it for the same reasons: as a reminder and a promise. He also keeps Clancy's instrument in his tent with a yellow flower placed on top of it, waiting for the day he can return it to its owner and hear those songs again. As much as I want to ask to play it, just to hear its sound again, I know he'd never let me. I understand why.

From time to time, one of us will find the other at the cliffs and join in silence, sometimes words aren't needed to understand. Despite everything, I think that's what made us become closer friends: this shared weight, even though he caries much more than me. He's known Clancy longer than I have, he's seen and felt more than he lets on. But I can see it in the way he counts heads as he looks around the camp, and the tension that hasn't left him since the battle.

My other friends have helped keep me busy as well. Zed is always asking me to keep him company while he works, while Athem and Zeik always find new tasks for me to help with. It keeps me busy during the day, but sometimes at night, my gaze shifts from the stars above, to Dema in the distance.

I have no real intentions of going back to Dema, but even though Torchbearer has explained these cycles to me, and how Clancy is still out there, I find myself wanting to see him again despite knowing he is no longer Clancy. Maybe my mind will forever find some reason to go back. First Teagan, now Nova.

But for now, I'll follow Torchbearer's lead and wait for the signal of smoke in the distance.