#devon werkharder

Welcome to Devon’s Life Survival Guide. This week I want to talk a bit about my journey.

 I’ve been acting since I was 8 years old. I’ve been writing songs since I was 15 years old. I am 25 right now, and I am living in the best time of my life yet. I’m in an amazing relationship. I have a strong community of friends and artists. I have a movie I am actually stoked on, called Sundown, that is out on DVD and digital right now. I have a few movies and new projects in post production and pre-production. I just hosted my second season of Dance-Off Juniors, which will be out soon. The Life Survival Guide is growing. I have incredible, genuine, and real fans, YOU, that I am so grateful to connect with, and our community is building. I’ve released a bunch of music over the years, music that I am proud of. My two EPS, I Am, and Here and Now, as well as the singles I’ve released.

 And now I am releasing my album Prologue. Prologue is about honoring everything I have done up until now, and creating space for all the magic that is to come. It is a collection of previously released songs that you may be familiar with, and acoustic and alternate versions of those songs, as well as one new single. It is a way of owning where I’ve come from, and how much I’ve grown. It’s a way of letting you know that there is so much more to come.

 I am grateful for where I am and where I come from. Go on, call me Ned, it’s all good. I am proud to have been a part of that show. I am proud of all the work I have done since that show. I am proud of the music I’ve been releasing over the years. All the work I’ve been doing. Externally, and internally. I am grateful to be able to pursue my creative dreams. And I am grateful for all of you who support me along the way. Hell, I’m even grateful for the haters, cuz you teach me as well. Oh, the haters.

 Last week we talked about the statement “I Am Just Beginning.” About using that phrase to empower us in the present moment. Empower us to feel open to possibility, and accepting of our imperfections. So let’s continue in that area. In honor of my album Prologue, my love life challenge this week, is for you to write down your Prologue. There are 13 tracks on the record, so no matter what age you are, no matter what stage of life you are in, write down thirteen life experiences that you are most grateful for. They can be happy, or sad. Moments of triumph, or defeat. Moments of fun and celebration, or moments of serious, intensity. Write down these thirteen experiences as your prologue, because chapter one is starting right now. Honor your past with gratitude, and make space in your present. Space for new adventures, new chapters, new habits. New magic. Your life is now.

 I’m going to read a short version of my list, there are elaborate reasons why each of these are on the list, which you should explore while making your list, but it would take me hours to talk about them. So….

 1. I am grateful that my family supported my dreams as a young kid.

2. I am grateful for the happy holiday memories from my childhood.

3. I am grateful for Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide.

4. For all the weeks I spent at summer camp.

5. I am grateful for Coachella 2008.

6. I am grateful for the incredible friends I have in my life.

7. I am grateful for the relationship that ended, which led to my first Burningman.

8. I am grateful for my first Burningman, and every one I’ve been to since.

9. I am grateful for the movie I starred in Sundown, and for all the incredible ripples it made, that have been rolling through my life ever since.

10. I am grateful for the time I was spent signed to Universal Records as a teenager, how it was difficult and ended terribly, but created an amazing chain of events and people in my life, that allow me to be where I am today in music.

11. I am grateful for the crazy cat-ladies, that brought my little Flowcat into my life.

12. I am grateful for all the times someone believed in me and gave me an opportunity. And on the flip side of that, I am grateful for all the people who doubted me, or didn’t see me, which taught me how to believe in myself.

13. I am grateful for all the magic and grace that led to Sara coming into my life.

Welcome to the guide.

 Tell me if any of these sound like you.

You feel like you are late to the game, like you are already behind everyone else.

You have written off aspects of life, like there are just some things that are for other people, but not for you.

You believe you are never gonna have a good relationship, or a best friend. You believe you will never be desired.

You’ve always wanted to do something, but you think it’s too late. Like play an instrument, or learn to paint, or learn woodcarving.

You feel like you have already missed some important opportunities along the way, and because you mishandled them, you believe you are living in a lesser version than what your life is supposed to be.

You believe you are irreparably broken or damaged, because of something you did in the past, or something someone did to you.

 Do anyone of those resonate? Are any of those things I mentioned dominating your worldview? Let’s talk about it.

 This week I want to talk about one of the most powerful statements you can remind yourself of daily…I am just beginning. One of my favorite people in the whole world, a fantastic acting coach, has all of her students write a big note on their front door that says, “I Am Just Beginning.” She asks, that every time the students leave their home to go out into the world, they remind themselves of that note. I am just beginning. Say it to yourself. I am just beginning. Allow that statement into your being. I am just beginning. Do you feel it? How full of possibility that is? How full of openness and joy it is? How full of acceptance it is?

 Beginners are allowed to be messy. They are allowed to be sloppy. Imperfect. They are allowed to try. They are allowed to fail. They are allowed to fall. Have you ever watched a baby learn how to walk? Could you imagine if the first time you fell down trying to walk as a baby you gave up right there? Said, “That’s it, I look stupid. This is dumb. Walking is for other people, not me.”

 Life Survival Tip #18: Trust The Process. You see at some point in our lives, we got ahead of ourselves, and believed we should be farther along than we actually are, and then came the self-loathing, the defeated self image. Somewhere along the way we started to believe that we should be experts on the first try, so we stopped trying. Somewhere along the way we stopped trusting the process. See, a baby trusts the process. A baby intuitively knows that if it keeps trying to walk, or talk, it will eventually figure it out. A baby intuitively trusts that the falling and failing is a part of the process of growth.

 Many of us place so much importance on all the bad that has happened to us along the way. All the mistakes. All the injustices. All the missed opportunities. We build up a story that the world is passing us by. We build up a story that we are unworthy, or uninteresting, or untalented. We believe there is this other life that we are supposed to be living, this other life that should be happening and we are trapped in this lesser life. We build up a story that we are less than great and our life is less than great, and then we believe that story so strongly that it becomes our reality. Birthdays come and we actually feel anxiety, or grief, or complacency. We might be 21, or 31, or 51, and tell ourselves we are old and our life is almost over. Something really bad might’ve happened to us, out of our control, and had us forget that we can overcome anything, that we are worthy of a beautiful life, that we are strong and beautiful, and that our life exists in the present, not the pains of our past.

 A good thing to understand, is there is nothing wrong with you for getting caught in that trap, for building this negative story. You see our brains are set up by evolution, to place importance on negative aspects in our life. Dangerous aspects. Because one of the main functions of life is to evolve, to perpetuate more life. So, life naturally remembers the times we felt scared, and hurt, the times we were in danger, uncomfortable, disappointed, the times we didn’t get the thing we thought we wanted, our brain remembers those things, and reminds us of them to make sure we avoid it in the future, to try and make sure we don’t feel that same pain in the future. So there is nothing wrong with you for doing that, it is natural, but it will serve you to learn how to include, but transcend that nature. Just because our brain does that, doesn’t mean we can’t work with it in a better way.

 It will serve you to understand, that what we focus on, we create. What we vibrate, we attract. What we resist, persists. So if our mantra is, “Don’t mess up, don’t mess up, don’t mess up.” We are probably going to mess up. Because we are coming from a belief that there is a good chance we will mess up. But if we can shift that same awareness to the mantra of, “ I am capable, I am capable, I am capable.” Or, “I got this, I got this, I got this.” You are going to have a much better chance at success, and you will be in a much better state to enjoy the process.

