#diary2021

I am writing this on a Sunday evening, my cat is on my right side, and my phone is on the other waiting for chat replies from my SO. There are a lot of self-questions I have in mind that I'm seeking answers from other people. A lot of doubts, fear, feeling alone are my top three emotions for the past months.

It all started when my current company dropped us the biggest plot twist of the year, they will transfer us to a different company --- disappointment, and sadness crept, this must be what Cherie Gil's slap feels like. My plans were canceled, I am demotivated and hopeless. A seven-degree of separation it is.

That happened in October. And today is the third last day of October, you might ask when are we going to move, and how do I feel with all this moving and this mentally tiring 3D world of ours?

I can't explain, maybe a gif will do.

I felt broken inside, by a lot of things, I was looking for someone to rely on, to help with my problems thinking that I'm not alone but when I really think about it, I'm alone and the only person I have is myself. I am battling my own procrastination, lack of self-discipline, over confidence, my stagnancy and my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I found myself drawing multiple lines, saying that this is the end of it when in reality, it's not. I'm stuck on day one, I have problems with consistency and discipline which mirrors my failure at doing things.

Finally, I said all of these in hope that I'll change tomorrow but in all honesty, it will take days, months and years to develop healthy habits. Universe, grant me mindfulness and wisdom to battle this unhealthiness I have.

I'm tired of being the same old sad Mace I portray both in real life and online. I fucking need to change. I need to see the root of this, that is not being content. There are positive and negative effect of this but a good introspection of both sides will do.

Hey!

It's already September and how do I can\t express how much disappointed I am with how our government is handling the pandemic.

To be honest, there were a lot of lost opportunities for each of us. I don't want to say that our dreams are being cancelled but it's rescheduled to a different timeline. A time that is just perfect.

A little update about life...

I don't feel good about myself, it feels like I haven't done much good for myself. I'm really at lost and I say this frequently because it is. I read somewhere that I have to keep a proper schedule of what I should do, follow it wholeheartedly -- from the standpoint of astrology because I'm a Pisces rising so doing Virgo stuff will keep me feel like I'm controlled.

Also, have you ever felt bad that you know a lot of things but then can't apply it, or get lost on the "applying the theory" part because that's one of my struggles. Any advice from you folks is highly appreciated and for the past years (2 years) I've been seeking a lot of advice from the Reddit community. God, I love that site. You can find the most senseful advice there.

I just wanted to share that I watched a Ted talk last last week about pursuing the grandest quest you can think of and his advice in achieving all of it was consistency -- Where on this earth can I get this because this is one thing that I lack though I read somewhere that in order to be really successful in your terms was to develop traits --- characteristic traits that will stick to you in any occasion. I only have the personality traits which shows different version of me for every different situation. I need some solidifying. A good one.

How do I start changing? How to become consistent? I'm starting to believe that I am only good at starting things but never finishing it and I don't want that. I have a lot of inner struggle I need to face. A lot of karmic cycle I fucking need to break. Hay