#dezibou

     “Go then, leave! See if I care!”

    You don’t know how it came to this. What went wrong. At what point the discussion at hand became a fight without boundaries.

    You stood there with tears in your eyes, feeling your heart break inside your chest and threatening to break you down with it. The look on Jisoo’s face was one you never wanted to see, and it had you ready to cave, to give her whatever she wanted, something, anything to stop the hurt you could clearly see in her eyes.

    Her words were scathing, sharp. They sunk deep into your flesh but they weren’t really there. Was this even worth it? Was it worth it to throw it all away? Jisoo seemed to think so, and since you hadn’t responded, she stormed past you to the door. She even opened it. And remained there, breathing heavy, hanging out to the last of her resolve. While you remained rooted to the spot, completely unwilling for this to be the end.

    “You wanted to do this,” Jisoo spoke. She didn’t try to hide the way her voice quivered. “You knew I didn’t think we could last and you were the one who decided to do this study abroad.”

    “Why can’t we try?” you pleaded.

    “It would’ve been different if you were closer!” she stamped her foot, exasperated. “You’re moving halfway across the world! You’re completely opposite of this timezone! You really think it’ll work this way?”

    “Why can’t you see this is what I want?” you tried again.

    “You had a choice, Y/N. You could’ve gone anywhere, somewhere closer even. But you picked somewhere I can’t follow you! And knowingly! So, stay with that decision. And leave.”

    With the jagged gesture of her hand, you left. The door slammed shut behind you. It sounded as much as it felt like the division from your girlfriend.

    If you didn’t stop running your thumb over the glazed face of your plane ticket, you were going to rub off the ink stating your departure. You looked down at the paper again.

    You were going home.

    The past two months had been some of the hardest times in your life. While the program abroad was exactly what you wanted to get out of it, you couldn’t fully enjoy it. Not when Jisoo was at the forefront of all your thoughts. How she was doing. What she was doing. Did she ever think of you? Did she miss you?

    You missed her. You missed her more than you could describe. Not hearing her voice, holding her hand, watching her dance practices, everything. It was all you could think about.

    And it was enough to make you realize that you had made a horrible mistake. The program could wait. Jisoo couldn’t. And you weren’t even sure if you were still making the right decision, the one to come back home. What if she didn’t want you back? What if you showed up and she was with someone else? What if she laughed at you or yelled at you or… just felt nothing at all?

    Jisoo wasn’t home when you knocked. She wasn’t at her favorite diner’s, she wasn’t at the park, and she wasn’t at the studio. You were running out of places to look for her.

    With a sigh, you built up the courage that kept tumbling down each attempt. A knuckle rapped against a familiar door and you waited. You could hear voices inside, but they were too muffled to be identified. Seconds felt like hours. Was this really where you wanted to see Jisoo again?

    Finally, the door opened.

    Lisa paused in the doorframe, obviously struck by the sudden appearance of someone who was supposed to be out of the country. It didn’t last long, and before you could say anything, she was reaching behind the door for something and saying over her shoulder, “Hey, Jisoo, I’m gonna run out and get us some chips. I’m really craving some chips.”

    She patted your shoulder as she left her own apartment. For you and Jisoo. You exchanged soft smiles, grateful for Lisa’s awareness. Now all that was left was entering the apartment and seeing Jisoo. If she even ever wanted to see you again.

    You came in empty-handed. You didn’t think buying flowers or chocolates or a stuffie would make much of a difference, and you didn’t want any ammunition for her to throw or something.

    Hands shaking and playing with each other, you came into the room to see Jisoo on the floor and reclining against the sofa, an Xbox controller in hand. But that lasted a second. She looked up at you and her eyes went wide, her mouth dropped. It was as though she was seeing a ghost of you and didn’t know what to do.

    “I had to see you again,” you blurted. There was not much else you could say. But it was the whole truth.

    At once, Jisoo discarded the controller to the floor. She was on her feet and rushing at you faster than you could blink, and you were most certainly not prepared for her body crashing against yours and the overwhelming relief you felt to have her in your arms again. There was no time to think or act when you felt her lips slide along yours and you were kissing her deeply as though you hadn’t been able to breathe for the last couple months. She felt so small in your hands, running them up and down her back. Her own were lost in your hair, keeping you close so that you couldn’t pull away from her kisses even if you wanted to. Which you certainly didn’t.