 So let’s say you’ve been hurt in relationships. And you still carry that hurt strongly within you. Chances are, this will lead to an internal belief that sounds something like, “I always get hurt in relationships. Nobody will ever love me like I love them. All guys are assholes,” or, “all girls are crazy.” And an outward intention that says something like, “Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me.” You are going to want to shift those beliefs around to something that attracts what you actually want, not avoid what you don’t want. “I deserve a great partner. I am creating new habits in relationship. I cherish myself and I only want a partner who will cherish me.” And maybe an outward intention of, “Love me as I am. Love me as I am. Love me as I am.” This applies to all aspects of our life, not just romantic relationships. It applies to our beliefs about friendships, our careers, money, everything.

 Changing these internal stories, shifting our focus towards possibility, learning to trust the process, will set us up for a wonderful life of growth and learning and love. And there is no better statement to fully capture that than “I am just beginning.” It is revitalizing. It is energizing. It is uplifting. It is so full of possibility. It encapsulates trusting the process.   You can say this to yourself at any age. You could say it to yourself on your deathbed, and move into whatever is next with a whole lifetime of experience, but the openness and joy of a beginner. And you should definitely be saying it to yourself while you are young. And just so we are clear, I know a 96 year old woman, so 75 is young to her.

 It is time to embrace the process you are in, not resist it. You can start right now.

This is the Life Survival Guide, we are talking about ways to improve our relationship to life!! So let’s talk about one of those key components of life and love: relationships.

I’m not talking about if you’re just wanting to have fun, or “it’s no big deal” relationships. Because those aren’t going anywhere anyway. I’m talking about reciprocated feelings. The love of another. A committed partnership. A teammate. A best friend and a lover. I bet you think you’re ready for that, but are you really?

 In Episode 4 of the Life Survival Guide entitled “If You Build It They Will Come”, I talk about how you must first know how to love yourself before you are ready to recieve the love of another. You should watch that episode if you haven’t already, but let’s talk about that a bit more.

 Of course a lot of you want to be in a relationship. Of course you want to engage with another person, in the exploration of love, and sexuality, and understanding. Of course you are going to want another person to bring more meaning into your life. But the truth is, most of us aren’t ready. We engage in relationships before we are ready to understand them. Before we are ready to understand ourselves. We engage in relationships before we have learned the tools to really try and make one work. We enter relationships before we have learned to really be okay on our own, and before we’ve learned what being on our own means to us. So many of us are hopping from relationship to relationship trying to be valued, before we’ve learned what it means to value ourself.

 Not being able to be okay on your own, not valuing your solitude, is going to be a problem if you think you are ready for a great and successful relationship. And I think that’s where so many of us are at these days. I mean, do you know how to be okay alone? Do you make sure you have time alone? Is that important to you?

 Because these days, some of us are almost never alone. With Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, even when we are physically alone, we can be engaging with others and counting our likes and retweets. With Snapchat, even those private little moments throughout the day where we find something amusing, we can now film and send to all of our friends. Some of us are going around every day of the week, sharing our life with others, before we’ve learned how to appreciate it for ourself. Before we’ve learned how to live it for ourself.

 Life Survival Tip 17: Learn to enjoy your solitude. Practice being alone, but not just being alone, learn how to enjoy your alone time. Learn how to cherish alone time. This doesn’t mean you have to move to Siberia for a year. This doesn’t mean you can’t have friends or a social life. This doesn’t mean become an anti-social cave troll. You can practice enjoying solitude  and still have a life. You can even practice enjoying your solitude while in a relationship. It means creating a good relationship with yourself. It means setting aside time for you to just be, not connecting with others, not being so busy going over check lists in your mind, not on your phone. It means when deep feelings of loneliness arise, learning to face them, and be with them, instead of reaching for the nearest distraction. Becoming skillful at being alone, at enjoying your solitude, will deepen your life and teach you things about yourself you can’t learn from anyone else. It is an important skill to bring to a relationship.

 Relationships are some of the most rewarding, and most challenging experiences any of us engage in. Most of them will end. Many will be unhealthy. Half of marriages, life-long commitments, fail at some point. The two parties give up. The two parties reach an impasse. They grow apart. Or one of them sabotages it. Now, some people lose faith in the institution of marriage. Some think it’s because monogamy is against our nature. Maybe. But I think it is because a successful relationship takes skill and work and understanding that most of us aren’t ready for when we get into them. It takes a lot of tools and skills to keep that ship sailing towards a hopeful horizon. To go the distance. You wouldn’t just hop in a sailboat and attempt to sail around the world, would you? No, you would prepare. You would acquire the tools necessary. You would learn the proper skills to attempt the trip. You would train your body and mind. You would ready yourself. And you would probably have a support team to help you. More of us should approach relationships like that.

 Give yourself time. Prepare yourself. Learn the skills that it takes to make a great relationship work. Communication. Honesty. Listening. Dedication. Devotion. Compromise. Self-reflection. Self-awareness. The ability to gracefully take criticism. The ability to draw boundaries. Commitment to growth. A willingness to try new things. A willingness to accept help. Practice them in your day to day life because good, lasting relationships don’t just happen. They are created by both partners. So you need to show up as a full partner, you need to know what that means.

 True Love. The One. Soulmates. It’s not enough. Some of us will just get lucky, and in our stumbling through life we’ll find the right one and the will to make it work.  But most of us don’t get to just find that, if we haven’t taken the time to find ourself. If we don’t value ourself. If we don’t value our solitude. We’ll give our heart away to someone who isn’t ready. We’ll give our heart away to someone who won’t cherish it. We’ll give our heart away to someone who won’t honor it. We’ll commit to someone that deep down we know isn’t right, because we are afraid of to be alone.

 So, you can believe in true-love, in soulmates, in “the one”, I do, but my advice, is to live as if you might not meet your one in this life. Accept that they might not be here this time around, and learn what it means to enjoy your time anyway. Be open to enjoying your life on your own. Discover what your path is. What you want to do in life. What brings you joy, all on your own. What you lose track of time doing. What moves you at the core of your being. What you want to give to the world. Discover a vision for your life. A direction you want it to go in. Seek that more than you seek a partner. Work for that, before you work for someone else’s love.

 This is so important to bring to a relationship. This is so important to have an idea of, before you are ready to do the dance of creating a vision with another person. Before you are ready to do the dance of compromise and building a life with another person. Get to know what your life means to you, so you can really know what it means to share it with another. So you can know how to feel when the relationship is off balance and how to make adjustments. You gotta have a good idea of your life-path, so that you don’t get lost walking alongside someone else. A successful relationship has to be two whole human beings, coming together to create something more, not two halves coming together to try and make a whole.

 And a successful relationship takes commitment. Most of us don’t understand the weight of that word. It means being able to choose love, and see things through, even when things are really hard. When we are triggered into our defense mechanisms. Commitment means when our self-preservation is telling us to run, we stay and do our best to communicate with love. When things are so messy, or the communication has gotten so tangled up, that it’s hard to see how you’ll make it to the other side and come back together, but you figure it. When your partner isn’t showing up as their best, but you figure out how to meet them with love and space to move through it.

