#developing resilience

This is an article that will help you understand frustration in life, its sources and the measures you can take to decrease its impact on your level of happiness

To decrease suffering in life, it is essential to be familiar with the concept of frustration.  It is important to know what frustration is, why it happens, and what to do with it when it shows up in your life. This knowledge is critical to tackle it as frustration is the stuff life is made out of.  Moreover, frustration is present in every aspect of our lives and in every stage of development. …

Developing Resilience with Reiki

Merriam-Webster defines resilience as ” the ability to recover from or just easily to misfortune or change”. I think it’s easy to say that after the wide sweeping changes created by the pandemic that all of us need to consider how we will further develop our resilience. In the podcast, Reiki as a Resilience Lifestyle  podcast I discussed my ”Energy Tank”.   I had this mental concept of the tank…

Stand Firm in Your Faith. The Truth About Overcoming Faith

“ For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3). Are you facing a critical circumstance in your life? God works miracles and does wonders when all hope is gone! The Gift of Faith Our daily lives must be a walk of faith. The…

Mother Teresa’s journals, which were published not long after she died, created quite a stir. Many people were shocked and troubled to learn that she suffered from persistent and often agonizing doubt throughout her life. They wondered how this icon of the Christian faith, literally a saint, could experience uncertainty rather than constant clarity and peace. The answer is, she was human.

Many years ago I read a wonderful biography of Shunryu Suzuki, who was one of the first people to introduce Zen Buddhism to the United States. What is most compelling about the book is the author, David Chadwick’s portrayal of Suzuki as a real man, not a superhero. Although he was a profoundly wise and inspirational leader of the Zen Buddhist movement, he was also in many ways very flawed – like the rest of us humans. I found Chadwick’s portrayal of Suzuki as an imperfect man much more believable and powerful than if he had depicted him without blemish.

We often place our leaders and role models on unreasonably high pedestals. We expect them to be expert, powerful, unflappable, visionary, confident, etc. We so want them to live up to our idealized image that when they fall short (which they invariably do), we are deeply disappointed by their human imperfections.

Unfortunately, when leaders try to live up to our expectations they begin doing everything in their power to hide the flaws and doubts that make them human. And while we often seek to idealize our leaders, we’re also quick to point out any signs of inauthenticity and react with cynicism when we see them trying to be something they clearly aren’t.

The trouble with words like flaw, doubt, and vulnerability when used to describe people is that we perceive them only as negatives. No one wants to be flawed. And yet we all are. No one wants to be vulnerable, but we all have vulnerabilities. Doubt is especially troubling. It suggests we don’t know who we are, what we’re doing, or what we believe. And yet, without doubt we are incapable of seeing our faults or learning from them. Infants come into the world full of doubt, uncertain about how to walk, talk, or do just about anything. But through a process of trial and error—and lots of stumbles and falls—they gradually become walking, talking, and decision-making human beings.

So when should doubts leave us? When will we finally have it all figured out? Probably never. The most inspired and effective leaders are those who look squarely at their doubts, sit with them, seek to understand them and where they come from, and then figure out what to do with them, if anything.

This doubt paradox is much like the difference between fearlessness and courage. There are those who think these words are synonymous. But the truth is, fearlessness is insanity. Meanwhile, we show courage when we acknowledge our fears and doubts and figure out how to overcome and move past them.

The fact that Mother Teresa experienced abiding doubt makes her an even more inspiring leader and role model. She didn’t ignore or try to deny her doubt. She showed courage by looking right at it, seeking to understand it, grappling with it, and then proceeding to deliver saintly service to the world’s most needy in spite of it.

As current or aspiring leaders, we should not fear doubt in ourselves or others. Nor should we perpetuate idealized images of leaders as fearless and doubt-free. We should recognize doubt as part of our common humanity, help each other look at it honestly, and find ways to lead and perform through the often difficult challenges it presents.

A few weeks ago, I had a little health scare. I went to see my doctor. She decided, out of an abundance of caution, to order a series of tests. While I waited for the test results, I worried. A lot. I couldn’t sleep. To quote my wife Lisa when she had a health scare of her own, “I lay in bed all night writing my obituary.”

As it turned out, my test results came back negative and the symptoms that sent me to the doctor ended up disappearing as quickly as they appeared. So I did a lot of worrying for nothing.

