#digressions

I’d like to preface this by saying that this isn’t really about Adam Driver, but more of an outpouring of thoughts and feelings towards fame and why so many people want it. I recently graduated university and will soon be starting my first job in the ‘real world’. My job is nothing to do with acting, nor does it have any way of making me rich and famous. This fact has caused me to deep dive into despair over the fact that I am not famous, and probably never will be.

The Adam Driver part of this comes from a Fan Fiction story I read a month ago, after I discovered how amazingly written a selection of stories based around the Star Wars characters ‘Rey’ and ‘Kylo Ren/Ben’ are, of which Driver plays the latter. Fan Fiction can be a bit of a cesspool at times; however, it is a guilty pleasure. Anyway, I read a story where Rey was a clothes designer to the stars, and Kylo Ren/Ben was a famous actor who she designed. I won’t go into detail about the story, but they of course ended up together engaged and happy, after some initial drama. It is not a new formula, and I have read similar stories hundreds of times. However, this story stuck with me. This version of Rey was a relatively normal girl just doing a job she loved – she was not initially rich or famous, just a ‘normal’ person. Upon entering her relationship with the famous actor she became known, and discussed things such as the Oscars with her famous now-fiancé. When I finished the story I felt surprisingly melancholic, so I went on a drive to a park and thought about why I was upset but this story which was good, but perhaps shouldn’t have caused such a reaction in me. I realised that it bummed me out because I would never be that Rey character, I would never meet and fall in love with this character based around Adam Driver, and I would probably never marry him. But why would I? I don’t know Adam Driver, and though I am sure he is lovely, I am confident that he is very happy with his wife and family. So, why am I still bothered?

I realised that it wasn’t some infatuation with Adam Driver that was getting me down – it was the fact that I am not famous enough to have the opportunity to meet a person like him. Of course, one doesn’t need to be famous to meet a famous person, but it definitely makes it easier. Now, I have developed a complex with the actor Adam Driver, through no fault of his own. Whenever I see him online or in a film I am reminded of my inability to have the same opportunities as him or be as famous as him. More annoyingly, whenever I see an actor in a film that he is in, I relate this complex to them and am reminded once more! (For example, Lady Gaga is in the new House of Gucci film – which looks fantastic – however, she stars opposite Driver, and now when I see her it all comes back to me). It is starting to become a little dramatic.

This led me to another question – why would I want to be famous? I have a lovely life surrounded by great friends and family, opportunities related to my passions, and a positive-looking future. Additionally, I value my privacy, something which celebrities often seem bereft of due to the demanding and insidious nature of social media and paparazzi (this word reminded me of Lady Gaga, which reminded me of Driver – it’s hard to escape this cycle). Sure, being rich must be nice, and it must be great to provide for your family easily, but it takes hard work to get there, I’m sure. I’m not a particularly gifted actor, and I don’t really want to make the sacrifices needed to become an Oscar-winning actor either. My career in amateur acting came to a slow end after an unsuccessful audition at a drama school in London. So, if I can make these conclusions, surely this should quell my sudden desire to become famous enough to meet Adam Driver, right?

Wrong. I cannot seem to escape this complex. I find myself trying to think of ways I can become famous on the sly, whilst progressing through my everyday job. Dreams of a famous agent seeing me on the street and stopping me, because I look like the perfect person to cast in some blockbuster movie, and of course they don’t need to audition me – they can already tell I’ll be perfect! However, this sounds like the plot for another Fan Fiction story, which is what got me into this trouble in the first place.

I know that I am not the only person in the world who feels this compulsion to be famous and walk the red carpets but feels like I lack the opportunities (and if I’m being honest, talent) to get there. This reminder does make me feel better, along with the fact that the majority of people in the world are not famous and are very happy. I am reminded of a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke, from the book of hours, which states “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final”. I hope that one day this feeling will slowly fizzle away, so I can appreciate the accomplishments that I do make in life, even if they probably won’t involve being famous and meeting Adam Driver on the red carpet.