#difficult parent

When a parent who hurt you dies, everyone expects you to fall apart in the normal way. Casseroles. Cards. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

But your grief isn't the normal kind. It's tangled. It has relief in it. And guilt for the relief. And anger that you never got the apology. And a small, terrible part of you that is somehow lonelier now than it was before.

This is real. It's called complicated grief, or disenfranchised grief, and it's well-researched. The problem is, almost nobody writes about it for the people actually living through it.

We made a printable companion for exactly this. Warm, honest, non-judgemental. For when the parent who hurt you dies and your grief looks nothing like anyone else's at the funeral.

You are not broken. This is a known shape of grief. You are allowed to feel all of it.

97 % of 3 years old have capabilities for a genius.

To keep this level you have to run away from the people who behave while with other people, so they can use their mass behavior to reprimand you, because this hurts your feelings. What they can`t see or don`t want to use more energy to see through is, that those people only behave in groups while left alone with you, they listen to an inner voice that broke them ( weaker self) long time ago and the result is that they hurt you feelings.

So run away from people who behave only with third persons, while disrespect you left alone. They escape from being themselfs everyday, because of being overwhelmed and want ever recognize it. They used to this level of responsibility as their comfort zone.

An easy indicator is reading belletristic. Age appropriete it will saturate your hunger for imaginative advanture and build a big expierience to react right in any kind of situations and discussions, arguments. If somebody isn`t reacting at all, or reaping without embracing your argument. The brain of your opponent doesn`t know how to process books and like to do other, more practical stuff. But find out how proud he, she is not to read at all. And obey to this attitude, gain your research.

Otherwise the flood of feelings produced by mixing with this people will destroy your natural notice taking system, that make you a genius otherwise, or at least your memory would be much more like an eidetic one.

What's your mom's relationship with him? I don't mean like are they married or whatever but like is she on good terms with him? Can she talk to him without these explosive episodes? If so, I think it would be wise to bring up the subject to her and she can either talk to him in your place or give you pointers on how to talk to him. A lot of times you can communicate to a complicated parent through a parent and that usually works because you get to confide in one of them as well. 

But I would treat your father the same way you would treat any difficult person. Be direct and be honest. Don't pull back because he's your father. I understand that there is a level of respect you must give him because he's your father but that doesn't grant him the right to say and do whatever he wants. If a friend is being immature, you'd call them out on it and you tell them how you feel and what you'd like them to change in a very neutral but determined manner. Your diction should be used carefully as well. You want to appear mature and well versed in what you're trying to say so be prepared when you know you're going to confront your father. 

Here are eight tips for dealing with difficult people at work.

1.   Don’t get dragged down—The old saying is “Misery loves company.” The most important thing is to be aware of who the Debbie and David Downers are in your company and to make sure they don’t suck you into their world of negativity.  Keep your guard up!

2.   Listen—It’s tempting to just tune these people out, but this rarely stops them. If anything, they’ll talk and argue more forcefully because they’ll think nobody cares about them. The best thing to do is to use good, normal active listening techniques, as you would for anyone else.

3.   Use a time limit for venting—Remember that there is a difference between being a perpetual pessimist and having an occasional need to vent. Everybody has tough times, and sharing our feelings can make us feel better. Use the “5-minute rule” when it comes to this. Let your colleague vent for five minutes, but after that, assume that he’s entered Downer mode, and proceed with the next steps.

4.   Don’t agree—It’s tempting to try to appease Debbie Downer to make him or her stop and go away. As the person complains about benefits or the boss or whatever, you might be inclined to give a little nod of your head or a quiet “yeah” or shrug a “what can we do?” Even though these responses seem harmless, they just throw fuel on the flames.

5.   Don’t stay silent—If you are clearly listening but say nothing, Debbie Downer will interpret your silence as agreement. Worse, if others are present, they too will assume that you agree. Whether the complaint is about the boss or the benefits or the client, silence means you agree with the complainer.

6.   Do switch extremes into facts—Negative people often speak in extreme terms that match their worldviews. They talk about “never” and “always.” Your first goal is to switch them to fact-based statements.

Negative Ned: Andy is such a slacker! He’s never on time for our morning meetings. How are we supposed to hit our deadlines when he’s never here?

      You: Ned, you’re clearly frustrated. I seem to remember that Andy was on time at our meetings on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of last week. Hewas late on Thursday and Friday. So you mean he’s late frequently, not always; right?

7.   Move to problem solving—People who whine a lot often feel powerless and believe that the situation is hopeless. Your only chance of ending their negativity is to help them to move into a problem solving mode. This doesn’t always work, but it’s the only antidote known.

8.   Cut them off—If, after all your efforts, you deem these people to be hopelessly negative, you need to cut them off. Make sure they aren’t just venting for a few minutes, make sure you weren’t previously encouraging them, make sure they can’t switch to problem solving, and then politely shut them down.

      You: Can we change the subject? You’re really bumming me out. If you want to vent for a couple minutes, fine. If you want me to help you solve the problem, fine. But life is too short to wallow. Let’s move on to something else, OK?

(source)

I hope this helps.