 You are going to want to find someone who is worth the work. Who is worth figuring it out with. Because every relationship is work. And because we are all crazy. The common denominator in all your past relationships not working out is you. But not everyone you date is going to be worth you trying to overcome yourself. Everyone deserves love, but not everyone you try to date deserves your love. Sometimes it won’t be the right fit. So have high standards. Only commit to someone who you feel inspired to do the work with. Someone who evokes a big enough vision for your life together, that you are willing to work through the tough times. And someone who feels the same way about you.

 Do you hear me? Yes, there can be a short period where one partner has to figure out that they like the other, but that’s it. A short period. I’m sorry to say, and I wish my younger self knew this, but once you are in the friend zone, it’s time to say goodbye. Don’t be great friends with someone you actually want to be with and are secretly hoping they will one day realize they love you. It’s not fair to you or them. The Friend Zone is bullshit. It’s sugar-coated rejection. Perpetuated by both people. If you want to just be friends with them, by all means, be just that, a friend. But a friend doesn’t get jealous. A friend doesn’t look for opportunities to make a move. A friend doesn’t see a breakup as an opportunity. So if you want more, and you get friend-zoned, you’d be wise to respectfully say goodbye.

 So prepare for your future amazing relationship, and understand that we might not ever know when we are ready. We are always a work in progress and sometimes the right person comes along, and you just gotta go for it from where you’re at. The goal is to be in the middle of your fabulous life, mid-step, mid-dance, and have someone show up who makes your heart skip a beat. But do your best to set yourself up for success when that time comes.

 I am grateful for every relationship I’ve been in, because I learned some things, I grew, and each relationship led me to the next place in my life. They were all teachers. I don’t have regrets, but looking back I can see why they didn’t work. I can see the mistakes and misunderstandings I was bringing to the table. And that’s a great experience. Those are all lessons. It not’s about wrong or right. It’s about learning what works and doesn’t work for you in relationships. And continuing to bring a better version of yourself next time.

 Life moves forward. And I grew and learned and with some luck and grace I stumbled upon Sara. And I found someone who showed me what it really means to be committed. And let me tell you, love is challenging. It feels like I’ve grown more in this two years than the previous 23. Love for me should be exhilarating and terrifying. It should be confronting and uplifting. It should be serious work and silly, silly play. It requires my consistent presence, patience, and perseverance. And I wouldn’t be able to do it, if I hadn’t fallen in love with life before falling in love with Sara. Before meeting Sara, I could genuinely picture my life without a life-long partner, because I had learned to be content being my own partner. Start there. So you are able to move through life on your own, with self-love and self-worth, and then you’ll really be able to recognize when someone is worth stopping, and changing course for.

 And when you are going to be with someone, don’t be one foot in, one foot out, don’t do that to yourself or the other person. Find someone who it’s worth being fully in with. Find someone who wants to be fully in with you. Don’t spend too much time in the unclear. Don’t spend too much time second-guessing if you want to be with someone, or being okay with someone second-guessing if they want to be with you. It doesn’t have to be like that. Good love is strong and clear. It’s work, yes, but it’s also easy. It’s not drama. It’s not unrequited. It’s not unbalanced. It’s not abusive. It doesn’t put you in the friend-zone. So raise your standards and stand for them. Create relationships built on clear intentions and communication. And let your love be big, don’t be scared to have your heart broken, it’s part of figuring out who you are.

Welcome back to Devon’s Life Survival Guide. We’re here to get better at life. Too many of us are disempowering ourselves by thinking that a fortunate life just happens to us or doesn’t. Wrong. Living a fortunate life takes work. It takes being skillful at life. And to get skillful at life, you gotta be actively learning, growing, and participating. Let’s get into it.

 This week I want to talk about the way we view our bodies. What we call body image. How is your relationship to this? How do you view your physical body? When you look in the mirror do you feel free or trapped? Do you feel empowered or defeated? Do you feel love or loathing? Do you feel neutral? All of the love in our life comes first from how we relate to ourself. We could be surrounded by all of the love in the universe but if we have a poor relationship with ourself, we won’t be able to see or receive that love. And something I bet many of us are in poor relationship with, is our body.

 We believe we have to look a certain way to be loved. We believe we have to look a certain way to be accepted. You are giving your power away. This means when people tell us things about our body, when people judge us for it, when we don’t get enough likes on a selfie, when we believe the opposite sex will only like us if we look a certain way, we will believe them, we’ll think what they say is valid. But, try to understand that just as you are now, love is your birthright, and not love from others, but love of self. Love from life. Life expresses itself in many different ways, and they are all beautiful. It is we who decide to accept limits on beauty. Do trees judge one another for not having enough leaves, or being too tall? Does one tree think badly of itself because it has too many branches? Does a palm tree think it’s ugly because it isn’t an oak?

 Yes it sucks to be picked on or judged harshly by others, but there’s a good chance you are in the habit of picking on and harshly judging yourself. And one of the most subtle ways we do that is when we look in the mirror. Or for some of us, avoid the mirror. We put ourselves down. We wish it was somehow different than it is. We wish our skin was lighter or darker or smoother. We wish our ears weren’t so big. Or our hands weren’t so small. We wish we looked more like that person. We wish we looked less like this person. Our body isn’t meeting some imaginary standard society has set for it. It isn’t meeting the imaginary perfect version that we have set for it. We’ve bought into the notion that beauty is objective, and not in the eye of the beholder. We’ve bought into the notion that there is a perfect body type that is the definition of beautiful, and it isn’t ours. Skinny girls want bigger boobs. Curvy girls want to be thinner. Fat guys want to be skinny. Skinny guys want to be muscular. Some of us are not even aware that this is a form of self-loathing.

 Accepting your body, and creating a healthy body image is a great way to allow more love into your life. Or if you continue with a deflated body image, it’s a great way to consistently disempower yourself. Think about how many times a day this affects you. Every time you go to the bathroom there is a mirror. Every photo that gets taken. Every time you catch your reflection in something. If every time this happens you perpetuate this cycle of putting yourself down, that is daily disempowerment. If every time you see yourself you continue the cycle of thinking, “I wish my body was different.” Or, “I hate this about my body.” Or, “My body is fine, only if this were different.” Or a resigned, “I look fine, but wow, I really wish I looked like that girl, or that guy, they are actually pretty.” You are depriving yourself of a moment to catch the unconscious judgment, and shift into a moment of self love.

 We have enough to worry about in life to be okay carrying around a load of shame and loathing for the way our body looks. Something we only have a certain amount of control over.  So I’ll ask you again, how is your body image? How well do you relate to your body?

 To begin to relate to your body in a better way, you first have to understand something: You are not your body. You. Are. Not. Your. Body. You have a body. But who you are. What you are. What makes you you is not the makeup of your physical body. It is not the color of your skin. Or the way your hair is frizzy and curly. It is not the shape of your nose. Or the size of your thighs. The beauty of who you are, can not be confined to something so trivial. But it can be found in it. And you will hide the beauty of who you are, if you believe that you are your body, and that your body is less than beautiful. You will hide the beauty of who you are from others, if you do not learn to see that beauty for yourself. And let me tell you, you are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are a unique part of the whole of humanity. You are a unique part of the whole of life. And you deserve to value yourself.

