He's gotten used to washing himself with wash cloths and a basin of water, but his hair feels gross and there's spots he still can't reach.
He's too prideful to ask for help.
He just wants to feel the water rain down on him and wash it all away. Wash away the dirt and grime. The blood. The pain.
His wounds are crusted over with scabs and there are staples in his skin. He's pale. So pale he can see his veins, and his brain plays tricks on him.
Maybe that thing is still there. Black ink yet to be flushed out. Laying dormant. Ready to infect him again when he least expects it.
He wants to wash it all away.
When Billy steps into the shower, he's barely got his hand on the nob when his vision gets spotty. Dizzy. He catches himself, sliding down the wall before he passes out.
He comes to within seconds, but he can't push himself up. He reaches a hand out weakly but it's no use. Can't turn on the shower. Can't get up.
He sits there for what feels like hours. It will be a while until Steve comes home from work. Maybe he will just sleep there.
He feels pathetic, unable to move without effort. Drifts off to sleep, despite the cool tiles on his naked skin chilling him.
"Hey," Steve gently shakes him, "Billy. Wake up."
Billy stirs, a shiver seizing him.
"Are you okay?"
Billy begins to sob.
"I just want to be clean."
"Oh, baby..."
Steve pulls Billy into his arms, careful still of his exposed stitches and staples despite the doctor insisting they were fine.
Steve strips down to nothing, and helps Billy stand. He turns on the shower and holds Billy up as best as he can.
The warm spray of the water feels divine. Billy opens his mouth and takes a deep breath of the humid air, lungs opening up.
Steve instructs Billy to hold onto the wall. Billy closes his eyes as Steve's fingers work through his hair and scalp, lathering and rinsing.
He washes Billy's back... and lower, between his thighs.
They've seen each other naked plenty of times, but Billy is embarrassed nonetheless that this is what it has come to. Steve doesn't seem to mind.
Steve helps Billy out of the shower and into a towel, sitting him on a stool while he finishes showering himself.
"I'm sorry"
"It's okay"
"I wanted to do it myself"
"It's okay"
"I can't -"
"It's okay"
It's not okay, though. When he's not there, Steve is stressed. Worried. This is exactly the kind of thing he thinks about all day.
Billy falling.
Apart.
Steve kisses his forehead and helps him get dressed in warm pajamas. They settle into bed, and he tries to think about what he can do.
"I've got something to show you," Steve says to Billy a couple days later.
Billy grunts in reply, lazily spooning cereal in his mouth at the breakfast table.
"C'mere"
Steve guides him to the bathroom with a hand on his back, and opens the door. Billy stands there for a minute. Confused.
Steve opens the shower door.
Inside is a plastic shower chair and hand rails installed into the wall. Billy doesn't move. Doesn't say anything.
Steve scratches his head, hand on his hip. Nervous.
"This... for me?"
"Uh, yeah..."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Billy wipes a tear from his face and sniffs.
"Yeah," Billy nods.
He grasps Steve's face, kissing his lips. Steve's hands move up his side tentatively, deepening the kiss but afraid to hurt him.
Billy grabs his arm. Encourages him to hold him tighter.
"You're not gonna break me," Billy says between a kiss, "You're never gonna break me"
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HC: Post Starcourt Billy adopts a therapy dog- a pitbull named Scorpion. Billy calls him "Scorp" for short.
Scorp is a very nervous dog who usually doesn't go up to people, but he immediately goes right up to Billy, who's sitting down, and rests a paw on his knee.
Scorp was abandoned on July 4th, and he hates fireworks, so when Independence Day comes around, he and Billy cuddle together on the couch watching whatever's on TV. They calm each other down. Billy pets Scorp, and Steve holds Billy's hand.
Scorp is very overprotective of Billy.
Billy can't walk him for long- his heart is weak, and he's still going to rehab to strengthen his arms and legs. He can't move as fast anymore, plus he's got a portable oxygen tank to lug around. Scorp doesn't tug or rush him, though.
If Billy tries walking for more than his body can withstand, Scorp will bark at him, turn around, and point his nose in the direction of home, a safe place they share with Steve and his service dog, Lola (Steve has a peanut allergy).
