#dfiuhg

which isn’t a bad thing —- stress means something’s happening. but repeated stress is a different conversation.

pending. this is a pending conversation.

tendou starts to realize that he finds hellos to be synonymous with goodbyes. he likes for ushijima to go / to travel because it means ushijma will come back. he likes for ushijma to go / to travel because it means he’s going to do something —-

however, it’s an odd feeling to imagine that he’s technically

waiting around for someone.

tendou doesn’t wait. he doesn’t feel like he’s waiting. ushijima isn’t waiting. tendou thrives & builds himself as a businessman / personality & rejoices when ushijima happens to be home & imagines that neither of them are lonely.

ushijima travels with a team that doesn’t quite speak his language.

tendou comes home to an empty apartment / forgets to sleep in proper chunks.

they both realize at the end of the day that their schedules don’t quite match up, that they can’t call one another at easy times of day. which is fine, after all, because neither of them are much good with real conversations when it comes to conversing through the phone.

. . .

tendou has said a lot of things in the past few years, committed to their conversation, & still he doesn’t doubt a decision made. but restlessness in his gut hasn’t quieted all the way. he’s committed, settled in a home made for two —- &

the way they’ve progressed is hard to identify. sometimes it feels as though they’ve made it easier for themselves to stay in place —-

sometimes it feels as though they’ve made an unspoken agreement that they are secondary until ——

until something.

there is no blame; they are both complicit. it just accumulates with the casual understanding that their time will come, that because they do not doubt the decisions they made . . . they’re fine being on hold.

tendou is increasingly uncertain what that means.

pending. this is a pending conversation.

tendou worked early that day — he woke up at 4:00 in the morning, programmed the coffee pot to stay warm for ushijima, & worked a long enough shift that post-work afternoon nap lasts a little longer than he’s intends. he sprawls diagonally across the bed & tucks his head between two pillows & doesn’t hear

when ushijima comes home & double checks his bags for toiletries & the appropriate gear.

tendou’s not fully asleep just . . .

a little exhausted. still, he snaps to attention when ushijima murmurs that he’s about to head to the airport. tendou sits up in their bed & thinks that his alarm should have woken him a much earlier. the way it usually does. it’s confusing to wake up with evening light trickling in through the window, painting the room with something blue / something purple / something promising night.

. . . there’s no use puzzling over spilled milk.

tendou yawns & straightens a bit to lift an arm to invite ushijima to shuffle beneath his arm so that he might indulge in the embrace that permits a kiss &

tendou’s groggy enough that he can’t quite tell if this is hello or goodbye. he’s lost track. but still he presses his lips to ushijima’s temple first, then his cheek, & then his lips because:

‘ you’ll like me even if my breath is awful —- ‘

tendou drops back beneath the sheets & waves a hand. ‘ come back soon, ‘ the gesture translates.

hello, maybe goodbye: i’ll miss you in the meantime.