 You might think that because I’m a handsome actor guy I might not know anything about this. But I have my own body image conversations. I grew up with friends who we’re all two years older than me. So they hit puberty before me. And they were those naturally muscular, zero body-fat type of guys. And I was shorter, and a little chunkier. So growing up, I was always comparing my body, the body I had, to theirs, the body I wished I had. So even when I grew a little taller and lost the chunkiness, I was still comparing my body to those other bodies. Now I was no longer chunky, I was skinny, but now I held the belief that I was too skinny. I didn’t have enough muscle. Even when I tried to work out. I was skinny-fat. I was skinny, but I had a little belly. I still had my body that I was reluctant to accept, and then a body that I wished I had. That was my reality for a long time. That was my body image. I am too chunky. I am too short. I am too skinny. I am too skinny-fat.  And those thoughts still come up and I have to catch myself, and choose something different. Choose a more loving view of myself. Because I want a life where I value myself. I want a life where I love myself. A life where I see myself as beautiful. A life where I am on my own side.  

 A few years ago I saw a picture from Burning Man of me with my shirt off, and it’s not that I was the muscular guy I always thought I wanted to be, but I finally saw myself in an almost neutral way. I saw this body that I had always thought wasn’t quite right, this body that when the picture was taken I still held the belief that my body wasn’t quite right, and I saw it anew from an emotionally neutral place. I thought. There’s my body. There I am. It’s perfect. It wasn’t that I needed to shift into thinking I had the sexiest body in the world and get all arrogant about it, but it was totally liberating to see it and accept it wholly for what it was. Without unnecessary judgments. And without the emotion that comes with those judgments. I didn’t need to get that dream body to change how I felt about my body. I just needed to change how I was relating to it.

 It all begins with comparison. At some point in our life, we see some version of a body that we idealize and make the benchmark for beauty. And then we constantly compare our body to it, which of course it is not going to match, and then we create a belief based on that comparison. I am too skinny. I am too fat. I wish my hips were bigger. I wish my hips were smaller. I wish I had big lips. I wish I was Latin. I wish I was White. I wish I was less Black. I wish I was more Black. Everyone, no matter who they are, does this. The girl you think is the most beautiful girl in the world struggles with body image. The guy you think is the perfect version of a man, struggles with body image.

 It is a part of life that we all can get more skillful at. Because the comparisons are everywhere. Especially in the marketing of our society. We are constantly shown these ideals for how we should look or be. We are constantly shown ideals for the definition of beauty. As if it is something only some of us get to be, or something that we have to change ourselves to become. Something we have to buy this product for, and buy this surgery for, and change this, and do that. But right now, just as you are, you are fucking beautiful. Learn to see that. You deserve to see that.

 You are beautiful right now, just as you are. Let’s learn to believe that. Let’s get into the habit of reminding ourselves of that. Let’s start there, and then we can understand that there is a spectrum of our body that is in our power to change. There are certain things you can explore. You can play with different hair colors. You can work out to put on muscle or get stronger. You can get piercings, or tattoos. You can dress in certain ways. Some of our image is in our control. Some of how we express our body image is in our control. But the goal is to have that come from a place of self-worth, of self-expression, not of changing our current body because it is not good enough.

 You want to shift from wanting to lose weight because you hate your body, to wanting to lose weight because you love your body and want to take care of it. You want to shift from wanting to workout because you think you should, to wanting to workout to challenge yourself. You want to shift to wanting to eat healthy food because you want to look a certain way which will make you feel good, to wanting to eat healthy food because it will make you feel good, from the inside out. You want to shift from wanting to change your hair color because your current hair color is stupid and ugly, to wanting to change your hair color because it sounds like a fun thing to try. You want to shift to accepting, or working on your body, not trying to make your body look like someone else’s.

 Life Survival Tip #16: Create a positive relationship to your body. Make your body image conversation one that is between you and you. Not a comparison with everyone else’s. Understand that these bodies love to move, you don’t have to be a gym fanatic, but make some level of exercise part of your routine. Learn to appreciate your body. Learn about ways to nourish your body and take care of it. It’s the only one you get. You can affect it to a certain degree, but your life will be so much more enjoyable if you accept it for what it is. For how it is. For that freckle you have that no one else does. For the way your feet look like hobbit feet. For that birth mark you have. Learn to see the beauty. Your body is a gift. It is unique to you just like you are unique to the world. Learn to catch yourself when you are putting your body and therefore yourself down. When you’re wishing it was different. Get active in creating a positive body image. Get present to how beautiful you are. Understand that you are not your body. Write yourself little reminder notes on the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes and say:

You are enough.

You are beautiful.

I love you.

“Self-esteem is made up primarily of two things: feeling lovable and feeling capable.”  --Jack Canfield

Welcome to Devon’s Life Survival Guide. Do you consider yourself shy? Do you feel paralyzing social anxiety? Do you want to be more confident and courageous? Let’s talk about it.

 Shyness. First off, let me fill you in on something. You are not alone in this. We ALL feel awkward sometimes. We ALL feel shyness at times. Some of us are just better at hiding it or conquering it. I seem like a confident, extroverted, guy right? But I do not always feel that way. Sometimes I feel really shy and introverted, like when I show up somewhere and I don’t know a lot of people. I get anxiety. I feel afraid. I would rather not talk. If I we’re a turtle I would pull my head and all my limbs into my shell. Ah, to be a turtle.

 You are not a turtle. And you never will be. Sorry. But if you were, would you really want to stay inside your shell your whole life? Only coming out when you are alone? Would that serve you in living the life you want to live? Experiencing the things you want to experience? Would you be fulfilled living like that?

 Or is your social anxiety something you want to get past? Is your shyness something you want to let go of? Is feeling afraid of people something you want to get better at?

 Social anxiety is not really something there is an on/off switch for. But with practice, it is something that you can get better at, and maybe one day, barely feel it at all. But like so much of our growth, it is something you will have to work at, fail at, try at, fall down, and get back up. It is something you will have to actively conquer. Chances are, it won’t just go away. You have to train yourself to remember that whatever the fear is telling you, whatever you are believing about that fear, is not nearly as bad as you think it is.  You have to train yourself to remember your value within a space, you have something to say, something to offer, you are allowed to be here. You have to train yourself to move through the fear.

 I get it. People are scary. But let me fill you in a secret, everyone is scared. We’re all walking around afraid of each other, isn’t that a funny concept? Actually take that in. All the people you are scared of because you think they are so much more confident and intimidating and interesting and comfortable with themselves, they feel fear just like you do. They want to fit in just like you do. They want to feel connection just like you do. They want to feel free to be themselves just like you do. Some people have gotten better at it than others, but I promise you they can relate to your shyness.

 Shyness is something that we feed. It is not an innate condition. We allow it to grow. As you grow up, you feel a little shy in front of adults, and maybe your parents apologize to people for you, they say “Oh sorry, she’s just shy. Oh don’t take it personal, he’s just a little shy.” And school is so many people and noises and feelings and emotions, so you feel shy there too. It starts to grow in you. You start to believe that there is some innate unchangeable part of you that is shy. You start to believe it is not something that you can get over. You train yourself in shy behaviors, like reading books in empty corners, avoiding people in the hallways, getting embarrassed, looking away when people make eye contact with you. You learn to mumble rather than speak clearly. You believe you are shy, so you become shy. And by the time you’ve grown up a bit the social anxiety you have feels so big and real that you think you can’t overcome it.

