🧟♂️ Dick Zombies MeSearch™ Profile 🧟♂️
“10 Guys. 1 Profile. 0 Shame. 100% Looking For Your Wallet.”
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👥 Name:
The Dick Zombies
🌐 Username:
@DefinitelyNotHereForYourMoney
«“We are individuals. We have names. We have dreams. We also have a payment request.”»
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📸 Profile Picture:
Ten zombie-looking frat guys wearing sunglasses, backwards hats, expensive-looking jackets they definitely did not buy themselves, and matching smiles that say:
“Bro… you got Venmo?”
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🧬 Race:
Zombie
Subcategories:
☑ Frat Zombie
☑ Party Zombie
☑ “Bro, I know a guy” Zombie
☑ Financially Motivated Undead
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⚧ Gender:
Whatever gets us paid.
Options:
☑ Dude
☑ Bro
☑ Man
☑ “Surprise me if the money is right”
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💖 Sexuality:
Money-Oriented
“We believe love is great, but have you considered cash?”
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💰 What Are We Looking For?
A partner who understands our love language:
💵 Money
💳 Gifts
💎 Expensive dinners
🏝️ Vacations we did not pay for
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💘 Relationship Goals:
“Finding someone special.”
Translation:
“Finding someone financially special.”
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🧟♂️ About Us:
Hey.
We are the Dick Zombies.
We are 10 dudes sharing one dating profile because making 10 separate accounts costs money.
And money is what we are here for.
Are we charming?
Sometimes.
Are we responsible?
Absolutely not.
Will we tell you we are “entrepreneurs”?
Immediately.
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🎉 Hobbies:
🍻 Throwing parties
🏋️ Saying we go to the gym
🎮 Playing games we rage quit
💸 Spending other people’s money
🕶️ Looking cool while having no plan
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🟢 Green Flags:
✅ Honest about being ridiculous
✅ Always bring energy to the room
✅ Loyal to the group
✅ Somehow survive every bad decision
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🚩 Red Flags:
🚩 Calls everything a “business opportunity”
🚩 Owns too many tank tops
🚩 Says “trust me, bro” too often
🚩 Thinks a personality can be replaced with confidence
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Jessica’s Review:
“Absolutely not.”
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Slowkee’s Review:
“They are loud. They disturb my naps. I give them a 2/10.”
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Their Final Message:
“We aren't looking for a soulmate.
We are looking for someone who understands our lifestyle.
And our lifestyle requires funding.”
🧟♂️💸
