#detcctive

starters.  —  @detcctive.

       ‘ i had to be cruel to be kind. ’

          ‘ STOP ACTING like you don’t wanna fuck. ‘ so sure is he, in fact, that he’ll give the hem of her cute li’l underwear a nice snap, pulling her into a hug around the waist before she can do much about it.

( text: laura w. | 20:23 ) if a fella was gonna be in your neck of the woods again some time soon, would you know any more decent places to get a drink?

       ‘ You happen to see a black briefcase sitting around here or..? ’ It’s not like him to lose his personal items, contents of said case to be very important --- plus, his damn cell phone is in there, so he’s wireless, a little panicked for it.

teddy narrows his eyes, trying to get a better look in spite of the distance and the sheer brightness of the sun. he keeps a hand pressed up against the low wall he’s hiding behind, the other hand by his holster at his hip. he’s a fair tracker, and has no doubt that their man is in this area, but he wants to be sure he’s actually got eyes on him before they do anything.

‘ god! know your light bdsm! ’ ‘ i can’t believe someone would kidnap me. ugh. i wanna punch someone in the face. ’ ‘ waka flocka okay… ’ ‘ my leg went and fucked itself up. ’ ‘ hello. it’s me, mcinsomniac. ’ ‘ love yourself and have an orgasm. ’ ‘ the kid’s fresh… she ain’t a mom. ’ ‘ i’m not saying i… dominated… someone but… ’ ‘ can’t at the moment because i have to get fucking CHEESEBURGERS. ’ ‘ IT’S LIT. ’ ‘ anyways, that’s an inside joke. don’t worry about it. ’ ‘ damn these creative juices! ’ ‘ can’t tell if i’m dying or if i’m just hungry. ’ ‘ i sound like an outdated meme. ’     ‘ i should also get out of bed but eh. ’ ‘ i’m emo. ’   ‘ my favorite compliments i’ve gotten recently: “U r a nut” and now “this is savage i love it”. ’ ‘ space is cool and really scary. ’ ‘ why the fuck does matt c’mon naughty get sucked into a black hole? ’ ‘ UH… YEAH!!!! COOL… ’ ‘ please write a book about me. ’ ‘ you’re right though i really don’t have morals. ’ ‘ *dobby voice* nothing about you threatens me. ’ ‘ i’m short and angry and i want more money and i won’t stop talking shit. ’ ‘ I HAVE RECEIPTS. ’ ‘ BURN WITH ME. ’ ‘ i just woke up so i guess that’s a compliment to meself. ’ ‘ i sneezed and scared my snail. ’ ‘ can cars run on blood? ’ ‘ i’m gonna myth busters this shit and fill a car with pig’s blood. ’ ‘ good to know i can probably maybe use blood to run a car. ’ ‘ chop chop there go me arm. ’ ‘ me arm is gone. ‘ ‘ my brother emailed me and was like LOOK! and i was like chill… you’re just a ravenclaw… ’ ‘ um… rude… ’ ‘ honestly what a fuck. ’ ‘ PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING ROLLING STONE. ’ ‘ fuck that would’ve been SICK. ’ ‘ do you wanna talk about something happy? ’ ‘ did you know that there’s an old man in the US who gets one of those lil kiddie trains and picks up dogs from shelters and puts them in the train and drives around town. ’ ‘ translation: i only care about me and my feelings. ’ ‘ i played wii tennis once. ’ ‘ i’m kidding. i don’t really know math. ’ ‘ we talk every day. we are garbage. ’     ‘ i’m a happy bug. ’ ‘ i’m like adele rapping monster with this. ’ ‘ do you ever feel… like a plastic bag? i’m toxic to the environment and i came from a walmart factory. ’ ‘ she’s so beautiful… unlike… john cena. ’ ‘ i don’t wanna disturb Learning Time. ’ ‘ is that your foot or your hand? ’ ‘ even after all the roasts… i’m irresistible. ’ ‘ NOOOOO. YOU MADE ME SO EVIL… ’ ‘ i ain’t fuckin’ gordon ramsay. ’ ‘ do you ever just eat cold pizza and regrets? ’ ‘ sorry i can’t hear you over how bad i just roasted you. ’ ‘ how much do dildos normally cost and how do i convert that into swedish currency? ’