#dieonysos

family is complicated. i love you and i hate you and i want to forgive you for all the hurt you have caused me because i cannot stand hating you. i want to be angry at you and run far far away where you will never see me again. i want to cry into your shoulder and i want you to hold me and say that its all going to be okay. i want to slam the door shut and sneak out the window to a party i do not want to go to just so i can piss you off. i want to sit in the balcony with you to have tea while we watch the sunset in silence. youre my family and i never want to see you again but i would kill if it meant you would live an easier life.

(i often think of how i'm only a semblance of who i used to be. people who've known me for years say that i've changed and i spend way too much time contemplating the ramifications of that.) someone i knew a year ago reconnected with me. they talked about our friendship from that time and... it sounded entirely foreign to me. is it sad that i cannot remember myself from back then? i can't remember the times when i used to add '!!!' to the end of my texts because i was genuinely excited, i can't remember the times i sent good morning messages because i wanted to check up on my friends and i definitely don't remember being kind and chipper to people out of choice, even when they hardly deserved it. i can't imagine myself putting my trust in people and opening up no matter how much I've been hurt and i cannot fathom the idea of being the sunshine. it's supposed to be sad, isn't it? but i feel more so indifferent than anything else. maybe I've changed for the better but it's not like i can bring back my past self. sometimes i dread the thought of disappointing my younger self.

kinda personal but. i hate coming out. i hate hearing that wary ‘wait, you’re not...?’. i hate making a new friend and having the mental note to ‘just casually drop the gay thing sometime before its too late’, because. you know. i hate bracing myself every single fucking time, i hate waiting for a fucking response that isnt awkward. i hate that long fucking pause where my brain goes through every single horrible thing they could say. i hate not knowing how theyre gonna react. i hate how every single time i think of a way to casually drop it in. i hate how every time i see my parents i think fuck how am i gonna tell them? am i gonna tell them? i hate having to correct people on pronouns the second, the third, the fourth time. i hate how it all still feels like a slap in the face.

todays reminder- your sharp edges are just as beautiful as the softer ones. the anger which never leaves, confidence you built from scratch, the ruthlessness you forced yourself to learn to survive are just as lovable as your softer tones. your jagged imperfections are important and beautiful. you are deservant of love just the way you are and do not think for once that you are the wrong sort of person for love. 

saying sad things on tumblr because im sad and its 3am and i have a physics exam in less than 24 hours