 You get to realize you played a part in it’s growth. You are not a victim of it. Every time you acted out of your shyness instead of out of your courage and desire to overcome it. Every time you mumbled instead of used your voice. Every time you wanted to talk to someone and didn’t. Every time you went out of your way to avoid someone rather than approach them. It’s all choices my friends.

 And look, if you want to stay shy and socially anxious and isolated, that is totally fine. You can live your life that way if it works for you. You are allowed to do that. But if it’s not working for you, which chances are, it isn’t, if you want to feel connection and confidence, if you want to let go of the fear, if you dream of a life where you are not so shy, then you get to make choices to make that dream a reality. It is not just going to go away.

 Just like you play a part in the growth of your shyness, you can play a part in the growth of your confidence.  I equate confidence to trust in oneself. When I am trusting myself, you will see it as confidence. So you need to train your ability to trust yourself.  Let’s talk about ways how.

 One of the best ways to build self-trust and confidence is to keep the promises you make to yourself. Put value in your word. When you say you are going to do something, do it, no matter what, even if fear comes up.

We all make promises to ourselves on a day-to-day basis: I’m going to work out tomorrow. I’m going to change my diet tomorrow. I’m going to stand up to that person. I’m going to have that conversation. I’m going to change this. I’m going to do that. Practice catching some of those thoughts, and make a commitment to following through with them. It will be uncomfortable at first. You will face obstacles. You will face inner resistance. But the more you do it, the easier it will be. And when you give someone your word, when you say you are going to be somewhere, when you make plans, follow through with them. Every time you go back on your word you diminish your confidence.

 Another great way to build confidence is to get better at being brave. Life Survival Tip #14: You can be scared and brave at the same time. Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it is taking action in light of feeling fear. Commit to doing something brave every single day for a two weeks and at the end of it, you will find it easier and be able to do braver and braver things. This doesn’t mean run into burning buildings, this means, do what is brave for you. If it feels brave for you to make eye contact with somebody, that’s something you can do. If it feels brave for you to call up a family member to say hello, that’s something you can do. If it feels brave for you to sing a song in public, that’s something you can do.

 We all have moments throughout the day where a desire to do something pops up, and then our fear quickly squashes it, and we can either act out of bravery, or give in to the fear. Get good at spotting those moments, and choosing bravery.

 See, fear acts as this cocoon around us. We can’t see through it so our imagination comes up with all the terrible things that could be on the other side. Discomfort. Humiliation. Embarrassment. Someone thinking we are weird. The truth is, whatever you think will be the magnitude of this imagined outcome, will probably be cut in half when it actually happens. It won’t be as bad as you think it will be.

 SO here’s my bravery challenge for you, you’re gonna love this, and by love this, I mean be terrified by it. When you are out in public and feeling really shy, at a party, or gathering, or school or work event, when you are somewhere with a lot of people and you are feeling trapped by your anxiety…dance. Yes I said it. Dance. And dance weird. It doesn’t matter if there is music actually playing, find a beat in your head. Remember to breathe, and just move your body, do a little dance, a little jig, be weird about it.  Shut your eyes if you want. Hum if you want. Make noise. And move.

 And if someone asks about it, don’t go into explanation and apology mode, “Oh I just am really shy and Devon told me to do this thing and sorry and blah blah blah blah.” Do not apologize for it. Own it. Just say nothing. Or “I was just dancing,” or “I was just having fun.” Or better yet, “Here do it with me.”

 Being brave enough to dance and be weird in public is going to remind you that it’s not that bad, that thing you are afraid of isn’t nearly as bad as you are making it seem. The worst that’s going to happen is you might get some weird looks. So what? Someone might make fun of you. So what? Chances are it might lead to some conversations. Or at least a little laugh with yourself. The person who will judge you or make fun of you for this, secretly wishes they could be that brave, they are now more afraid of you than you are of them. And a lot of people will see this, and feel better about themselves, they’ll feel more free to express themselves, and they might thank you for it.

 Life Survival Tip #15: Embarrassment is a choice. Let your freak flag fly. Be brave enough to be yourself. Be brave enough to be different. Be brave enough to be weird. Be brave enough to be kind. Bravery isn’t something some people are born with and some people aren’t, it is a choice, something you can get better at. It’s a muscle you can grow. Don’t worry so much what other people think about you, because they are scared too. Your bravery will give others permission to be brave. Your weirdness will give others permission to be weird. And it can set you free.

 Let me tell you, shyness and social anxiety is one of the top things you guys have been asking for tips on, which leads me to believe you are often in rooms full of shy, socially anxious people, all walking around afraid of each other, afraid to express themselves, longing for connection, joy, freedom, and giggles. You can be the source of opening up, of putting yourself out there, which might make other people ready to put themselves out there too. You have the power. You can overcome your shyness. And give people the courage to get over theirs. If it’s not enough to do it for yourself, do it for all the other shy people out there!

 I’ll finish with a story from my life. One time I was with two friends and we showed up to this amazing dance club overlooking the ocean in Mexico. This amazing setting with amazing music playing. A dance floor lit with colorful LED lights. Tons of people standing around it, not dancing. Now, my friends and I could have waited on the outside of the dance floor like everyone else, waiting for permission to have fun, afraid of being the only ones out there, afraid of being seen, afraid of what people would think, but we just went for it. Three of us, the only ones on the entire dance floor grooving our hearts out. People noticed us for sure. We got some weird looks. We got some smiles. We got some pointing and laughing. But next thing we knew, one more person joined us. And then another. And then another. And pretty soon the whole dance floor was full of people enjoying themselves and dancing. And to top it all off, the next song was a dance remix of Adele’s “Set Fire To The Rain.”  The song played and above us, through the open roof, fireworks went off. This is one of my favorite memories and life lessons. And a reminder that I can invite others out of their fear, and into their fun. Go set fire to the rain. Go find your fireworks. Get out of your comfort zone. Be brave!

Welcome back to Devon’s Life Survival Guide. For those of who have followed the first 12 episodes of Season 1, thank you. I took a long break to promote a film I was in called Sundown, and then to shoot a new movie called Where’s The Money with Andrew Bachelor and Logan Paul. I am so happy to be back, bringing you weekly installments about ways to not only survive life, but enjoy and live a meaningful life.  And remember, this is a conversation, so write to me in the comments, share it with friends, let’s get in the habit of discussing more than just Game of Thrones and Justin Bieber’s new haircut, although there’s a time and a place for that. Let’s get in the habit of thinking about more than just school, and boyfriends, and work, and money, and movies, and so on. This series is about reflecting on our life, and unpacking some of our fears and insecurities, it’s about discovering something about ourselves, and hopefully creating a space for some new habits or actions to be implemented.