    At some point, you both needed oxygen. You sighed deeply, resting your forehead against hers, feeling your heart beat in your chest, in time with hers.

    “Don’t leave again,” she whispered. “Stay, please.”

Jonghyun isshaking by the time Taemin gets to him, on his knees and digging hisfingers so hard into his thighs that if he weren't wearing denimjeans, Taemin would be afraid he'd cut himself with his fingernails.

He gasps thesecond Taemin touches him, sucks in air like he's drowning and hasonly just now breached the surface of the water. It's the kind ofgasp that makes Taemin flinch, because on him it would come with theinstinct to yank away, but Jonghyun only twists bodily, paws atTaemin with a kind of desperation that frightens Taemin.

“I-- please,I--” Jonghyun croaks, stuttering.

Taemin could be anyone in thismoment. He knows that. But this is Jonghyun, and Taemin is notanyone. He's not going to just let this happen.

“Jonghyun,”he says, quiet and firm, and pulls Jonghyun's hands off of him, holdsthem in his own and squeezes tightly. “Jonghyun, it's me. It'sTaemin. Jonghyun, you're okay. Everything is okay.”

Jonghyunwhines, scrambling to get closer, and Taemin isn't exactly thestrongest, but he's strong enough to hold Jonghyun at bay, frantic ashe is.

“Jonghyun,look at me,” he orders, and Jonghyun stares through him,recognition still far away. Taemin squeezes his hands, hard enough tohurt, hard enough that he feels like shit doing it, and Jonghyungives a moan that isn't him and buckles a little. “Jonghyun, lookat me.”

“I am,”Jonghyun says, something like panic leaking into his voice. “I am.”

“No, you'renot. Look at me,” Taemin repeats again, pressing the word sohard it feels almost stilted.

Jonghyun openshis mouth, the protest obvious, and then closes it again and shakeshis head. “I--” he starts, and then shudders bodily, makesanother feeble struggle to get closer to Taemin. “Please.”

“Look at me,”Taemin says, a whisper, and finally Jonghyun does. Finally.

His eyes landon Taemin and he hesitates, just a moment, and then lets his handsfall away. “I'm... shit,” he whispers, pulling into himself. Andthen, “Kiss me? Please. I just need--”

Taemin kisseshim, soft and short and sweet, not enough to rile Jonghyun back up,but enough to get him to finish crumpling into Taemin's arms. Taeminlets him, holds him close until Jonghyun has subsided. He'll stillneed to sate him later, but at least Jonghyun is here, is present.

“Whathappened?” Taemin asks, once Jonghyun's trembling has faded some.“What triggered you? Do you know?”

Jonghyunwhines, low in his throat, not so much sexual as pained. “I'm--fucking therapy. It didn't... it's fine.”

“It's not,”Taemin points out. “Not if you got like this.”

Jonghyun makesa noise that tells Taemin that under better circumstance, Jonghyunwould be pulling back to glare (or at least pout) at him, but rightnow Taemin isn't sure Jonghyun has the strength of will to pull awayif he wanted to.

“I'm just...”Jonghyun manages to let go of Taemin long enough to rake a handthrough his hair, but they fall back into place the moment he's done,both hand and hair. “I'm never getting out of here. I'm-- I'm nevergonna get to leave. I'm going to be stuck here, broken, for the restof my goddamn life--”

“Jonghyun,”Taemin says harshly, enough that it startles both of them. Jonghyunjolts in his hold, and Taemin feels a curl of panic in his gut, butit subsides when Jonghyun only curls into him further. “I'm sorry.But you're not broken, okay? You're sick, sure. We all are. Butyou're not just some inanimate thing that someone broke that can becast aside – you're a person, Jonghyun.”

Jonghyundoesn't say anything for a long time, and then, “My chart says noprogress. No progress at all for fucking years, Taemin. Myentire goddamn writeup says I'm a broken piece of shit who isn'tbeing fixed, and I'm never going to--”

“I don't carewhat they say!” Taemin snaps, cutting him off. “It doesn't meanshit! They don't see you the way I do every day. They don't know youthe way I do.”

“But I'm not,Tae, I'm still—”

“Then youdon't know you the way I do,” Taemin says. “Look at you. Look atyou. You stopped. You're okay. You're talking about what's wrong.You're-- Jonghyun, maybe they're counting progress wrong, becauseyou're doing something. You are.”

