Me: Kicks the door down looking panicked

Lucifer: What did you do?

Me: Nobody died.

Lucifer: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Me: I CAN’T DO IT!

Lucifer, laughing hysterically: I CAN’T EITHER!

Me: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

Mammon, scared: WELL I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT US.

Me:

Me: I appreciate it,

Me: BUT LOOK WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH-

Levi: Ice-

Me: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

Asmo: Ice we gotta-

Me: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

Me: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY ‘What am I willing to put up with today?’

Me, motioning to the HOL burning in the distance: NOT FUCKING THIS

Ice: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Levi: Self-esteem, haven’t seen you in years!

Mammon: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Belphie: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Asmo: My moral code, is that you?

Ice:

Ice: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

Diavolo: What’s something you guys are better than Lucifer at? Mammon: Mario Kart.

Levi: Yeah, video games.

Me: Emotional vulnerability.

Me: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.

Lucifer: … Your what?

Me: My friends…?

Mammon: Is she saying “friends”?

Levi: I think she’s being sarcastic.

Asmo: No, no, no, this is delirium, she’s cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Ice! All of your friends are in this room.

Me: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks-

Me: Simeon, I’m sad.

Simeon: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay.

Asmo: Solomon, I’m sad.

Solomon, nodding: mood.

*I'm cooking*

Asmo: Any chance that’s for me?

Ice: It’s for Solomon. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side.

Simeon: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Mammon: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Ice does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?

Satan: If Ice were to jump off a cliff, she would’ve done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Ice jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

Mammon: You jump off a cliff!

Satan: Gladly. Provided Ice did first.

Simeon: How do the brothers usually get out of these messes?

Me: They don’t. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

Me, after someone insults Luke: Is it still murder if I give them a heads up?

Barbatos: That’s called a threat.

Me: … Dammit.

Simeon: *concerned*

Me: I’m so useless

Lucifer: No you’re not

Lucifer: You can be used as a bad example

Diavolo: Let me see what you have

Me: A knife!

Diavolo: Okay, have fu-

Lucifer: NO

Lucifer: I really don’t think you should drink any more coffee today…

Me: Coffee cures depression

Simeon: Ice, I don’t think it works like th-

Me: MORE ESPRESSO LESS DEPRESSO

Me: I can’t go. Stress is bad for the baby.

Lucifer: What baby?

Me: Me.

Me: Are you a cuddler?

Belphie: I AM A MACHINE OF DEATH AND DESTRUC- yeah I’m a cuddler.

Barbatos: Ice! Have you seen the thing?

Me: What thing?

Barbatos, running about and answering distractedly: You know the thing! I seem to have misplaced it and it’s of great importance….

Diavolo bounce into the room: Hi Barbatos!

Barbatos: Ah! There it is!

Me: …

Me: You lost Diavolo

Lucifer: Satan, keep an eye on Mammon today. He’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Satan: Sure, I’d love to see Mammon get punched.

Lucifer: Try again.

Satan, sighing: I will stop Mammon from getting punched.

Me: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Solomon: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!

Me: I’m leaving, and I’M TAKING LUKE WITH ME-

Simeon, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

Levi: I think Ice was right.

Satan: I’m surprised she hasn’t marched in here to say ‘I told you so.’

Mammon: She wouldn’t do that.

Me: You’re right, Mammon. For once in your life, you’re 100% right. I would never say that.

Me: *turns around, the shirt I’m wearing says 'I Told You So’ on the back*

Mammon: *Screams*

Levi: *Screams louder to assert dominance*

Beel: Should we do something?

Me, observing: No, I wanna to see who wins this.

*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

Asmo: Thanks darling!

Satan: Oh no-

Me: *cries* I love you too

Levi: Sounds fake but okay

Mammon: *A flustered mess*

Belphie: Can I get a refund?

Me: Dumbest scar stories, go!

Satan: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.

Asmo: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.

Levi: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.

Mammon: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.

Belphie:

Belphie: I have emotional scars.

Me:

Me: Same bro-

Me: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.

Diavolo : You and me!!!

Me, tearing up: Okay.

Me: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Diavolo : I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Me: Absolutely not.

Me, after almost burning down the HOL: Am I in trouble?

Lucifer : Take a guess.

Me: No?

Lucifer : Take another guess.

Me: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can’t have you ask any questions why.

