Youâre A Towel: This Time Itâs A Towel
(Lights up on an office. It is staffed entirely by college students sleeping at the desks. Enter Gerald. He pokes one of the students, Mary, who wakes up.)
Gerald: Whoâs in charge here?
Mary: I guess I am. Everyone else is asleep.
Gerald: UhâŚlike, whoâs your boss?
Mary: I donât reallyâŚthe college just kinda pays me. I donât really have a BOSS. Per se.
Gerald: Well, I got a call saying I was kicked out for something I didnât do.
Gerald: It was for underage drinking.
Mary: Oh, right. I filled out that form. It was a pretty good time because I got to look up all your personal information.
Gerald: Then you KNOW Iâm 35.
Mary: I thought you might say that.
Gerald: What do you mean?
Mary: Well, the paperworkâs already filled out.
Gerald: Where are you going with this?
Mary: Well, either youâre getting kicked out for underage drinking or getting arrested for statutory rape. Take your pick.
Gerald: I did NEITHER of those things.
Mary: But I have Photoshop.
(Mary turns the computer next to her around so Gerald can see it.)
Gerald: ThatâŚthatâs a picture of President Obama.
Mary: Oh man, whereâs his hand?!
Mary: Is that a dick on his hand?
Gerald: YouâŚyou drew that with the paintbrush tool.
Mary: Well, he seems to be shaking my hand with his dick hand.
Gerald: You canât possiblyâŚ
(Enter Frances, wearing a towel.)
Frances: Mary, where are my fucking clothes?!
Frances: Why is that a picture of President Obama molesting you with his dick hand?
Mary: Because we should kick President Obama out!
Frances: Oh my god, President Obama! I didnât see you there. I love your work. But I think you need to leave.
Frances: Get out of my office.
Gerald: Who are you, anyway?
Frances: The president of college housing.
Mary: Get out before I scream.
(Mary screams. Gerald sighs and walks out.)
Frances: You are so brave.
Mary: Itâs okay. I really do love dick hands.
Frances: Me too, Mary. Me too.
and thatâs how babies are made