#dirk blocker

Our movie begins with the darling little girl, Carol Anne, talking to the static on the TV. Very creepy. Family life tries to continue as normal but Carol Anne keeps communicating with the “TV People” finally telling us that they are “here” which was a terrifying thing to say in the middle of the night. While just going about her normal day, Mama Diane discovers that the furniture in the kitchen moves around all by itself somehow. Then suddenly during a thunderstorm the son, Robbie, is grabbed out the window by the scary tree! Oh, no! While Papa Steven goes to try to help his son (followed by Diane) they forget about Carol Anne who is actively being sucked into the closet! Oh, no! Again! Poor Carol Anne is sucked into the closet and disappears! They get a paranormal gang to come over and investigate the happenings at the house but mostly to just find their daughter! They are able to speak to Carol Anne through the TV which is just about as odd as anything else going on in their wacky house of horrors.

The paranormal expert, Dr. Lesh, thinks we might be dealing with a Poltergeist, something that attaches to people instead of places. The paranormal group stays the night and one of the guys has a hallucination that his face falls to pieces. It is really rather gross and pretty upsetting for the gentleman it happens to. Next they get this really intense footage of a brilliant ghost or ghosts coming down the stairs, making a grand entrance. After this they send away Robbie and his dog to grandma’s house (the elder sister had already peaced out to a friend's house, I think, she is largely absent from this film). Things are looking a little dire in the home but Dr. Lesh is trying to calm down Diane. Steve however is being informed by his boss, the boss for the job that got him the house, that the house is built on a moved cemetery. That might explain why there is so much unrest at their location. Dr. Lesh brings in a medium to feel out the house. 

Our adorable, little medium explains that Carol Anne is alive in the house but that the dead things are attracted to her living spirit basically. So, it is the plot of Insidious but good? Also there is a terrible evil presence in there with Carol Anne as well, so, James Wan totally just watched this and then puked out Insidious. After the medium explains what to do, they talk to Carol Anne a little more and then it is time to deal with the portal. The portal is in the closet and it is this intense swirling blue light that explodes with light and sound when they throw stuff into it. The portal also seems to empty out into the living room for some reason but I guess that is a good thing for them. Diane ends up having to go through the portal to get Carol Anne, she comes out a whole mess (and before that Steve pulls the rope too early and a whole huge skeleton face pops out The Evil Dead style? I was not prepared for it at least. Either way Diane and Carol Anne come out of the portal covered in cherry pie filling and it is pretty yucky looking. 

Next they are moving out of the house (even though the medium says the house is now clean). Diane has grey hair at her temples from the experience but it looks pretty cool honestly. Too bad she dyes it back almost immediately. Anyway, the kids are trying to sleep that night but the clown doll has other plans, it comes alive and starts to go for young Robbie! While that is happening Diane is being levitated onto the ceiling by an invisible force while she is completely helpless to stop it or help her kids! When she is finally released she runs into the hallway to find an impossible specter that is blocking her path! She runs outside to try and get help but she slips and falls into the pool which now has skeletal bodies floating in it. YUCK. (You think this inspired that scene from Abigail?) Ew, I know that they are fake boney boys but I would hate to be her doing that scene. YUCK. 

At this point the ground is just exploding with coffins that are (of course) filled with heavily decayed dead people. Steven gets home but a coffin bars him from entering his own home and getting to his family. Steven figures out that his boss never actually moved the cemetery proper, he just moved the headstones and left the bodies behind then built the houses on top. What a businessman. God forbid you need to do a little digging in your backyard. Somehow the whole family is able to escape in a car and drive away while the house slowly eats itself and vanishes into a small patch of light. When the family gets to a motel the first thing they do is roll the TV set outside, they will not be sleeping with it in their room (a very nice touch).