Solomon : Only if you also don’t ask why

Solomon : *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick. Me:

Solomon :

Me: This one is fine

Satan: Asmo, can I talk to you for a second?

Asmo: Yeah, what’s up? Lemme guess. You and Ice are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?

Satan: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I’ve read books.

Lucifer: I know you snuck out last night, Diavolo.

Me, whispering: Play dumb!

Diavolo : Who’s Diavolo?

Me, whisper-shouting: NOT THAT DUMB!!!

Me, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Satan, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids

Belphie: What the fuck are you guys doing?

Me: Playing systemic oppression

Store Worker: Would a Ms. Ice please come to the front desk?

Me, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker: *points to Mammon and Asmo*

Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?

Mammon and Asmo, simultaneously: We got lost :(

Me: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me wtf-

Asmo: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Lucifer: I’m a knife.

Me, from across the room: He’s the little spoon.

Lucifer, pissed off: Ice…

Me, already running away to find Diavolo:

Mammon: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.

Satan: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Belphie: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Levi: I joined in on the dumb stuff.

Me: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!

Me: Hello, people who do not live here.

Mammon: Hey.

Asmo: Hi!

Lucifer: Hello.

Belphie: Sup.

Satan: Greetings.

Me: I gave you the key for emergencies!

Beel: We were out of Doritos!

Asmo: Why are your tongues purple?

Me: We had slushies. I had a blue one

Satan: I had a red one

Asmo: oh

Asmo:

Asmo: OH

Beel:

Beel: You drank each other’s slushies?

Me: Belphie died of natural reasons

Mammon:

Lucifer:

Satan: You pushed him down the stairs....

Me: Gravity is natural

Belphie, from the bottom of the stairs: Fuck you Ice

Asmo: Alright, so you and I are married.

Me: We are not married.

Asmo: Relax, it’s just pretend.

Me: I don’t wanna pretend.

Asmo: Scared you’ll like it?~

Me: Okay, if we’re married, I want a divorce.

Simeon: Are these two like this all the time?

Lucifer: Yes, yes they are.

Me: I’d die for you

Belphie: Then perish

Beel, Diavolo, and Luke: You will?

Barbatos, Lucifer and Simeon: Please don’t

Satan and Solomon: Cool

Mammon, Leviathan and Asmo: I’d die for you first

Lucifer: I hope you two have an explanation for this.

Mammon: We have three actually

Me: Pick your favorite.

Levi: Sibling relationships are weird.

Levi: Like, I’d give Mammon my kidney but he is not borrowing my charger.

Me: I panic when people compliment me

Me: What the heck am I supposed to say?

Lucifer, walks by: Great job at the student council today, Ice.

Me, panicking: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Simeon: Imagine you’re meeting your younger self. What are you gonna say to them?

Me: …. You survived bitch.

Simeon:

Simeon: You need therapy.

Me: I’m well aware of the fact-

Me: I have adopted Luke, he is now my son, and if I find any of you teasing him *covers Luke’s ears* I’ll [censored] your [censored] and make sure you are [censored].

Simeon: … What did we just witness?

Solomon: Ice being an overprotective Mom Friend™

Belphie: I like your eyebags.

Me: Thanks, they’re designer.

Satan and Me: We have a question

Levi: *rolls his eyes* It better not be something-

Satan and Me: How bad would it be if someone stole an entire section of books from the library?

Belphie: What the fuck-

Satan: It was science! And space!

Me: And it talked about astronauts and aliens and stop looking at me like that!

Me: Hey Belphie, can you pass the salt?

Belphie: Can you pass your classes?

Me: Too much salt…

Kidnapper: We have your girlfriend.

Lucifer: …. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Kidnapper: She made us reevaluate our life choices and now we feel really bad so can you come pick her up?

Lucifer: Oh my Diavolo, you have Ice.

Kidnapper: I’m gonna become a painter.

Me, sitting on the counter in the kitchen: Onion rings are just vegetable donuts.

Barbatos, baking: Sure they are kiddo

Me: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

Barbs: Okay

Me: Lasagna is just spaghetti flavoured cake.

Barbs:

Me, oblivious: Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions.

Lucifer: *crying* Ice, please stop-

Diavolo, fascinated: No, continue, please.

Beel: What’s a thot?

Mammon: It’s uh.. a thoughtful person.

*later at the dinner table*

Me: Here’s the salt Beel

Beel: Thanks Ice, you’re such a thot!

Me: *spits out water*