Scorp adores Lola, and Max's seeing eye dog Rex. The jury is still out on Steve, but he's warming up to him.
After he’s released from the hospital, Billy spends a lot of time sleeping. He falls asleep easily during the day, and he only wakes in the middle of the night if his pain medication has worn out. Steve can tell when that happens because Billy will start whimpering, especially after trying to get himself up to take more pain medication. That’s when Steve will turn on a light to go grab his bottle of pills and a glass of water. He’ll help Billy sit up and fluff up Billy’s pillow while he’s at it. Then as soon as Billy’s medicated and tucked in, he’s out like the bedside lamp Steve turns off next to him. The problem is that Steve is not great at falling back asleep once he’s awake. He can’t resent Billy for needing it, but he’s exhausted, too, and he’s got to get up early to bring Robin to school and get to work and- and-!
It just never ends, and Steve finds himself awake all night until dawn. When he gets home from work the next day, Billy asks if he can sit with him on the couch. Steve sighs. He’s got dinner to prepare. He should probably do some laundry. But Billy’s got this soft look on his face and he can’t say no to that. Steve sits down next to Billy, the TV at a low volume, and Billy leans his whole body weight on Steve’s shoulder. The quiet inhale exhale and rise and fall of Billy chest signifies that he’s fallen asleep again. Steve shifts so they’re a bit more comfortable, laying himself down with Billy on top of him like a weighted blanket. Steve tries to think about what it is he had to do before he sat down, but nothing comes to mind. His eyelids feel heavy and Billy feels warm and Steve feels himself drift off.
It would make quite a cute photo, which is exactly what Robin says to Jonathan when he joins her and Nancy in dropping off food to Steve and Billy’s apartment. Robin has a spare key, and they periodically do this as a thank you for saving our lives kind of thing for Billy and a please slow down and take care of yourself thing for Steve. Jonathan does snap a photo before they leave after much begging from the girls, hoping neither Billy nor Steve get too upset by it. Months later they get a copy of the photo for their anniversary - Sleeping Beauties ‘86. In it, Steve’s drooling and Billy’s face is smooshed against Steve’s chest. It’s embarrassing but sweet, and Steve will treasure it as a reminder of the best nap he ever had.
When you are in recovery from a severe accident, sometimes hospitals will transfer you to a nursing home facility. So what if Billy ends up there after surviving The Mindflayer, and all the old people dote on him. What if they call him a handsome young man. He would fit right in because old people are cranky and blunt and they love to gossip. Just imagine Billy going for his daily walk with Gladys and Ethel talking shit about Beatrice for stealing Ethel’s man back in 1940 and Billy is like wow what a bitch.
Billy walks with a limp, periodically clutching his side from phantom pains. His brain is broken. Confused. He jumps at the hand on his shoulder, and he's pulled miles away out of his body.
"Hey."
The sidewalk lengthens into a tunnel, moving under his feet. The sound reverberates off its imaginary walls before reaching his ears. When it processes in his head he comes back to himself.
"Hey, man."
The man in baggy jeans and a tattered jacket asks for spare change. Billy doesn't know where he is or how he got there. He just couldn't be wherever he was before.
Billy looks around trying to get his bearings, scratching his chest under his shirt making it ride up to reveal the raised scars on his sides. He whines in frustration limping as he paces.
"Damn, those look bad. What war'dya fight? Though you look pretty young. I'm a veteran myself. Yup..."
War?
He was marching towards death. The sparks of the fire were raining down on him stinging his bruised and broken body. Sharp grotesque teeth sank into his muscles like a hundred hot knives...
War.
A kick to the ribs. Blacking out on the kitchen floor. Neil screaming at him for coming back intoxicated. He brought her home, didn't he? He completed his mission. He was... locked in his room.
How long has he been a prisoner?
War.
He went to bed shaken. The bruise on his mother's cheek was still fresh when she kissed him goodnight for the last time. He wet himself, but there was no one to help him clean up in the morning.
Billy shakes the memories from his head. What war'dya fight? A monster. His father. His mother. Himself. A monster, his father to his mother to himself. He feels sick.
A car pulls up. A man steps out, panic evident on his face. He hands the veteran some cash. Approaches carefully, but he's vibrating out of his skin with his own distress.