 We live in a society that is educating us from the time we are born about what it means to be in this society, about a  particular version of history, and math and science and jobs and money and what to buy and what to wear and what to think and celebrities and the lottery and all of this outer stuff that we are supposed to focus on that we sometimes never learn to take a moment to look inward. We aren’t really taught how to relate to all of this inner stuff. We go around knowing all these things, and accumulating all this knowledge and all these facts and opinions and judgments, without spending as much time asking, “Who am I that is doing all this knowing?” We go around feeling so much, or feeling so numb, but we don’t spend as much time asking, “Who am I that is doing all this feeling?”

 So let me ask you, how well do you know yourself? How well can one “know thyself”? as the Greek saying goes..

 I meet way too many people who tell me who they are by defining who they are not, “I’m this type of person, or that type of person, and I’m not that type of person.” If you say so.

 See, you’ve accumulated all these facts and opinions about yourself, “I like chocolate, hate almonds, my favorite color is yellow, I’m socially anxious, I hate public speaking, my nose is ugly, my shoulders are gorgeous, I’m such a dork, I’m not brave, ” We decide these things about ourselves and think that’s who we are. But that isn’t who you are.

 I think we get too focused on defining ourselves through labels and our opinions and our fears. Especially growing up. It becomes a way of distinguishing ourselves, a way of finding where we fit in, and where we don’t. It’s not such a bad thing, but as much as we feel like we are defining who we are, making who we are more clear to us and others, every label actually limits who we are in some way.  When you become so identified with a label that you forget you are limitless, then all you have done is stepped into a cage with the key in your pocket.

  Rather than trying to define yourself with these labels of identification (goth, jock, nerd, awkward, rebel, shy, brave, loud, overly sensitive, difficult, depressed, virgo, libra, ADHD) understand that you are SO much more than any label could grasp, you are all of the labels and more. Understand that you might be shy in some situations, and totally comfortable in others. You might be a coward when it comes to romantic relationships, but incredibly brave when it comes to your family or friends. Understand that maybe you need to see more, travel more, experience more, maybe you need to gather more information before you try and define yourself so surely.  Maybe you need to give yourself time. Maybe you need to go and push and stretch yourself, before you know what you are really made of. Maybe you need to listen less to the voice that tells you how small and worthless and limited you are, and more to that small voice that whispers you can do anything.

 Life Survival Tip #13: Allow space to surprise yourself. Can you do that? Leave some room in your own understanding, that maybe you are more than you even know, that how you are now, is not necessarily how you will be a month, a year, or five years from now. And you have more power to affect that change than you realize.

 Do not forget that part of you is limitless, if you allow space for that to be true.

We love to think of ourselves as a constant, like when we learn about evolution and the big bang as things that have already happened and not a process that is continually happening. Continually unfolding. Something that we are a part of. You are the big bang. You are in the big bang. You are in evolution.  

 When you get on board with that, rather than trying to constantly define yourself as this static thing, it is like surfing the waves, rather than trying to tread water in the same place as the waves crash over you. To further that metaphor, the waves are going to come, and they are going to take you somewhere, that you can’t control, whether on the board or treading water, but at least surfing you have some say, you can find some style and flow with it, you can embrace the forces of nature and create your ride.

 When you approach yourself with the understanding that evolution is your nature, it gives you somewhere to go, it gives you some room to grow.

 I think we have a problem with identity in our society. What we think we are. What we think makes us us. We get caught up identifying with such small things, only a small part of the picture. We get caught up identifying with what isn’t actually us, with things that could change at any moment, sure, they may be traits we are expressing, they may be things we feel or think at this moment, they may be something someone called us, it might be something a doctor diagnosed, but that still isn’t who we are.

 YOU are not depressed. You may experience depression. You may struggle with depression. But that is not who, or what you are. You might experience disease, but you are not your disease. You are not your opinions. You are not what people say about you. You are probably not even what you say about yourself.

 So when we are looking for a starting point to answer that big question, we have to ask What about me will not change? What about me cannot change? And from there we can begin to ask Who Am I? What Am I?

 There is a chance that right after you ask that, there will be this small space before all your thoughts start up again, and I’d guess the answer is somewhere in that space.

 I think we need to remember those things that make us all same, the truth that we are all part of the same thing before we can effectively understand those specific things that makes us unique. I think we need to remember above all else, we are all humans on Earth, before we are an American, or African, or British, or French, before we are a Christian, or Muslim, before we are gay or straight. Bigger than all of those differences is the truth of what makes us the same. And we have to allow that truth to penetrate our reality, more than we allow the smaller ideas of what makes us different. We need to allow the big picture to move us, before we can fully appreciate and understand the specifics. And if who you think you are, requires other people who you think are different, to not be a part of your big picture, then you are going to live a very insecure life.

 At this moment, we all have these things we know about ourselves. Like me, for instance: I am 25, I am a little brother to my sister, I am an artist/actor/musician/writer, I am committed to fulfilling my dreams, I am committed to making a difference in the world, I am committed to my relationship, sometimes I get really uncomfortable with small talk, sometimes I get really socially anxious when in a room full of people I don’t know, I am terrible at calling and texting people back, I have a hard time staying organized and organizing my time, I can be really lazy, sometimes I get stuck in overwhelming doubt that I can’t do it, sometimes I get deeply insecure about my life, I love Radiohead in a way that is hard to describe, I have a hard time listening to a lot of rap music and country music because of the lyrical content, and on and on and on and on. These are all things I don’t just know, but I believe to be true about myself. There are some things like, I am a little brother to my sister, that is not going to change. But occasionally I’ll become aware of something I am believing about myself, or the world, that I do want to change. Let’s take the thought “I can be really lazy.” Now I phrased that in a way, that leaves room for change. But what I used to believe is “I am really lazy.” Now, if that is something that I believe, then my actions will come from that place. I will do things to confirm that story. And when it gets confirmed, I get to be right. I get to say, “Yep, I was right, I’m lazy, here I am doing that lazy stuff again instead of all the stuff I should be doing.” I get to be right, as if, me being lazy is something intrinsic in my being, something I cannot change.

 But you have the power to adjust your beliefs, if you can become aware of them first. I can become aware that I am believing the story that I am lazy. That I keep telling myself that story and confirming it with my actions. But with being aware of it, I can stop telling that story. Just stop telling it. I can re-write it. I can tell a new story. I am not lazy. I can be lazy. But I can also be more than that. I can be productive. I can be committed. So then when I catch myself about to make a lazy choice, I can now choose a different action, I can stop confirming the old story. Get it?

 Don’t be so quick to accept limitations.

 What I invite you to do is check in with where you are right now. Write down a list of all of the things that you know about yourself, all the things you believe about yourself. It can be a long list. Really get in there and do your best to get clear on what you believe. What do you believe about yourself? In relation to your family? The opposite sex? Your future? Your past? The world? God? Hope? Pain? Your body? What virtues do you care most about? Do you live by them?  Check in if any of those beliefs or stories have become outdated, if they don’t ring true, if you want to adjust, expand, or straight up delete any of the items on your list. Because what we believe about ourselves and the world, is what shapes our world and our experience of it. Beliefs shape reality. And we all have some limiting beliefs in us that are shaping a more difficult reality.  Do your best at this exercise and see what opens up.

