#deut

2 weeks ago, my dad was admitted into the hospital for chest pain. He had 2 clogged arteries in his heart and had to undergo surgery for it. 3 days later he was discharged and he’s now back to work. Just to not worry anyone, My dad is fine now, in fact it was almost like he never went to the hospital. He’s still lively and cracking jokes about his hospital stay, and we actually had a fight a week later over something silly, so he’s still got that spirit haha. I’m fine as well! I just needed to process some things through my art.

That morning when I received that slight frantic call from my mother regarding my father’s health, I had to stonewall my own emotions for the sake of my family to help each other pass this tough time with some stability. I didn’t want to admit to them that I was afraid, my father had undergo a similar surgery a couple years ago due to a heart attack, and this time the blockage was more severe.

In Chinese families, or at least in the traditional way that I was raised, emotions were shown through actions and not through words. My dad is very much like that, he’s a strong man that works hard behind the scenes for the sake putting food on the table, providing the clothes on our backs and making sure we received the best education we wanted. We didn’t have to worry about anything else but our studies and work, cause my pops took all the worry and stress and held it to himself, so that he could keep us safe and happy. Sometimes he would tell us that he cared, but it wasn’t often and it was only said during arguments.

My dad, to me is like the unwavering big tree in my life. He’s stable, he’s fun to play around, and you know he’s always there to provide shade whenever the sun got too hot or if you needed a place to rest, but he’ll never tell you how much his leaves could be wilting or what he could be going through. He’ll never tell me about all the health issues he has and he’ll always brush It off jokingly whenever I brought it up. And I always, naively assumed that my big tree will always be with me.

I was confronted with the mortality of my dad after that hospital admittance. Though it was always in the back of my head, it was brought to the forefront of my consciousness and I haven’t been able to stop viewing the days passing as one day less with my dad. I’m growing up, and my dad is growing old. I don’t want to imagine a time where I’d wake up and my big tree won’t be there anymore.

I wonder how does he feel when he sees me now, that I’m a working adult. It’s going to be 22 years he’s raised me, worked hard to make sure I never had to worry about anything I didn’t need to, and now I’m all grown up. I wonder what does he feel? Is he happy? Fulfilled? Proud?

I then continue to think, where has the time gone? Now I’m not saying I’m considered old by any means, but 22 years is a long time! I watch how my father interacts with my grandpa, how their dynamic certainly has shifted with age. My father would now be the one to take my grandpa to his doctors appointments, ask him about his health, or he’d bring up the idea of having my him move in with us so that he’d have someone to take care of him. I start to feel scared that one day this will be the dynamic my parents and I share as well. Of course, if and when that happens, I’ll gladly take care of them, but it’s just hard to think about, and watch your parents grow old.

I certainly feel powerless in the face of time, seeing it wear away at my parents and my old gramps, life is pretty uncertain and you never know what’s going to happen, and I don’t want them to know I’m already thinking about things like this, (it isn’t very auspicious!) but I can’t help it sometimes. Though there are times where I wish time wasn’t so slow, there are also times that I wished it could stay still all together, so I don’t have to say goodbye too soon.

This feeling is definitely not foreign to most of us, I drew this comic and projected my emotions onto our favourite Jellicles as a way to process these very upsetting thoughts, though it is difficult to think about, I also feel like it helps us shift things into perspective and see things in a bigger picture. It helps me appreciate all the memories, no matter big or small, that I share with the people I love.

Talking about this topic is difficult, I can’t get the words out without breaking down (embarrassingly, I almost did it on stream, thank you @mearchuimhne for putting up with me 💙), but hey if this topic makes you cry too, don’t worry, we can cry together, no one will know haha! Just like how no one will really know if I cried writing this or not ;’)

Thanks for staying till the end, the next post will be happier, I promise!

Grizabella grinned to herself. If her plan succeeded, she would play Griddlebone and be the centre of attention like she used to be.

"Grizabella?" Came a voice behind her.

Grizabella swiftly turned around to see a tall tom with grey and brown fur and a shaggy mane. Her breath hitched as she recognised who he was.

"D-Deuteronomy," she whispered, feeling a faint blush creep onto her cheeks as she looked at the Jellicle Protector. He would grow up to be the next Jellicle Leader.

Deuteronomy smiled gently down at the queen.

"Bella, will you meet me at the riverbank this evening?" He asked in a rich, deep voice.

Grizabella smiled, all her jealous thoughts gone.

"O-Of course,"

Deuteronomy nodded. He bent down and quickly kissed Grizabella's ear before sliding away.

Grizabella stayed frozen in the same position. Her thoughts slowly turned back to her plan about Griddlebone. But she didn't have the same motivation. She began to have doubts. Was this really what she wanted? Did she really want to risk everything just to play a part?

She shook her head. Of course it was what she wanted! She's been wanting this since she was a baby kit!