Jonghyunpresses his face into Taemin's shoulder and lets out a tiny, shakylaugh before lifting his head. “Kiss me again,” he says,obviously changing the subject. “I'm okay. I'll-- I'll be okay.Just kiss me again.”

18. “I shouldn’t be in love with you.”

Jonghyun is just about to go to bed when Taemin comes into his room, worrying his lower lip between his teeth and staring unblinking for a long moment before coming closer and sliding into Jonghyun’s lap, just looking for a few long seconds before cupping his face in his hands and kissing him slow and earnest. While surprised at Taemin’s sudden show of affection, Jonghyun can feel the way Taemin is trembling so he goes with it, hauling Taemin in closer and kissing him deep, until he can barely breathe, until all he can think of is Taemin, Taemin, Taemin.

“I think I’m in love with you,” is what Taemin says when he pulls back. He’s frowning but he’s looking more through Jonghyun than at him when he speaks again, “I shouldn’t be in love with you, but I am. And you don’t have to say anything, just…I wanted to say it.”

The quiet admission shocks Jonghyun into alertness and opens his mouth to speak, closes it. Because…he doesn’t know what he feels, if it’s platonic or romantic or somewhere in between.

“What are you asking for then?” is what Jonghyun decides on.

Taemin shrugs and then yawns, clambers off of Jonghyun to slip beneath the covers. “I don’t know really. But we can talk about that later, can’t we? Night.” And it’s not a dismissal, just…Taemin being Taemin.

It makes Jonghyun smile, and he is quick to follow Taemin’s lead and curl up beside him. He doesn’t know what he feels, but the way his arm fits so perfectly around Taemin’s waist and the way he and Taemin fit together makes him want to try.

45. “I had a nightmare about you and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

It is nearing 4am when Taemin comes slinking down the stairs, tail lashing and ears folded back against his head. A fond smile curves up Jonghyun’s lips as he watches Taemin jump up onto the couch and into his lap, insistently butting his head into Jonghyun’s stomach and meowing pitifully until Jonghyun puts his notebook down and begins to gently run his hand against his fur. Taemin is shivering, and his plaintive little noises don’t stop even as Jonghyun continues petting him.

“What’s wrong, pretty kitty?”

It is another moment before Taemin shifts back, but when he does, he’s still trembling and he clings to Jonghyun like a limpet, shoving his face into Jonghyun’s neck and just breathing him in for a long moment.

“I had a nightmare about you and I just…wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m okay, Taeminnie. Yeah?”

Taemin nods into Jonghyun’s neck, sniffling pitifully and nodding again. “Just wanted to make sure.”

“Want me to give you good dreams?”

Taemin shakes his head now and peeps up at Jonghyun, eyes wide and watery. “Wanna stay up with you.”

“You sure? I can come to bed with you and finish this later.”

“Carry me?”

“You gonna shift back, pretty kitty?”

Taemin shakes his head almost immediately, so all Jonghyun does is hold him tighter until his trembling subsides and his muscles relax and he eventually falls asleep.

74. “You don’t know you the way I do.”

Taemin is upset. Jonghyun knows this from the way his ears are flat against his head and the way his tail twitches and lashes. “Pretty kitty, what’s wrong?”

Taemin gives him a disgusted look, but he leans into Jonghyun’s hand and allows himself to be picked up and kissed and put in Jonghyun’s lap. “My pretty kitty,” Jonghyun hums, “my pretty baby.”

Taemin’s back arches into Jonghyun’s hand and he begins to purr despite himself, relaxing when Jonghyun picks him up again and kisses his forehead again. “Cute kitty,” Jonghyun mumbles, mostly to himself. He gently swings Taemin back and forth, watching his paws sway and his meows turn exasperated.

He stops laughing when Taemin suddenly shifts back; Taemin grins at the strain in Jonghyun’s arms, and he clutches Jonghyun before he can be dropped. “Not upset.”

“I know you’re not anymore, Taeminnie. I know you better than you do, pretty kitty.”

“Oh?”

“Of course. You don’t know you the way I do, baby.”

“Gay.” Taemin mumbles, nosing into Jonghyun’s neck and pressing a quick kiss there.

“Only for you, pretty kitty. Gonna tell me what’s wrong?”