 And understand we all have blindspots, beliefs we can’t see because they are so attached to how we see life. This is why we must be diligent. We must seek out mirrors that help us see into the blindspots. Therapy. Counseling. A Life Coach. Books. Workshops. Support Groups. We don’t have to go it alone. Get good at finding those beliefs that no longer serve you, and letting them go. Get good at creating a life where you matter, where you are empowered to make a difference. The Serenity Prayer goes, “Lord, Universe, Big Kahuna, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

   Feels good to be back friends. As always, thank you for being here, comment below your experience or thoughts on this, share it with friends, subscribe. The Guide Season 1 continues !!!

Devon’s Life Survival Guide (Season 1) Episode 18: Trusting the Process!

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Welcome to the guide, tell me if any of these sound like you.You feel like you’re late to the game, like you are already behind everyone else. You’ve written off aspects of life like they are just some things that are for other people but not for you. You feel like you will never have a good relationship or a best friend. You believe you will never be desired. You’ve always wanted to do something but you believe it’s too late like, play an instrument, or learn to paint or learn woodcarving. You feel like you’ve missed some important opportunities along the way and because you mishandled them, you believe that you are living in a life that is less than what it is supposed to be. You feel like you are referable broken or damaged because of something you did in the past or something someone else did to you. Do any of those resonate? are any of those things dominating your worldview? Let’s talk about it!

This week, I want to talk about one of the most powerful statements you can remind yourself of daily. I am just beginning.

One of my favourite people in the whole world of fantastic acting coach, has all of her students write on their front door, a big note that says “I am just beginning”. She asked that every time they walk through that door to go out into the world, they remind themselves of that note.

Say it to yourself. Allow it into your being.

I. Am. Just. Beginning.

Do you feel it? How full of possibility it is? How full of joy and opens it is? How full of acceptance it is?

Beginners are allowed to be messy. They’re allowed to be sloppy, imperfect. Beginners are allowed to try. They’re allowed to fail. They’re allowed to fall.

Have you ever watched a baby learning how to walk? I mean, could you imagine if the first few times you fell down trying to walk as a baby, you gave up right there? If you said “this is stupid, walking is dumb, i look dumb, walking is for other people but not for me” (laughs)

Life Survival Tip #18: Trust the Process. Trust the process. You see, at some point in our lives we started to believe that we should be farther along than we actually are and then came the self-loathing. The defeated self-image.

At some point in our lives, we started to believe that we should be experts on the first try. So, we stopped trying. Somewhere along the way, we stopped trusting the process. You see a baby trust the process. A baby intuitively knows that if it keeps trying to walk or talk, it will eventually figure it out. A baby intuitively trusts that the failing and falling is a part of the process of growth.

Many of us place so much importance on all the bad that has happened to us along the way. All the mistakes, all the injustice is, all the missed opportunities. We build up a story that the world is passing us by. We build up a story that we are one interesting, unworthy or untalented. We believe that there’s this other life that we should be living. This other life that is supposed to be happening but we are trapped in this lesser life.

We build up a story that our life is less than great. That we are less than great and we believe it so strongly, that is becomes our reality. Birthdays come and we feel anxiety or grief or complacency. We might be 21 or 31 or 51 but we tell ourselves, we’re old and our life is almost over.

Something really bad might have happened to us along the way. Something out of our control and it might have made us forget that we can overcome anything. That we are worthy of a beautiful life. That we are strong and beautiful and that our life is happening in the present moment, not in the pains of the past.

A good thing to understand is that there’s nothing wrong with you for getting caught in that trap. For building that negative story. Our brain is set up by evolution to place importance on the negative aspects in our life because when the main functions of life is to evolve, to perpetuate more life, so life naturally remembers those times we felt scared, hurt, in danger, uncomfortable, disappointed, the times we didn’t get the thing we thought we wanted. Our brain remembers it and reminds us of it, so that we can avoid it in the future. That we can avoid feeling those pains in the future.

So, there’s nothing wrong with you for doing it. It is totally natural, but it will serve you to learn how to include but transcend that nature. Just because our brains do it, doesn’t mean we can’t work with it in a better way.

It will serve you to understand that what we focus on, we create. What we vibrate, we attract. What we resist, persists. So, if your mantra is, don’t mess up, don’t mess up, don’t mess up, there’s a good chance you’re going to mess up because you’re coming from the belief that there’s a good chance you’re gonna mess up. But if you can shift that same awareness into the mantra, I’m capable, I’m capable, I’m capable or I got this, I got this, I got this, you’re going to have a much better chance at success and you’re going to be in a much better state of being to enjoy the process.

So, let’s say you’ve been hurt really bad in relationships and you still carry that hurt strongly within you. Chances are, this has led to a belief system that sounds something like

“I always get hurt in relationships. Nobody’s ever gonna love me like I love them. All guys are assholes or all girls are crazy” and an outward intention that sounds something like “Please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me” you’re gonna want to shift those beliefs around into something that will actually attract what you want. You’re going to want to shift those beliefs around into something that attracts what you actually want, not avoid what you don’ t want. Something that sounds like “I deserve a great partner. I am creating new habits in relationship. I cherish myself and I only want someone who cherishes me” and an outward intention that sounds something like “Love me as I am, love me as I am, love me as I am”.

This applies to all aspects of our life. Not just romantic relationships. It applies to our beliefs around friendships, career, everything.

DEVON’S LIFE SURVIVAL GUIDE (SEASON 1)

EPISODE 17: READY FOR THE ONE?

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This is Devon’s Life Survival Guide. Welcome to Episode 17! We’re talking about ways to improve our relationship to life. So, let’s talk about one of those key components to life and love relationships. I’m not talking about if you’re just having fun or it’s no big deal kind of relationships, because those aren’t going anywhere anyways. I’m talking about reciprocated feelings. The love of another. A committed partnership. A teammate. A best friend and a lover. I bet you think you’re ready for that. But are you really?

In episode 4 of the Life Survival Guide, entitled ‘If You Build It, They Will Come’, I talk about how you first got to know how to love yourself before you are ready to receive the love of another. If you haven’t watched it already, I recommend you watching it now. I actually wear the same shirt in it. But lets talk about that a bit more.

Of course a lot of you want to be in a relationship. Of course you want to engage with another person. In the exploration of love and sexuality and understanding. Of course you want another person to bring more meaning into your life. But the truth is, most of us aren’t ready. We engage in relationships before we’re ready to understand them. We engage in relationships before we’re ready to understand ourselves. We engage in relationships before we’ve learned the tools to really try and make one work. We enter in relationships before we’ve learned to be okay on our own. And before we’ve learned what being on our own means to us.

So many of us are hopping from relationship to relationship trying to be valued, before we’ve learned that we can value ourself. Not being able to be okay on your own, not valuing your solitude, is gonna be a problem if you think you’re ready for a great and successful relationship.  And I think that’s where so many of us are at these days. I mean, do you know how to be genuinely okay on your own? Do you make sure that you have time alone? Is that important to you? Because these days, some of us are never alone. With Instagram. Facebook & Twitter, even when we’re physically alone, we can be counting our likes and retweets. With SnapChat, even those little moments throughout the day where we find something amusing, we can now film it and send to all our friends. Some of us are going around every single day, sharing our life with others. Before we’ve learned how to appreciate it for ourself. Before we’ve learned how to live it for ourself.

