how do you explain to people that you wan't to care, but you just can't.
like, about everything.
every day, i'm putting 100% of my energy into barely being able to function, and over time that total energy level feels like it's falling off a cliff.
i've realised that i only really have two moods. one is when i'm doing something with friends or whatever, where i'm not alone with my thoughts, and for those brief moments my existence feels like less of a chore, then there's the other 99% of the time where i'll just sit here, accidentally ignoring everyone in my life, where i'm haunted by the hopes and dreams of a person who simply doesn't exist anymore.
and i must be really fucking good at hiding it, because none of my friends reach out to me and ask how i'm doing. and i don't wanna text them with how i'm feeling because it's unfair to drop it on them like that, they won't be able to do anything about it, they'll just feel bad because they've been made aware for a fleeting moment how i feel all the fucking time.
even then, i feel like i can't really talk to anyone because I know what they'll say. they'll offer a seemingly novel way of dealing with it. newsflash: FUCKING KNOW how to deal with it. i've been through enough counselling, but that doesn't fucking work when you just don't want to. sometimes you do, when you're in one of those proactive moods, but when it's nearly 2 am, you're out of energy, but not tired enough to sleep, so you're just lying in bed with your own thoughts, you don't have the fucking energy to be proactive.
so they'll tell me what to do, which i've heard before, and it won't go anywhere.
it's what people refer to as the depression blanket, i think. you know life's better outside of it, but you're under it at the moment and it's "comfy"
i wish i could fall asleep convinced that tomorrow will be a better day. it won't be. in 24 hours i'll be here, again, feeling exactly how i feel now, just slightly more worn down by it than i currently am.
