#dj fails

We all love to listen to free radio music online while working and covertly fist pump to the latest banger from Tiesto or Guetta, but if you've bothered to press your ears hard enough, you would have noticed that nearly every new release sounds like a clone of the ones released before it.

If your interests venture even a little into music of the booty-swinging nature, you would know that SHM were finishing their farewell tour after disbanding. Unfortunately, no one told them that EDM completed its farewell tour the very day they teamed up.

  Ever since Tiesto turned to the dark side by sharing the stage with the always atrocious and ever slutterific Paris Hilton, it’s been a downward spiral for most hardcore Trance and House music fans into the realm of alcoholism, burning of previous Tiesto-signed T-shirts and taking tearful cold showers trying to wipe out the memory of “The Greatest DJ of All Time” from their heads.

After spending this Saturday night at one of the more premier clubs of my city in complete sobriety, I felt as out of place as Ace Ventura in a Sherlock Holmes movie and would’ve preferred to fill in for a bouncer position for a night and get paid for my auditory harassment.

Unfortunately for me, my dancing compatriots were all too happy to relent to the resident DJ’s barrage of generic tracks, out of place track order, crappy transitions and other forms of ear fuckery. I do understand the fact that DJing is much like a musical conversation rather than just a live performance and it’s important for a DJ to identify with what the majority of the audience is there to dance to; however, there’s a fine line between doing your best to create a dance frenzy and in allowing a talentless walking factory of STD’s to handle your hardware just to tickle the nuts of the Mainstream Gods.

Well, if you are an aspiring DJ who has what it takes to sell out your soul for top dollar, then all you need to do is follow these 4 simple steps to get there.

1. Pre-record set with 10 David Guetta songs, 3 Rihanna Songs, 5 David Guetta ft. Rihanna songs, 4 Pitbull songs, shitty remix of nostalgic 90’s song, 25 remixes of Don’t You Worry Child.

2. Press play and throw yo hands up in the ay-er like u juz don’t cay-er!

3. ???????