diary 26
11 January 2017
It’s been nine days since I saw her off, after walking her dog Leo one last time.
The folks in the department notice I’m not the same person I was last semester. I’ve started tucking my shirt in. I’m telling fewer jokes. I smile less.
A big part, I think, of why I struggled over the summer about her was because I didn’t have that many friends I could talk to about my emotions. That’s not to say I didn’t have friends. It’s just -- they told me they’ve heard the same emotional story, over and over and over again, like the boy who cried wolf, and they were getting tired of it.
That just makes me feel more alone. But I’ve been alone for a while, and I can continue to be. She told me she had her group of friends, the same group she bakes pizza with, the same group that comes together to survive in the harsh Chicago winters and academic environment. I don’t really have a group like that. I’ve never had a group like that. The closest thing is the “boozy brunch fam” the group of friends with whom I would frequent boozy brunches with, during a New York summer, and get shitfaced. I don’t really consider most of them close enough to tell my problems to (except for maybe one), and one of them would roll her eyes anyway.
The next closest thing to that kind of warm family I have is the group here at the math department, but again I don’t think I should burden them with anything. I don’t talk to my actual family about these issues either.
Brandon doesn’t really help either despite being my best friend. He listens, but he doesn’t understand. I can’t make him understand. I don’t think I can make anyone understand -- that’s not something anyone can just force others to do, they have to be willing to understand in the first place. And he’s heard this “tragic love story” already. Another eye-roller.
I’ve resolved to do fewer drugs. I’ve resolved to read more. I’ve resolved to pass comps. I’ve resolved to be more well informed. I’ve resolved to do more in local politics. I’ve resolved to find an advisor. I’ve resolved to kick ass. I’ve resolved to like myself more.
It’s a new year, it’s a new me. It’s time to grow the fuck up. It’s time to be less annoying. It’s time to be a boss ass bitch. It’s time to look forward and don’t look back.
It’s time to be a little less Bojack Horseman and a little more Princess Carolyn.
And maybe when I come back from this adventure I’ve set myself out on, I’ll see her again. And maybe I’ll feel alright. I’m doing alright.
