Schooly-type babble
Because in the end, as it turns out, as much as I would prefer to abandon tumblr on principle, for some reason this is a good platform for me to freewrite and just sort of spill my brain somewhere. I may end up using pieces of things I babble here in my dissertation, even.
Turns out I’m doing an “intuitive inquiry” style dissertation. Which, of course, is the model I know the LEAST about and am the least comfortable with. But, it stands to reason that the things I resist the hardest are often the things I need to do. This topic has chased me, and I originally wanted to do a heuristic/phenomenological blend... which this is, evidently. But somehow it feels so, so much more overwhelming. How the fuck do I explain “lenses”? How do I identify mine?
At least I know what I’m doing. How to gather the people, though... I’m exploring the lived experience of bringing together a cohesive/integrated self after surviving intimate partner violence during emerging adulthood.... Cohesive. Not integrated. Integrated suggests a disintegration as a given, which... isn’t necessarily wrong, but I think diffused/fused/cohesive fits better. It’s also slightly less suggestive of pathology. While there is absolutely pathology in the experience of self/personality-diffusion, it’s less extreme than the idea of self-disintegration. Yes. Okay. Also, “integrated” suggests that the process is finished, which I’m not sure is ever the case so long as we are alive and learning. So we’re keeping emerging adulthood, intimate partner... I’d prefer to use “abuse,” but more articles reference “violence,” and include emotional abuse in the violence. I’d prefer to focus on psychological abuse. I mean, it is my dissertation and my verbiage is gonna win...
And with that, I got a “please have your to-do list for therapy notes completed by tomorrow evening” text from my supervisor. We’re gonna go work on that now... *Sigh* Why do I always want to do exactly everything except what I should be doing?
