#distant yelling

he didn't like these days to put it in short terms. he felt that he couldn't control anything that was going on. sure, being an idol meant that they could barely do anything for themselves, but at least they could think during their decisions and answer questions with their own personality. thats how bts did it anyway. he didn't know if the other idol groups were like that or not. quite frankly, he didn't care. he just wanted to feel something, anything. anything except this cold nothingness that had wrapped itself around his mind.

perhaps he could feel something. feel himself slipping away from reality and truth. right back into the times of when he hadn't an ounce of self-appreciation.

he wasn't quite sure which one he preferred.

days of quiet crying that had evolved into loud sobs and screams filled his head. days of so much doubt and fear, he had cut everyone off. he no longer believed in what anyone said. he couldn't hear the words of truth that his closest spoke. everything they said was guaranteed to be a lie, he told himself. he was never quite sure what they were lying about, what they were trying to say. he threw every social interaction away and blocked off any other possibilities of any more.

"why can't you get your ass out of bed?" he remembered his mother shouting at him through the door that had been locked for two weeks straight. he remembered the loud hitting against the door that sounded too much like thunder. he remembered the profanities his mother yelled at him, begging him to get out of his room and just do something.

he would not move.

weeks had grown into months where he would not speak with anyone. his voice became unused. his eyes ran out of tears. his cheeks had sunken in, his ribs horribly visible despite his wardrobe of too-big hoodies and sweaters.

he recalled the pattern of his ceiling very well. he memorized every indent and crack, every stain that made it through their roof. the color of a quickly fading grey was what set his mind at ease before the thoughts started again.

now here he was, a well-known korean idol. he had long since left those memories behind. at least, he'd like to think so. most days he was much too busy to even consider those times. but occasionally, they still managed to sneak into his brain and slow the pace of everything he did.

his motivation would drop tremendously. he'd have to force himself to follow through with the choreography, making countless mistakes while doing so. his mind was always fogged on those days, and he spoke less than he usually would. tears would never fall, no, but he would surely break down by the time he had hidden himself away in his studio, completely abandoning the dorm that held his beloved bandmates.

none of them usually came. they didn't want to face min suga. they didn't know how he'd react and if he'd even tell them what happened. he was not one of verbally expressing feelings or emotions.

usually.

of course, though, as he hid himself underneath a quilt jin had given every member, he couldn't hear the tapping on his studio door.

if anything, it strengthened the haunting memories. the recollection of his mother's vigorous knocking seemed to match that of the gentle rapping against his door according to his muddled brain.

he caved in on himself even more, his heartbeat quickening. his eyes squeezed shut as he pulled his knees up to his chest.

the quiet creaking of the door opening went unnoticed, too lost in his own mind. he did not hear the soft footsteps that nervously stepped towards the lump underneath the blanket that was him.

"yoongi hyung?" the gentle voice of jimin asked, his voice soft and patient. "are you awake?"

yoongi's brain came to a screeching halt as he slowly began to register that there was another human being there. jimin of all people, too. the anxiety of his boyfriend seeing him like this only increased his trembling. it was to the point where the whole blanket was shaking because of the body underneath it.

he told himself to stop it, to be a decent role model for jimin. not some pathetic crybaby that would lose all respect.

but his thinking went on too long, and the vibration of the quilt told jimin that something was wrong.

"yoongi? hyung?' he timidly stepped closer, staring down at the covered body, "what's wrong? it's okay." of course, he didn't know if it would be or not, but his goal was to comfort yoongi.

the concern and worry of the busan boy's voice caught yoongi off guard. it didn't matter how many times jimin would say or do something kind, he simply wasn't used to it. he wasn't sure if he ever would. but once more, questions and what if's swiftly filled up his brain and chased away any hope of getting out of his episode.

with another lack of response, jimin slowly laid a hand on where he guessed yoongi's back was. after doing so, the body stilled in surprise. but with newfound confidence, he rubbed his back in soothing circles. gradually, yoongi's trembled subsided.

without realizing it, he leaned into jimin's warmth. he had yet to get out of the comfort of his blanket, but the vocalist was a step ahead of him. which was to be expected considering how discombobulated everything was to the daegu man.

with slow and gentle movements, as if dealing with a cat, jimin managed to haul the other's body into his lap. yoongi wasn't complaining. after all, it was warm and it smelled nice... the thought of it being jimin he was laying against had yet to register.

with yoongi wrapped securely in a cocoon, jimin began to slip off the fabric of the quilt to see what was wrong with his hyung.

jimin's eyes saddened when he saw his face.

dark circles had formed underneath his eyes, tear tracks exposed on his pale cheeks. his hair was a mess of black strands, showing how it had been tousled with repeatedly. his nose was red and and lips were chapped with dried blood from where yoongi had chewed them too much. but the most terrible thing was the almost inaudible whimpers escaping his throat as his eyes were squeezed together much too tight.

jimin cradled yoongi's cheek, watching as he subconsciously leaned into it. he wiped away the tears with his thumb, kissing the rapper's forehead.

"yoongi, baby, what's wrong?" he murmured, taking on the protective boyfriend role now that he knew his yoongi was upset. when he saw the latter suck in a breath, he brought the other's head into his neck wordlessly. "you're okay now."

the words spoke with so much sincerity that yoongi found himself believing them. he felt the cold of his thoughts slowly begin to dwindle as he breathed in the scent of jimin, his warmth relaxing his mind and body.

"jimin," was all yoongi managed to hoarsely breathe out, clinging onto him and hiding his face into his neck even more.

"what is it, baby? what's the matter?" jimin asked in concern, even more so at the broken tone the other spoke in. this was probably the most vulnerable the great min suga had been to anyone.

"i-i'm sorry," yoongi's voice broke at the last syllable, sobs threatening to fall out of his mouth. "i-i was a mess t-today," he stuttered out, voice practically a tremor as he held jimin tighter. "m-my dep-depression--" he couldn't continue due to the sudden sob that ripped out of his chest.

jimin held his yoongi tighter, rocking them back and forth.

"shh, it's okay," he whispered soothingly into his ear, "don't apologize for something you can't control, darling. is there anything i can do?"

"just...hold me," yoongi said softly, breathing shakily. "please."

jimin nodded, not questioning the sudden desperation for skinship and comfort. he wasn't complaining, but he also wished it wasn't because of these circumstances.

"you're beautiful, you know that?" he murmured into yoongi's ear as he continued to rock them both back and forth in a careful rhythm. "i love how your eyes sparkle when you get excited, and how you fidget a lot when you get impatient or nervous. jin hyung always tells you to stop but we know he doesn't really expect you to." jimin laughs a little at that.

he continues to praise yoongi and tell of stories fondly, his steady rocking never diminishing. it isn't until yoongi is completely relaxed in his embrace does he gently slide a piece of stray hair behind his ear.

"you've won the war, baby," he murmurs proudly, and a smile stretches across yoongi's face as sleep gradually takes him.