Early in my career, I made a big mistake on an important work product. In the several hours between discovering the mistake and informing my boss, my mind went wild imagining all kinds of terrible scenarios, most of which involved being fired.

As it turned out, my boss remained calm and quickly suggested a practical solution to the problem. Obsessing about possible dire consequences of my mistake prevented me from thinking about what I could do to address it.

When we experience change, drama, and upheaval in our lives, especially when they are a result of circumstances outside our control, our most common default is to catastrophize. Although we all know catastrophizing is unproductive, it’s rare that we seek an alternative and move forward to develop a positive solution.

As leaders moving through tumultuous or challenging times, our instinct is to reassure staff who are worried about uncertainty and potential problems that lie ahead. We also want to communicate accurate and timely information that will be useful to them. However, going too far with our reassurances can appear inauthentic and inspire cynicism. Meanwhile, sharing too much or incomplete information without adequate context can cause alarm and make staff feel even more anxious about the future.

Although our intentions are good and our inclination is to help, we often want to come to the rescue. We assume our job is to fix everything. But people usually aren’t looking for a savior, a hero, a fixer, or a leadership solution. Most of us just want to be listened to. We want our worries and concerns to be validated. And we want the right tools to solve our own problems.

An alternative to being a fixer is to simply help our colleagues explore the problems that worry them. Listen to their concerns. Help them consider and analyze the underlying issues. Then, if they feel it’s appropriate, they can choose to take action.

Whether we’re dealing with our own catastrophizing or anxious worrying of friends, family, or colleagues, we can best serve ourselves and them, and put unproductive worrying on pause, by carefully examining the problem that is causing distress. Here is a simple but useful exercise to do just that.

Begin the exercise by writing down a list of six issues that are worrying you. Once you have the list of the six issues, score each one from one to six in descending order of concern. Then rank the items a second time in descending order based on which is most likely to occur. For example, had I written down my worries about the big mistake I made early in my career, I would have given “getting fired” a score of one for degree of worry, but six for likelihood. In other words, although this was the worry that had most preoccupied my thoughts, it was actually the least likely to happen.

The next step is to add the two scores together. The total will give you a prioritized list with the lowest score representing the things that worry us most and are most likely to occur. The next step is to cross out the bottom three items with the highest scores, representing the things that worry us the least and are the least likely to occur. Now you will be left with the three issues that are worrying you the most and have a relatively good chance of occurring. The next step is to write down three to five actions you can take to address each of the three remaining issues.

Finally, review your list, rankings, and possible actions, and ask yourself what has happened as a result of completing the exercise. One thing that happens when we complete the exercise is we stop worrying for the five minutes it takes to complete it. Instead of letting our worries swirl endlessly around in our heads, we’ve taken action. Just writing down and documenting the issues that worry us is empowering in that, for a moment, the issue isn’t happening to us. We are acting on it.

We’ve also scratched items from our list of worries. Writing down the things that are worrying us and asking ourselves how likely they are to occur often leads us to realize that we’ve been catastrophizing about things that are unlikely to occur. In addition, crossing items off our list is empowering because it has the effect of eliminating the issue altogether. This isn’t denial. It’s just a tool that helps us move past the issues that we really don’t need to worry about right now. We can deal with them later. Another value of the exercise is that we can do it again tomorrow, in a week, or whenever our catastrophizing minds signal that it’s time to pause, acknowledge, and process our worries instead of letting them consume us.

I’ve shared this exercise with several people who’ve found it surprisingly useful, empowering, and “lightening.” Let me know how it works for you. And please share it with friends and colleagues. Hopefully it will help us all sleep better at night and delay our obituary writing for a later date.

Sigh... Do I have to do this assignment?!

We often look ahead to our next task and feel a sense of dread. It feels big and complicated. It’s going to be messy. We don’t feel up to it. Or we don’t believe the assignment is the best use of our time. We think someone else should do it. We’d rather do something else.

There’s always an endless list of reasons not to be motivated or inspired by the work before us. We often perpetuate this narrative as we work on the project, making it even less appealing and more difficult. We become our own version of Willy Loman from “Death of a Salesman”— plodding reluctantly forward and bending under the heavy weight of our individual burden.

