#destroyed inside

Don’t ever put your happiness in someone else’s hands.

forever alone

I’ve stopped sleeping again. Every time I close my eyes, I see you face set in its deep resting scowl. I can feel your dark blue eyes like knifes piercing through me as they had done many times before, but I dare not look beyond the space between them. I fear what I will see. I fear what I will discover. I fear that the […] will be missing. I have not found a word to describe what I had saw last time I glanced briefly into your eyes. Pain? Remorse? Pity? Love..? It haunts me at times. I know I need to let you go. But every time I kick your from your throne inside my mind, you find your way back to rein once more. I locked the door, but what good is a lock if you have the key? Yet I can’t make myself change the locks.   I had a dream about you last night… We were in my childhood home. It looks like it did when I was seven years old. A mere few days before my life was to change forever. You looked around my room expressionless. The walls were covered in Disney Princess posters, and a large hot pink and purple Disney Princess canopy stood over my bed. My matching white dresser/ bed frame set have a girly childish floral pattern on the faces and the bed sheets are also Disney Princess themed. (No surprise there at this point.) Stuffed animals over flowed from my bed, leaving little to no room to sit down. You picked up each and every stuffed animal one at a time, carefully arranging them in the floor beside the bed so we could sit down. We sat crisscross facing each other with our knees nearly touching. You stared off into the space beyond me, drawing circles on my left knee with your fingers before asking, ‘Why did you bring me here? To this place, this room, this frozen moment in time?’ I didn’t know what to say. I had been asking myself that very question and continued to analyze every detail of the scene long after the dream was over, and daylight poured through my blinds. I didn’t and still don’t know the answer. I simply whispered that I didn’t know and surprisingly you seemed satisfied with my answer. You laid back onto the bed and patted the bed between you and the wall, urging me to lay down beside you. I had never seen you this way before. So quiet, and unopinionated. Maybe you realized that I wasn’t always the way I am now. I wasn’t always a suicidal girl who has scars up and down her wrists and thighs. I wasn’t always the girl who stayed up all night. I didn’t always have you name carved into the top of my thigh. I was innocent at this point in my life. I was a child. I was scared of the dark. I believed in the tooth fairy. I used to play out in the mud for hours and would have to wash off under the water hose and strip down to my panties before my mom would let back into the house.        You stared into the creases of the canopy above my bed and if you noticed my crudely written name in the top left corner above your head, you didn’t say so. You didn’t comment on how my pillows smelled like my bubble gum scented shampoo, or about how I have play make up stains on my carpet. You didn’t say a word. You abruptly left my room and walked into the playroom across the hall. Toys are scattered across the floor, the game cube is running even though it isn’t being played. You walk around for a moment, then pick up a small purple felt flower from the floor and put it into your pocket. You moved from the playroom to the front room that the pool table and bar sat in. Walking over to the bar and poured yourself two shots of whiskey and down them both within seconds. You brushed your hand against the back of the tan leather couch and made your way into the kitchen, and sat in a tall metal chair. My mother was obsessed with apples, therefore the entire kitchen looked like an apple orchid had thrown up everywhere. You sat there staring at nothing for what seemed like forever then got up and walked over to my resting place again the back of the couch. You wrapped yourself around me calmly at first, then tightened your grip around my body pressing every inch of yourself against me. Not in a sexual way.. it was almost as if you just needed to feel me against you. The hug seem to last hours and the moment you let you go, it felt like you took a part of me with you. I woke up soon after, crying.    I finally realized why I'm having such a hard time letting you go. Its because you were not the first to understand me the way you do. You were not the first to know what I had to say before I said it. You were not the first to observe my body language to figure out how I was feeling. You were not the first to want to hurt me just because you could. You were not the first to be there for me when I was close to death. You were not the first. He stole my first everything. He stole my innocence, my ability to think for myself, my ability to trust. He destroyed me much like you did. Then he left. He got me into a bunch of trouble, and left. He knew me better than I knew myself and told me who I was. He made me feel special. He made me feel like he loved me, much like you did. Being so young, I put up with the bullshit he did to me, and even missed him when he left. I knew what he did, but I didn't have anyone else. I was all alone and he was "the angel" who had come to save me, as he put it. You did those things. You built me up, and tore me down; time after time again. I didn't want to let go of him for awhile after realizing what he had done to me. What he had taken away from me. You made me feel special again. You gave me back the light behind my eyes for a little while. You were everything I ever wanted out of a person. I want someone to know me so deeply and passionately that it would be hard to breathe. You gave that to me, and now you're gone. You drifted. We don't talk like we used to and like you said, you might love me but you're not in love me. I need to find a way to accept that. But I need you in my life. I need you like I need air to breathe.. and you're not there anymore. I don't have you to turn to in the middle of the night when my demons gang up on me and try to smother me in the past. I don't have you whenever I find myself wanting to slice open my skin over and over and over again. I just don't have you anymore. I need my best friend back, and I know that will never happen because you're not the same anymore. You changed. Or maybe I just finally stopped seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe I finally opened my eyes and realized how tall of a pedestal I had placed you on. You are not all that I imagined you to be, and I honestly love you more knowing that. I love you. You will be the person I never forget. My secret. You will be the secret I take to my grave, and you will continue to be special to my long after.  I still hurt. I still long for you. But I understand that you don't want or need the way I do you. You never will. We drifted apart.