Life Survival Tip #17: Learn How To Enjoy Your Solitude.

Practice being alone and not just being alone. Learn how to genuinely, enjoy alone time. Learn how to cherish alone time. And this doesn’t mean you have to move to Siberia for a year. This doesn’t mean you can’t have friends or a social life. This doesn’t mean becoming an anti-social cave troll. You can practice enjoying your solitude and still have a life. You can practice your solitude in a relationship even. What this means, is creating a good relationship with yourself. It means setting aside time for you to just be. Not connect with others. Not on your phone. Not going over checklists in your mind. It means when deep feelings of loneliness rise, learning to face them. And be with them. Instead of reaching for the nearest distraction. Becoming skillful at being alone, at valuing your solitude. Will deepen your life and teach you things about yourself, you cannot learn from anyone else. And it is an important skill to bring to a relationship.

Relationships are some of the most rewarding and most challenging experiences any of us will engage in, in our life. Most of them will end. Many will be unhealthy. Half of marriages, lifelong commitments, fail at some point. The two parties give up, they grow apart, they reach an in past, or one of them sabotages it. Now, some people lose faith in the institution of marriage. Some people think it’s because monogamy is against our nature. Maybe. But I think it’s because a successful relationship takes work and skill and understanding, that most of us aren’t ready for, when we enter them. It takes a lot of tools and skills to keep that ship sailing towards a hopeful horizon.

To go the distance. You wouldn’t just hop in a sailboat and sail around the world, would you? No, you would prepare. You would acquire the tools necessary. You would learn the proper skills to attempt the trip. You would train your body and mind. You would ready yourself. And you would probably have a support team to help you. More of us need to approach relationships like that.

So give yourself time. Prepare yourself. Learn the skills it takes to make a great relationship work. Communication. Honesty. Listening. Devotion. Dedication. Self reflections. Self awareness. The ability to gracefully take criticism. The ability to draw boundaries. Commitment to growth. A willingness to try new things. A willingness to accept help. Practice these things in your day-to-day life. Because great, lasting relationships do not just happen. They are created by both partners. So you’re going to need to show up as a full partner. You’re going to need to know what that means.

True love. The one. Soulmates. It isn’t enough. Some of us will just get lucky and in our stumbling through life, will find the right one and the will to make it work. But most of us, don’t get to just find that. If we haven’t taken the time to find ourself. If we don’t value our solitude. We’ll give our heart away to someone that isn’t ready. We’ll give our heart away to someone who won’t cherish it. Who won’t honour it. We’ll commit to someone who deep down know, isn’t right for us because we’re afraid to be alone.

So you can believe in true love. In the one. In soulmates. I do. But my advice is to live as if you might not meet your one in this life. Accept that they might not be here this time around. And learn what it means to enjoy your time anyway. Be open to enjoying your life on your own. Discover what your path is. What you want to do in life. What brings you joy all on your own. What moves you at the core of your being. What you lose track of time doing. What you wanna give to the world. Discover a vision for your life. A direction you want it to go in. Seek that more than you seek a partner. Work for that more than you work for someone else’s love. This is so important to bring to a relationship. This is so important to have an idea of before you are ready to do the dance of creating a vision with another person. Before you are ready to do the dance of compromise and building a life with another person.

Get to know what your life means to you. So you can really know what it means to share it with another person. So you can know how to feel when a relationship is off balance and how to make adjustments. You got to have a good idea of what your life path is. So you don’t get lost walking along side one another. A successful relationship has to be two whole human beings coming together to create something more. Not two halves coming together to try and create a whole. Any successful relationship takes commitment. Most of us don’t understand the weight of that word. It means being able to choose love and see things through, even when things are really hard. Especially when they’re really hard.

When you’re triggered into your defence mechanisms. It means when your self preservation is telling you to run, but you stay and do your best to communicate with love. It means when things are so messy and the communication has gotten so tangled up, that’s hard for you to see how you’ll ever make it through, and come back together on the other side. But you figure it out. It means when your partner isn’t showing up as their best but you figure out how to meet them with love and space to move through it.

You’re going to want to find someone who is worth the work, who is worth figuring it out with, because every relationship is work and because we are all crazy. The common denominator in all your past relationships not working out, is you. But not everyone you date is gonna be worth you trying to overcome yourself. Everyone deserves love but not everyone you try to date, deserves your love. Sometimes it’s just not the right fit, so you have high standards. Only commit to someone who you feel inspired to do the work with. Someone who evokes a big enough vision for your life together, that you’re willing to work through the tough times. And someone, who feels the same way about you.

Do you hear me? Yes. There can be a short period of time where one partner has to realize how much they like the other. But that’s it. A short period of time. I’m sorry to say this and I wish my younger self knew it, but once you get put in the friend zone, it’s time to say goodbye. I know it’s hard. I know. I been there. But don’t be great friends with someone you actually want to be with and you’re secretly hoping one day, they come around and realize how much they love you. It’s not fair to you or them.

The friend zone, is bullshit. It’s sugar coated rejection perpetuated by both people. If you want to be friends with them by all means, be their friend. But friends don’t get jealous. Friends don’t look for opportunities to make a move. They don’t see breakups as opportunities. So I know this is hard, but if you want more and you get put in the friend zone, you’d be wise to respectfully say goodbye.

So prepare for your amazing relationship and understand that we might not ever know when we’re ready. Sometimes the right person just comes along and you just gotta go for it from where you’re at. The goal is to be in the middle of your fabulous life. Mid step. Mid dance and have someone come along who makes your heart skip a beat. But do your best to set yourself up for success. For when that time comes.

I am grateful for every relationship I’ve been in. But because I learn somethings. I grew. In each relationship led me to the next place in my life. They were all teachers. I don’t have regrets but looking back, I could see why they didn’t work. I can see all the mistakes and misunderstandings I was bringing to the table. And that’s a great experience, those are all lessons. It’s not about wrong or right. It’s about learning what works and doesn’t work for you in relationship. And continuing to bringing a better version of yourself next time.

Life moves forward and I grew and I learned. With some luck and grace, I stumbled upon Sara. And I found someone who showed me what it really means to be committed.

Let me tell you, love is challenging. It feels like I’ve grown more in the last two years, than the previous twenty-three. Love from me should be exhilarating and terrifying. It should be confronting and up lifting. It should be serious work and silly, silly play. It requires consistent presence, patience and perseverance. And I wouldn’t be able to do it, if I hadn’t fallen in love with life before falling in love with Sara. Before meeting Sara, I could genuinely picture my life without a lifelong partner because I learned to be content being my own partner. Start there. So you can move through life with self worth and self love and then you’ll really be able to recognize when someone is worth stopping and changing your course for. And when you’re gonna be with someone, don’t be one foot in, one foot out. Don’t do that to yourself or them. Find someone who it’s worth being fully in with. Find someone who wants to be fully in with you. Don’t spend too much time in the unclear. Don’t spend too much time second guessing, if you want to be with someone. Or being okay with someone’s second guessing if they want to be with you. Doesn’t have to be like that. Good love is strong and clear. It’s work, yes, but it’s also easy. It’s not unrequited. It’s not unbalanced. It’s not abusive. It’s not drama. It doesn’t put you in the friend zone.