When we find ourselves feeling dread, we might pause and examine our attitude. At every moment in our lives, whatever we are doing, we have the power to select which attitude we bring to the task in front of us. 

It seems all too common and easy for others to advise us to “Buck up!” “Put a smile on your face!” “Adjust that attitude.” When we’re feeling dread, such cheerful encouragement and cliché advice ring hollow and have the exact opposite effect from what is intended. We’re more likely to resent those well-meaning Pollyannas for their glib suggestions than to experience any kind of sudden uplifting epiphany or positive change of attitude.

There is, however, a way to alter our negative attitudes and remove feelings of dread about our work. And it’s not by pasting a big fake smile on our faces. It’s by being curious.

Curiosity leads to interest, and interest captivates us and transforms difficulty into an intriguing puzzle. Curiosity is like a kitten pulling at a thread from a ball of yarn. We can ask, what problem are we trying to solve? What is the source of the problem? Who knows this issue the best? Who can we consult with to find solutions? How can we add value to this project? When we ask probing questions, our feelings of dread fade into the background as we turn our attention to a compelling scavenger hunt in search of answers.

Feigning smiles and happiness is a forced and inauthentic way of dealing with the fear, boredom, and dread we occasionally experience regarding the work before us. On the contrary, approaching a challenge with a sense of curiosity doesn’t force us to assume a superficial positive attitude. It’s an authentic way to engage our minds. And like any activity that piques our interest and attention, before we know it, we’re absorbed, immersed in, consumed by, and lost in our work. We’re in the flow. When next we look up from the task at hand, we are surprised to find that we’ve experienced a full, interesting, productive, and gratifying day of work.

I’ll choose curiosity over fake happiness any day. Making curiosity our default choice in the face of a dreaded task or project can provide an opportunity to find satisfaction, self-worth, gratification, and, well, even happiness.

The other day I shared my frustration about one of my persistent and annoying weaknesses with a colleague. I explained that despite my efforts to improve I hadn’t made much progress. My colleague commented that he didn’t know many people who are as comfortable as I am in revealing personal vulnerabilities. He added, as if acknowledging a contradiction, “And yet, you are a very confident and accomplished professional.”

I replied that I didn’t think that vulnerability and confidence need to be at odds with each other. In fact, in many ways I consider the ability to embrace both to be a strength. On the other hand, it makes sense that we view vulnerability and confidence as opposites, at least on the surface. This paradox could benefit from some unpacking.

Most people equate vulnerability with weakness. Not a singular weakness, like an annoying idiosyncrasy, but a defect of character, a weakness as a person. This way of thinking about vulnerability sends us scurrying for cover. We hide our vulnerability at all costs. We don’t allow others to see our weaknesses for fear we’ll lose their confidence and respect. We do all we can to present ourselves as strong, self-assured, and competent. We don’t let anyone see cracks in our confident facade.

But to be human is to be flawed. And any attempt to present ourselves as flawless, without weakness or vulnerability, is to playact an untrue, inauthentic, and not-fully-human version of ourselves. Among the risks of attempting to present ourselves without flaws, doubts, or weaknesses is the likelihood that we will come across as having an outsized opinion of ourselves and our abilities. Whatever fears we may have about appearing weak and vulnerable, we should consider the equal or greater risk of appearing arrogant, aloof, and condescending. Arrogance is as sure a way as any to alienate people and lose their respect.

Revealing vulnerability doesn’t mean we need to offer up a laundry list of our weaknesses at every opportunity. Engaging in constant public self-criticism is unhealthy for us, exhausting for others, and can come across as its own form of off-putting self-centeredness. 

Also, being humble and acknowledging that we have flaws like everyone else doesn’t mean we are a tragic mess. It simply reveals us as fully human. And, as humans, we all have things we do well, things we do just okay, and things we do poorly and may want work to improve. 

Presenting our perfectly normal and fully human mix of strengths and weaknesses and comfortably embracing both our confidence and our vulnerability reveals our humanity and makes our interactions more authentic. With few exceptions, our friends and colleagues won’t see this mix as a contradiction. They will find our authenticity and humanity engaging. The cracks they see in our exterior will bring us down to earth and make us more accessible. And knowing we aren’t trying to hide our human flaws will make us more credible and trustworthy.

It’s a paradox worth pursuing.