There you are - I've been looking all over. I was worried - Billy, what the hell?!
Billy flinches. The tone shifts. His face softens.
Let's get you home, okay?
Home. He would like to go home, but even when he's home he's there. The mall burning down around him. The kitchen floor. His wet bed. He can't escape it, but he gets into the man's car anyway.
Billy is buckled in.
The man's hand rests on his knee. He comes back to himself as they drive silently. The tears begin to fall and he covers his face with his jean jacket sleeve. His hand grips the one on his knee. Tight.
Honey, we can't keep doing this.
I'm sorry.
We need to get you some help. You can't live like this.
Billy nods.
Their hands intertwine. He kisses Billy's fingers.
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Billy pulling up to the grocery store parking lot on Saturdays every summer to show off his fixed up Camaro to other car buffs. He's got before and after pictures that he likes to show off because he's proud of his work.
He explains he was in a car wreck, which isn't false but obviously not the whole story. Then people don't ask "what happened" to him, because he is visibly disabled and he does drive with a handicap plate now that he's not ashamed of.
Folks compliment his work, and he's even got a few job offers that way. He considers it, but explains that he's limited in the hours he can work without pain or struggle. One garage hires him, though, to work on cars periodically when he's up to it.
Billy really enjoys this. He meets new people. People who don't judge him for his disability. So many car people have their own stories to tell. It makes Billy feel normal and accepted, and he can learn from older car folks in the process.
When Billy is hospitalized, the nurses attending to Billy notice his heart races when Neil comes to visit. He gets tense. Short of breath. The monitors beep like crazy. Then Neil gets mad, talking about how Billy’s not getting any better and he’ll have him transferred to another facility if this keeps up. Neil gives them bad vibes, because he just talks about Billy like he’s property. What Billy wants or needs to get better doesn’t seem to matter to him. He just wants Billy out of the hospital as soon as possible, but Billy can’t speak up about why and the abuse hasn’t fully come to light yet and maybe Neil’s paranoia that Billy is slipping through his fingers is growing. Still, they coordinate planned disruptions during Neil’s visits. Sorry, Billy’s got physical therapy now. Sorry, Billy needs to take his meds and rest now. Sorry, we have to change his bandages now. Just anything to make Neil go away, and in doing so Billy calms down which tells them all they need to know.
Billy would probably feel abandoned by everyone had he survived Starcourt, but what hurts the most about it would be the way people avoid talking about it. They don’t acknowledge what they did or didn’t do before Billy nearly died. They act like it was all necessary to stop The Mindflayer, and Billy can’t be around them when they feel like talking about it. When they talk about the Upside Down and it’s creatures and the crazy, scary shit they’ve fought off or Vecna or whatever… he just has to leave the room, because no one ever ever considers what it felt like the whole time. Like, they realize he’s pretty messed up from it all but they don’t consider how messed up he is emotionally just from not having a single person on his side. Again.
Yeah, he stood up to The Mindflayer which was “badass” and they use his heroism as a way into their circle, but that doesn’t change the fact that they were going to find any way they could to put him down and as guilty as he feels about all the death and destruction (that wasn’t his fault) it still hurts. It hurts like when his mother left. It hurts like when he called and she stopped answering. None of them understand how alone he feels, and how much help he needs. They take his fierce independence and unwillingness to ask for help to be just Billy’s stubbornness but the reality is that he doesn’t trust anyone to help him and they prove that to him by not being there when he does need help. He just feels angry and alone and internalizes that no one will ever protect him.
It’s not intentional on anyone’s part. They just don’t get it, and Billy fears that if he advocates for himself then all his past misdeeds will be used against him which is what happens when you’re surviving abuse. Maybe Billy goes silent when people joke around him, or hides away in his room when people come over, or slams the door when he’s overwhelmed, and people will say “what’s his problem?” or “what did I do?” or “some things never change” but they don’t understand that on the other side of the door he’s reliving every single moment of those few days he was possessed and he just needs someone to care. He just needs someone to acknowledge his pain, and stop acting like everything’s okay now. He just needs someone to say he didn’t deserve it - he deserved to be helped, and he was let down.
