#dindril

Why does life it do? Nonsense aside, today was yet another day. Riveting. 

I discovered E3 just happened, Monster Hunter X is coming out very soon, Persona 5 is slated for September, and I’m still stuck in prison, unable to play any of them. It hurts to sit here and watch the world go by, while I have no way of participating. Just watching from behind the wall, watching, watching, ever watching. Never getting to step beyond that wall. How much will I miss? Moments I’ll never get back. I can go back and play the games I missed, but there will still be a huge list of things I’ll never get another chance to do. This quickly made me very sad. I first intended to just talk about games, but it took a turn. Boiling hatred and frozen sadness form together to create a cacophony of depression and instability. Combine that with the fact that I’m still missing meds, and you get the pile of shit that is my mind at the moment.

Guess who didn’t get pills tonight ~ I never heard pill line get called, so despite getting my meds this morning, I still missed another dose. Headaaaaaches!! This isn’t fun. Like, at all. I wish they’d just give me the prescription so I could take them on my own. Due to how much people try to sell medications in here, they don’t let people have the medications in their possession. Very few are you allowed to hold onto. I love how much I’m punished because of shit other people did.

Hatred regarding that aside, I have many more things to be pissed about. Like still not having my money, having troubles talking to family, crippling depression, constant threats, slow shipping, broken shit, shitty beds, the developing numbness in my fingertips, the mysterious bruises I’m getting on my legs, my severance from the outside world, the knowledge that my crime will mark me forever, my growing social anxiety (I tried to call someone earlier, and the moment it started ringing, I suddenly felt scared and started whispering “don’t pick up, don’t pick up”), etc., etc, etc; the list goes on. Missing all these meds is not doing any favors for my general mood or tolerance of bullshit. 

I almost forgot to write today! Oops! Now I’m stuck writing this entry in the dark, using the small amount of light from outside. I got caught up reading a manga called “The Drops of God”. Forest — one of the people I talk to here — had the first four volumes checked out from the library, and had them sitting out on our table today because they were due back and we were supposed to have library today. While waiting, I picked up the first volume, and now I’m halfway through volume 3. For some reason we didn’t get library today, so they’ll likely have to be returned tomorrow. I’ll transfer any I haven’t finished to my name, and see what more they have. It looks to be a long series, so I hope they have a bunch more of it. It’d be a pain to have to make someone buy them for me.

So a C/O threatened to infract everyone who gets evening pills in my unit because she didn’t realize they never called the normal evening pill line and got butthurt when we were heading to the late one. “Why didn’t you go earlier?” Because it wasn’t called! Now get out of our way before we all grieve you and make you lose your job, along with the person who failed to call the normal pill line. The rage burns hot within me.

I also managed to miss pill line again this morning, so if I had missed this one due to that C/O, I’d likely had spent the whole night in a furious rage, or maybe in the hole. The pills act as a mood stabilizer, so the more I miss, the more my emotions are amplified. Thus, if someone actively prevents me from getting my medication while I’ve already missed a dose or two, I’d likely get violent. I really don’t want that, but I know I absolutely need this medication for, you know, living. Interfering with that when I’m unstable gives my unstable emotions a target and a motive. I don’t like fighting, in fact I quite hate it, and I don’t pretend to justify fighting even in that situation. I’m just stating that when I miss the doses, my emotions sometimes freak the fuck out, and I’m prone to acting without thought.

“Everything is falling apart! It’s like a metaphor for my life!”

The days are so tiresome. It’s just day after day of simply making sure I sleep, eat, and take my medications. I have to stand for count before dinner, and make sure people don’t hate me. My cellie makes it damn hard to read during count by being irritatingly noisy, and is aggrivatingly insulting. The contempt grows more and more every day. He also acts a bit too much like a self-centered punk who loves to be a total asshole, then insults and threatens anyone who doesn’t take it. I’m kinda waiting for the day he pisses off the wrong person and take a heaping helping of pain to his face. He really doesn’t seem to realize what he’s doing.

“Senpai loves me, this I know - for my knife here tells me so.”

I got one of my books today. Finally I can read Call of Cthulhu. I shall learn the story that spawned the ever popular tentacle-faced god-tier waifu. Did y’all know there’s an anime that turns a ton of H.P. Lovecraft creatures into anime girls? I haven’t watched it yet, but I kinda want to, out of curiosity. I’ve seen enough pictures of the characters by very skilled artists to be curious. Besides, I already watched a show about the devil becoming human and working at McDonalds and having to compete with the evil forces of KFC. Weird concepts like that tend to draw me in quite easily.

I have a nickname now, it seems. I am apparently the retarded guy from Family Guy who flails around, because I apparently do the arm flail perfectly, plus I like to act extremely stupid. It’s both a gift and a curse. I also broke Kid today. I don’t remember what I said, but he laughed so hard he fell out of his seat. I felt quite accomplished. I also accumulated a good amount of muffins today. The cereal today was Toasty O’s, which is basically shitty Cheerios, and I still have 5 from last time we got them, but the muffin today was the best muffin. The ones with butterscotch in them. So damn tasty.

Today I realized again that I shouldn’t be here. I stated I wanted counseling in situations where that should have been documented for court. During my sentencing, the Judge claimed I said I didn’t. That means likely one of two cases occurred: Either he didn’t bother to read all the documentation, or he was flat-out lying. In either case, e did something he was not legally allowed to do. As such, a mistrial should be called, and all charges would be dropped. I’d still go to counseling, of my own volition. As I said, I wanted counseling, and regardless of the ruling, I was going to do it anyway. So with my grandmother on board to help cover legal fees, we may finally have a chance to win my freedom. I ain’t gonna celebrate yet — things always seem to turn to shit — but I can hope.

On a separate note, There’s apparently a Touhou fangame releasing in the US in two months, and it’s releasing alongside a special edition Touhou PS4. I need it. Right stat now. Hope was helping me look for more of the music I like on Amazon when she found it. The commercial was in English and it had an ESRB “This game is not yet rated” at the beginning of the commercial, so yeah, it’s releasing in America (ESRB is specifically American.)

Well I finally had my orientation here. Now some things have opened up to me. Not much of interest, but I can sign up to maybe take care of dogs. It’d have to wait a fuckton of time before they might hire me, but dogs. There’s also a program for public speaking I signed up for. It’s not mandatory that I attend after signing up and it sounds fun, so I put in my signup sheet. It’ll take a bit to be accepted, but it’d be nice. Maybe. I keep thinking things will be nice, but it goes bad every time. For instance, I’m in prison. 

The kiosk finally works again. I have nothing new on it, but it feels nice to finally be able to check. Hopefully I’ll be notified of new visitors soon. I want people to visit me. I’d like that quite a lot. Through the JPay kiosk you can also do video visits, so I could potentially talk to Hope, which would also be nice.

I’m taking a long time to write this entry. I keep talking to my cellie about Game Grumps. I’m such a nerd! Whoo! But he was finding it funny, so all is good. I wanna watch more Game Grumps and finish Dark Souls III.