#dexteraa

          "   Prince Felix, I presume?    "

to: carter

text: ( unsent ! ) did you ever stop?

text: ( unsent ! ) i love you back

text: ( unsent ! ) i love you more

text: ( unsent ! ) i love you still

final moments together.

      I WILL PROTECT YOU UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING.      he had said it to her on a cool september night while they held      each other on her couch.  carter had wiped her tears  &&  they      had stayed like that for a small forever. alissa had fallen asleep      like that, in his arms. she woke up in her warm bed with carter      on the floor  &&  if he hadn’t looked so peaceful she would’ve      asked him to come under the covers with her.    ( she hadn’t. )

      CHANCE had decided to cheat him of his promise in the form      of alissa shaking in his arms.  hearing him whisper no was ten      times the pain in her side.  she watched him with tearing eyes      && a sort of sadness that only comes at the end. alissa would      never have kids. alissa would never make them lunch or teach      them piano.  she would never get married.  alissa would never      write anything more than a first draft ( mentally, not on paper )      of her wedding vows. && she’d never do those with carter.

      they would not go to dylan && shelia’s wedding.     they would      not give horrible speeches.   ( maybe he would, but alissa’d be      six feet under, rotting away. ) she sniffled, head in the crook of      his neck,   heartbeats so close to his they were almost in sync.      && she cried like she used to, only now he cried with her,   &&      she thought she had to say something. alissa was DYING, but      that didn’t matter. she needed the last word.

      she put her hand to his cheek && kisses the other,  whispering      I LOVE YOU. her time is getting shorter && shorter; if anything      she would remind him this. alissa breathes it on his ear so light      she might have already been a ghost.  ❝ i’m glad with you.  if i      die i’m glad it’s with you holding me and         ( … ) ❞   lost her      breath. tried again.   ❝ you’ll be fine without me, ❞  she smiled.

      alissa felt it in her bones,   trying to HOLD ON,   her soul trying      so very hard to escape.   alissa swallowed her shakes, running      && scattering through her like mice. ❝ take care of them.  gary      dylan shelia hayden aaron tell them i’m sorry,    tell them i love      them wherever i am.  tell them i died with you && i died happy      i’m happy carter i love you  i         love         you  i love you i ❞

                               there are shakes.

your muse pinning mine down on the couch.

      the thing about alissa day is that she is so much  stronger  than      everyone thinks.    && she’s tiny but she’s mighty && even though      carter stands a foot something taller than her she thinks he knows.      the first time was sweet.   it was slow.   it was good but ever since      alissa swallows her hunger  &&  puts it away in the drawers of her      tidy mind. occasionally she pulls out the thought of being pressed      up against a wall or the thought of scratching  &&  biting  &&  she      plays with the thoughts in her head,  playing them out && through.      but then she puts them neatly away, && that’s that.

to: carter

text: ( unsent ! ) i hope you know how much i think about you. how i think about you when i don’t mean to. because i do and i don’t think you can fathom what you mean to me or how much you mean to me and i hope someday you can but i’m not so sure but you and your bright eyes and your stupid smile give me hope

text: ( unsent ! ) no but when i hear your name i see picket fences and two kids and a green yard and a two story house and i see blue skies and picnics and i know that’s stupid and i know that i want more than just home life but i want that with you i want that moment where we can say we’ve made it where we wake up together and it’s early morning and there’s a moment of silence and peace and smiles and all of a sudden the baby’s crying and we realize we’re late but we don’t take it for granted and i kiss your cheek before we rush to work and i just really want that and i want it with you

text: ( unsent ! ) tbh i don’t wanna pizza or community tonight i just want to cry in your arms and think about death and feel sad about it and feel sad about the fact that you will not always be here for me to hold and maybe you will be but you won’t want me to hold you

text: ( unsent ! ) i always need you but rn i WANT you

text: ( unsent ! ) do you remember that time you stopped me in the hallway in eighth grade and you put your face right next to mine because i think about that all the time? i did then and now i think about it even more because like god we were on a collision course but i still like when we chose to collide

If I get 10 ‘Accents’ I’ll record myself saying all this.

send me a "♦" for the first word my muse thinks of when your muse is mentioned.

     LOVE.