#deyshawrites

It was though he found a missing link

It must be a mistake, he talked himself out of it as I dropped him off at the airport

We talked about futuristic things and the plans we’ve seen for our lives

Our favorite color is blue

Could he be the ocean & I the sky?

He loved me with his eyes they never lied

Holding hands as we walked Waikiki

He fasted because I was

We watched the city and broke it with fast food, irony

He loved me when he built the bed for me

He opened more about life and family

He loved me as he watched me gently play with a beetle at his meditation spot on a familiar hike

He loved me every time he left kisses on my cheek

He loved me when I was sad, when I yelled at him, when I felt unsure

Most of all, he loved me under stars

When he affirmed,

“I think you’re in love with me.”

The kind of person that only leaps when you jump first

“You’re in love with me and you have been for a long time…”

People don’t always leap first, some never leap at all

He loved me through his eyes when his lips couldn’t resolve…

And you can’t love me

What a wonder

I find myself trying

You find yourself attempting, too

What an incongruence?

Do you find yourself as perplexed as I?

When you try?

Is it acceptance?

Do I feel as complacent as he?

As familiar?

As loving?

Gently?

Maybe if I was mean?

Maybe if I was anyone but me?

Even though that is something I’d never dream?

Even when I had I realize you become letting go,

You become a home, that’s for sale

A showing, a knowing,

A feeling I cannot buy

Not that I’ve tried

A feeling in a place I cannot hide

A wave passing over low tide

Until my subconscious angst

And growing up, a quiet nostalgia

Aching at my heart

It’s a weird feeling I’ll rest with

The bittersweet acknowledgment of loves fantasy

Wired in the fae, never felt so far

Thinking on the future and being afraid

Learning what it meant to be small

Wishing my thoughts I could decode

Seeing what I’ve done…

Not because of lack of intelligence, but because of lack of freedom

Lack of autonomy,

An absence of growth masked by society in the legal artistry of a felony

I wish your voice mattered because time gives everyone a moment of wisdom

A moment to find the dome

Having a shallow seat

The waters can’t even submerge

In a demiurge,

Nothing mystical about it

When you look close

Just fractured glass like a kaleidoscope

I thin sliced every blink

And every undercover link

Even painted red flags, “pink”

Who do they really prefer to meet?

Dey or Darko?

I switch sides it’s light on shadows

So do tell how much is really getting bi?

I say 25% if there’s mirrors at the sky

Telescope or microscope

How did she get so close?

From the 3oh!3 didn’t you learn?

It kept breathing heavy against the shore,

slow and endless,

like it could taste what we wouldn’t say.

Your breath tangled in my hair,

warm, uneven,

and I could feel you everywhere

you hadn’t touched me yet

My knees pressed into the sand,

lips parted,

saltwater clinging to my tongue,

a thousand prayers dissolving

before they could make a sound

I almost let myself drown there

in the hush,

in the gravity between us,

in the way restraint trembled,

begging to be broken

Sometimes I still dream it happened slow,

the kind of slow that makes time beg,

where every breath is taken twice,

where the body remembers before the mind allows it,

where yes is inevitable

I only ever wanted to taste the edges

Not cover the whole canvas,

Just let the color spread,

Slow enough to forget

Where my skin ended

And the pigment began

Everything shifts when you linger

Gloss softens. Heat blooms.

Brushstrokes change beneath your gaze

Until you can’t tell

If you’re the one creating

Or being studied

I’ve grown obsessed with the unfinished

That suspended breath

Before the paint settles,

Where each stroke

Feels like a secret

Sliding beneath the surface,

Too delicate to name

But impossible not to feel

I stopped trying to control it

I let the medium move me

Draw me open,

Pull me into undertones

I swore I’d never touch

I follow where it wants me,

Softly, completely,

Until even restraint forgets itself

Art became something I just am:

A body dissolving into layers,

Skin remembering colors

It thought it had lost,

A pulse buried beneath varnish,

Trembling in places

I haven’t explored yet

Exhaling,

I leave traces without meaning to

Colors sinking deeper

Than I ever intended,

Marks you only notice later

When they refuse to let go

Interpret if you want

Project if you must

But you’ll never know

If you’re seeing the painting,

Or the painter

Then you ubiquitously

took the oxygen from me

Seeming ecliptic moving like shadows

In a sunken light,

accepting love just isn’t your plight, strife or fight

Timeless in becoming wandering at your pace

If I let you unfold the pages it’d be evermore

A woman yearning is a man’s solace

A woman’s solace is a man’s yearning

Beloved muse, she pulses in phases

I tried not to be a veiled labyrinth

In sovereign spaces

Rather an aurora of magnetic sister signs

Except you clipse me at the umbra

And call it a shrine,

Wildflower, I almost let you bring me home

Lucid dreamer, I almost let you drift beyond conscious thought

But an afterthought is just that

Not a beheld craving left to enthrall

But an unknown fervor that ripples in the tide

Kindred crossroads and soft spoken needs

I can’t ember because while I transfigure radiance

Honey, I turn fire into sweetness